Reviews for The Mindless Ones OLD
lookingwest chapter 3 . 2/24/2010
A couple days I slept, trapped in my own nightmare.

-Edit: I slept a couple [of] days, trapped...

I was so thirsty, with no water around.

-Edit: I was so thirsty, yet there was no water around.

I shook my head, "water… so thirsty…"

-Edit: capitalize "Water"

"More" I asked desperately.

-Edit: "More," I said desperately.

She handed me another, "More"

Another, "More"

"More"

-Edit: period after all "mores"

She frowned, "Child you do not want to drink water."

-Edit: She frowned, "Child[,]you do not want to drink water?"

I was jerked back into the bed. I was chained to the bed.

-Good, I like that you fill the hole of why a human would be left to attend to a vampire.

I struggled, and started screaming.

"Let me out! Let me go!"

-Would keep "Let me out! Let me go!" in the same line with "...and started screaming."

That was the part I broke down.

-Edit: That was when I broke down.

I'm sure it could become bearable then I could live like me again.

-Edit: "I was sure it could become bearable, then I could live like my old self."

What if it only got better if I fed on some one?

-Edit: "someone"

What a stupid and impossible preposition!

-Edit: you mean "proposition"

I did look like a Vampire…

-If you're going to cap "Vampire" then make sure to change that for Chapters 1 and 2

I decided then and there I would call myself Lilium Pureheart.

-This came about kind of fast. And...I dunno, it's weird to me that she would rename herself, I'd almost imagine someone else would? Cool name though, haha.

Dialogue

-You do a good job when Lilium changes to also change the way she speaks and I like that. It becomes much more direct and also more mature which I think also matches her newfound vampirism. It's good to see you paying attention to such details and I think it works well.

After a stream of long moments, three priests entered the room.

-Scene

-I like how you evoke the image of the classic exorcisim with this because it gave me a great impression of what was to come. As soon as this idea of being chained to a bed and the succession of the priests came into play it kind of had a creepy exorcist overtone and it added to this scene, especially.

The light pierced through me again, as if I was a ghost myself.

-This reminds me that your first chapter started with the image of a ghost. Wondering when the ghost will come into play, or if that was just a metaphor for Lilium's vampirism...

Pace

-The whole exorcist scene went really fast. I mean, she literally got from being chained to a bed to finding a tree to sleep in within a really short amount of time. There was no effort into finding somewhere to sleep which was odd, I know everyone hates transition scenes, and that's sort of what that was, but I could really tell you wanted to move the story along so you kind of brushed over details. I'd like to see a little more description. Did she see anyone while running? How far away from the priory did she end up?

It took a minute but the events from last night started sinking in,

I now could remember in clarity.

-Not sure why this sentence is in two different lines, make sure to combine them into one.

I was without purpose, Nothing.

-Why is "Nothing" capitalized? Should be two sentences?

I would kill him, I swear I will!

-Edit: ...I swore I would!

The road traversed through the forest like a desperate serpent.

-Great simile!

If people saw me at a distance in this light they would see a slender figure covered in rags.

-Oh, I forgot, so your vampires can be in the sun? That's interesting...

I was only met with a crackle of laughter,

"You can't scare me! I've met bastard's colder than a witch's tit, and madder than demon's child!"

-Keep in one line.

"You lucked out! That ritual reversed and slowed the process; you won't be a full vampire for about four months!"

-Oh, interesting development...

He came at me again angrier now.

-Edit: He came at me again, now angrier.

"Is that all you have?" I teased

-Edit: needs period after "teased"

...and asleep...

-you mean unconscious?

"The Dull Long sword."

-Edit: Sword should be capitalized if it's a place.

"Yes miss"

-Edit: end with period after "miss"

"Lilium miss"

-Edit: period after "miss"

"Thank you, miss"

-Edit: period after "miss"

She took a glance at the sky.

-Edit: She glanced at the sky.

Okay so...I'm just going to comment that this chapter is incredibly long. I think it would do it good to be put into more than one chapter. I've been reviewing this for two hours now, XD, and I'm enjoying it, I just want to make sure you get something from my reviews too. It's moving pretty quickly along, but it's still just so long! I think a good place to divide it would be to when Demeter is introduced, and the setting completely changes.

