|Reviews for Unrequited|
| the prophet apathetic chapter 1 . 11/30/2009
"I return your smile rather weakly
And wave the fingers of one hand meekly.
I sigh as you pass out of sight"
That image is the strongest of the entire piece, in my opinion. It paints a picture while evoking feelings and memories of the times I felt the same.
I know it's not new, but it is interesting to see where you came from and how you developed your voice.
| Agent.Frappuccino chapter 1 . 11/5/2009
I thought the poem was really cute. The narrator really craves attention from the person she/he is attracted to. This poem speaks in so many levels, it's so relatable because everyone goes through a phase in their life when their feelings are not returned. The poem leaves my heart sighing haha.
And I understand that you wrote this a while back, but i'm going to give some grammar critique's anyway.
"Your heart belongs still to the past,"- maybe changing it a little bit would sound better, such as 'your heat still belongs to the past' That's all I found though haha.
Overall, beautiful job :)
| Narq chapter 1 . 10/10/2009
This is the third poem of yours I've read so far. I've seen a trend in your writing. It's very structure and placid. I think you could go further - break up the words, the sentences - be more daring.
Lets see if I can give you an example:
[As I pass, I see you smile/It makes my emotions just go wild.] - 'wild', but I don't see wildness in your text. Show wild. This is a poem. You have liscence :)
"But I know my fantasies cannot be real./Your heart belongs still to the past," - too structured, too smooth. You sound like a heartsick girl who can't fight back. (sorry if I sound offending). Make it stronger! Cut out the words that don't have meaning, for exampe "but I know" - of course this whole piece is the main character thinking so you don't have to say that. "your heart belongs still to the past" - Is the "still necessary? I feel the sentence is stronger without the word.
Well, I don't know, maybe our writing style are just different. One last thing I'll say before you throw me out ;) is this, don't be scared to exaggerate. Distort the poem and then put it back. You'll find that it actually looks better.
Well,l I hope I haven't made you too mad, and I hope I've helped, in some way.
| When Eden Burns chapter 1 . 9/2/2009
Nice. Very nice. I think this is a very well thought out piece. I'm not much an expert on poetry (fiction's more my thing), but I enjoyed it. Usually I cringe at rhyming poems - but the rhyming seemed to fit this one. The simplicity of every two lines rhyming almost seemed to fit the subject matter in that high-school-crush sort way. It was very rhythmic as well. ] Feels like it could be a song.
Anywho. That's my two cents.
| lymli chapter 1 . 9/1/2009
aw, everybody could relate to this, sometimes it's so hard to make that one to know one there's.