I waved back,

"This Lilium is our grounds keeper, Simba."

-Edit: needs to be one line.

-Simba, haha, cute name!

"Uh…" "Uh…."

-Needs to be too separate paragraphs, or I would just go, "Uh...uh..."

This trivial request caused me to ask,

"Why do you say that Demeter?"

-Edit: needs to be one line.

He laughed, "His name? I guess it was August… August Pureheart."

-Little too much of a coincidence for my tastes...

Writing

-The writing in this chapter is a little too choppy and I'm not sure I like it as much as Chapter One and Two. It just seems like you're constantly listing actions. I did this. I did this. Then I did this. Then this happened. And it sort of just continues and continues without very much description. I'd like to see a little more elaboration on that detail. There's a ton of one-liners in here and I think it could go deeper, more than just asking questions like, what's happening, am I a vampire, ect. ect. I know she's only thirteen but I feel like I should see a little more deeper thought.

Eventually my patience had worn thin and snapped,

"Don't you have somewhere to be?"

-Edit: needs to be one line.

He greeted me with a smug smile and a wave of his Cutlass.

-Should Cutlass be capitalized if it's just a type of sword and not the name of the sword?

He demonstrates this by gripping his sword.

-Edit: He demonstrated by gripping his sword.

"Okay"

-Edit: needs period

Characters

-I think your development on new characters was great. The main ones being Ivey, Demeter and Sir Marcus. They all have their own section here, which is why again I would advice to break these occurrences up into three different chapters and elaborate more. The best development I saw was that last bit when Ivey was teaching Lilium how to sword fight. I think you handled that well because for that part action was essential and you do handle action well, though you do it very briefly.
lookingwest chapter 2 . 2/24/2010
The Dream was questioning. Did it mean anything, or was it just something odd?

-I'm not sure why "Dream" is capitalized. This is also an example of sentences that could be cleaned up a little to be more clear. It kind of has an awkward wording.

-Suggested edit: The dream was odd and confusing, did it have meaning?

Setting

-I think it's interesting to set a story in a priory for the opening and I don't see this setting employed that often. You allude to other settings in the first chapter and I like that because it demonstrates to me that you've got a good sense of your world and hopefully they'll be more explaining later.

I made my way to the kitchen being done with cleaning, when Brother Neal; a boy my age asked me,

"Are you okay, Lillian?"

-Edit: dialogue needs to be on the same line as the speaker tag.

"You were sighing"

-Edit: needs period after "sighing"

Within these walls you are Lillian Pure heart.

-Pure heart should be one word?

No one had to see me like this- crying.

I let out persistent tears, luckily no one saw me.

-Repetitious of the same idea that no one saw her. You say it twice when I think you should just use it once, or at least not repeat it right after you already mention not being seen.

Pace

-I think your pace is pretty fast, but that's mostly because all of the lines are so short. You don't spend an incredible amount of time describing your setting as far as what the priory actually looks like, or the kitchen, or the type of landscape-are they living in mountains, plains? So because of this lack of description it can kind of speed up the pace a little more. It especially speeds when you use your dialogue because it's like quick fire comments right after another. Maybe sprinkling a little more details into the way the people were dressed or setting detail might slow it down a little.

What! How did they know my name? Who are they?

-Whoops, you slipped into present tense with that last question, remember to keep it in past.

-Edit: Who [were] they?

Left, Right, in a circle, left…. They ran.

-Not sure why "Right" is capitalized...

People were pushing, shoving, yelling, and really not civil.

-Suggested edit: People were pushing, shoving, yelling, and not acting civil.

The boy smiled and said,

"Everything has its time and place."

-Edit: dialogue needs to be on the same line as the speaker tag.

"Everything has its time and place."

"As well envy is our calamity, and over indulgence is our plight!"

-Is the same boy speaking both of these lines? Who is the second speaker, if not?

"Child first time is free."

-Since she's using this as a name:

-Edit: "Child[,]first time is free."

"Let go of me!" I yelled

-Edit: needs period after "yelled"

Something filled my body, something I never felt before- dread…

-Edit:...something I [had] never felt before...

"If a speck of light isn't showing, then the danger must be growing!"

-Great line, did you come up with that yourself? Love it!

The sun was gone, night was settling in, by the time I got to the outer gate.

-Awkward word order, I suggest inverting it:

-By the time I arrived at the outer gate, the night was settling and the sun was gone.

He smiled, his teeth glistening- fangs.

-YAY! I love vampires...

"I'm yours…" His voice crushed like velvet.

-wonderful simile here!

What's going on?

-I think you overuse this phrase. I would consider even changing it, if you must continue using it, to:

-What's happening?

He leaned closer and started stroking my throat with his lips, and I let out a moan.

-Edit: ...and stroked my throat...

His next words were so sweet like honey; he whispered "I hope you like your cherry popped."

- D: Ah...no. This turned ugly really fast. I mean, I suppose that vampires are just a big sex symbol but I didn't think I'd have to witness a potential rape scene in only the second chapter!

I quickly pushed him away, he fell to the ground.

-Vampires with no super strength? Interesting.

-I think you mean "floor" here instead of "ground"-I don't think we're outside.

"Slut, come back here!" he yelled with an inhuman hiss following.

-I don't like vampires anymore...XD

"Going somewhere, slut?" they said in unison.

-What's with the "slut" term? Not sure why they're calling her a slut when she hasn't even slept with anyone yet. She's just a girl. Unless they're implying that all girls are inherently sluts. In which case...I disagree, haha.

Rape Scene

-Okay. So. I like the correlation with the sex and the juxtaposition with him biting her, since that's what the biting of a vampire is supposed to be symbolic for but it's a little ambiguous about whether or not he actually sexually penetrated her-perhaps you mean it to be? It was a really strong scene and I couldn't believe for a moment that it was happening only in the second chapter! It certainly made an impression and I like that, though I feel completely terrible for Lillian.

It has to be!

-Slip into present tense, remember to stay in past.

-Edit: It had to be!

The broad chest-ed soldier seemed less concerned.

-Edit: [chested]

"She turns out to be a wizard also..."

-Edit: "She turned out to be a wizard..."

-Question: are there differences between wizards, witches, and warlocks in your world? If so, can a man be a witch if a woman can be a wizard? I lumped all my "magic-folk" under one term: witch, so I'm just curious about how you went about it.

One final thing. I think that you might want to mention that this magic and vampirism exists in your first chapter. It kind of took me off guard that everyone was so acceptable about what happened when I wasn't sure that this was going to be a magical setting/cast. I did read the summary and I'm aware you've mentioned it, but your first chapter was so realist, even during the dream-scene, that I think it was odd that there was no mention of this other world. I would suggest at least putting some sort of aside to just give us a solid bearing concerning the magical subject.
lookingwest chapter 1 . 2/24/2010
UGH. Okay. SO. I just accidentally deleted my entire review. This is going to take awhile, phew. Okay. I don't want to short-change you so...ugh. I hate it when this happens!

There was no way I could've known, that I was surrounded by ghost.

-Suggested edit: There was no way I could've known that I was surrounded by a ghost.

-For a first sentence I think it would benefit to be one sentence. I was also confused about your use of "ghost" because it didn't have an "a" in front of it, which means that if you're referring to the ghost as being named Ghost, it should be capitalized.

"Lillian your still here?" he inquired

-Edit: needs period after "inquired"

He gave a groan...

-Edit: He groaned...

...even if it was only to leave this place-Skalkwood.

-Suggested edit: ...even if it was only to leave Skalkwood.

I gave a smirk...

-Edit: I smirked...

"Entrance exam?" a boy asked,

-Edit: period instead of comma after "asked"

Great competition…

-Is this supposed to be a sarcastic remark? If so:

-Suggested edit: Great[,]competition...

"Madam' I never caught your name",

-Edit: comma needs to be inside the quotes

The forest had countless shadows, shadows that could be anything.

-This implies that a shadow isn't a shadow. I think you mean:

-Edit: The forest had countless shadows, shadows that could belong to anything.

I was hoping my dreams would sate my wants to leave this place- my home.

-You tend to overuse "this place" a lot, I think I'd like to see more of your creative town word Skalkwood!

In front of me was a rusty red gypsy caravan. With its door invitingly wide open.

-I'm a huge fan of Ernest Hemingway and the short terse sentence structure, but this one is just awkward because you literally split a sentence in two. Try:

-Suggested edit: In front of me was a rusty red gypsy caravan with its door invitingly wide open.

I heard Shrieks fill the air behind me, and jittery shadows danced around me.

-Shrieks is capitalized, interesting, I'm assuming then that's it's a certain kind of monster. I look forward to seeing more of that, it sounds creative!

Dream sequence

-I think you did a good job transitioning into that scene without using italics and coming back out of it. I really dislike it when people use huge blocks of italicized text so it was nice to see you use that transition well.

Next thing you knew I was on the floor.

-You? Weird slip into second person, it makes the narrative a little awkward.

-Suggested edit: Next thing I knew, I was on the floor.

I nodded; I was dreaming what was so wrong to be honest?

-Edit: I nodded; I was dreaming so what was wrong with being honest?

-It's weird that we're still in the dream sequence though. Especially because Lillian is conscious of her dream...so it makes it lucid but a little unbelievable.

"Adventures your heart desires?"

-I'm not sure what you mean by this...maybe, "Adventuring your heart's desires?" this had a confusing context.

"Huh?" what did she mean?

-Edit: capitalize "What"

"Child your story is waiting..."

-Edit: "Child[,] your story is waiting..."

"Will you choose blood or light?

-Edit: close quote after "light?"

The maid sleeping next to me woke up in a fright, and asked me,

"Are you okay?"

-Edit: "Are you okay?" needs to be up with the speaker tag.

Opening

-As I mentioned, your first sentence was a little weak because you split it into two clauses and it created a little bit of an awkward wording. I do like that you employ giving us a peek into the future of the story and Lillian's thoughts, that was a nice literary device.

Writing

-You've got a good way of being very direct with everything you write, and your sentence structures tend to be very short. If you haven't read any Ernest Hemingway I would really suggest looking into his work to see a great example of that kind of terse style being used. It worked well to convey some nice very direct imagery, such as the "red caravan", that really stuck with me.

Dialogue

-For the most part your dialogue for Lillian was believable and I enjoyed that. It got a little sticky around the dream sequence because you had the older woman speaking in riddles. I honestly didn't pay too much attention to what she was saying because Lillian focused a lot on not understanding it, so I made no effort-assuming it's going to be explained later. I would suggest if you want a reader to pay more attention to what the older woman is saying, you make sure that Lillian is trying her best to understand it too. She seems to mention "What did it mean?" a lot after a dialogue tag, so maybe you could have her trying to work it out more in her head.

Spelling/Grammar

-Within general review.
Madame Y chapter 4 . 2/14/2010
-From the Review Game -

Writing style:

Good sense of immediacy and action - I like the terseness of your sentences. Metaphors like "The former shells of men" and “What hell was I in?” are effective. However, I would recommend clumping the sentences into paragraphs, so it doesn't read as choppily.

Character:

Narrator has a good, animalistic edge - fits her vampire nature.

I felt that a description like "The hysterical woman they were chasing was wearing a grey sundress. She was doing what hysterical people normally do: Run and Scream." makes

The hysterical woman they were chasing was wearing a grey sundress. She was doing what hysterical people normally do: Run and Scream." is not very effective; it reads as though you're simply glossing over her as though she's an insignificant detail. Even a sentence like “The hysterical woman they were chasing was wearing a grey sundress…. She was running and screaming like many victims I’ve seen before” gives her more significance, shows that you’ve put more thought into her. If she’s not necessary to your story, don’t put here there.

Plot:

Most of the time I didn’t know what was going on; maybe a bit more description in the beginning would give me a better sense of what’s going on.

I like the vampire cannibalism and the dream. Interesting. Since you’re dealing with gory stuff as it is, you can spice it up with more description, draw out the fighting scenes a bit.

I think it’s interesting too how the narrator gets a taste of Officer Ivey’s blood. Although she’s loyal to the officer, does that foreshadow future conflicts…? Just a question.

Grammar:

"It wasn’t immediately my practice was interrupted." - try "My practice wasn't interrupted immediately" for better flow.

"a sort of notion, in my heart showed me of this" - "My heart showed me a sort of notion"?

Overall this was a good read, very interesting plot. Keep up with it. Sorry if I sound very critical.
Sercus Kaynine chapter 4 . 1/27/2010
'It wasn’t immediately my practice was interrupted. I had begun or was in a state of physical endeavor, like a fit I get when I’m cleaning. I only focused on the activity. It is something I can hardly explain.

Why Officer Ivey did not notice something earlier is beyond me. I could make trivial guesses that could make me question how sick a mind he has.

Today, I did not question his nature or actions.

Besides’ that my senses become so overwhelmed to even pour a cup of tea.'

-Huh? This passage left me confused. Try to rephrase so it makes more sense.

'She was doing what hysterical people normally do: Run and Scream.'

-Haha! Funny, but don't capitalize words without reason.

'I could hear the echoes of his creams. '

-You mean "screams".

Characters - Ivey is definitely my favorite so far. I love his quirks and attitude. I wasn't too happy when I thought he had died. Lillium keeps clinging to a sense of conscience even though she's a vampire. I wonder how that will change as she lives this life.

Relationships - This chapter totally twisted the relationship between Ivey and Lillium. Lillium was once the host and Ivey the guest and follower, and now it's vice versa. I'm curious to see how this will affect her attitude towards him.

Scene - You did a good job with the chase scene. The action was fun to read and you did a good job with messing with the readers head through little details (ie., the vampire being an astronomer, Lillium being too scared to do anything.) It felt vivd when I read it.
Sercus Kaynine chapter 3 . 1/27/2010
Grammar/Spelling:

'What a stupid and impossible preposition!

-I think you mean proposition.

'I bit my lip, trying to distract myself from the sharper pain.

I cut my crying and tried to sleep. To disappoint me, my pain was too irritating to ignore, so I pretended to sleep.

I noticed the smell in my sheets wasn’t my own. I wasn’t even allowed to keep that?

I was no longer Lillian… I didn’t even feel right to call myself that. I was a shell of what she was.

I turned to my other side to see a flower on the bed side table.'

-Notice how all these sentences start with "I"? Try to vary sentence structure so it's not so monotonous. Also, these could probably be combined into one paragraph, and a few of these sentences could be combined.

'I noticed the smell in my sheets wasn’t my own. I wasn’t even allowed to keep that?'

-I like the latter sentence. Nice show of despair.

'One of them opened the bible, and began blessing me.'

-The Bible is the title of a book, and should therefore be capitalized.

'“Oh Lord save me!” I screamed as I withered and turned in pain.'

-Did you mean "writhed" instead of "withered"?

'I stumbled out of the hollow tree, dirt covered my rags.'

-These are two separate independent clauses and can't be joined with a comma unless you have a coordinating conjunction. My suggestion would be to change "covered" to "covering" so the clauses could be dependent instead.

'“You must be hungry dear.”'

-Mark off title words with commas, so there should be a comma after "hungry". This was a common mistake I saw throughout the piece.

'I had been raised to up hold the ten I had been raised to uphold the Ten Commandments.'

-Typed the same thing twice, I see.

'Thee week following that day was the same as well as the moth.'

-"The" and "month".

'I infact did have a heart,'

-In fact is two words.

'I sat across from him; he ate his neat quite nosily.'

-"Meat"

'“I think we come here, since were not home, or looking for one.”'

-"Were" should be "we're".

Relationships - I'm so glad you've added a character with attitude to this story! It really does make for more interesting conversation. I like Ivey because he's not what you'd expect of a soldier but he seems a decent guy nonetheless, and I can see why Lillium warmed up to him fast.

Dialog - For the most part your dialog is alright, but you have a habit of putting title words after every sentence. Once you've established who's who, you don't need to tag a "miss" or "good sir" at the end of everything because it just clogs things up.

Plot - I think the events are rolling rather nice pace-wise, but at the same time it'd be cool to see Lillium more active. She's been waiting for things to happen ever since she got to the inn and she'd be a more engaging character if she took more initiative. However, you did set her on the right track with meeting Ivey.
Sercus Kaynine chapter 2 . 1/26/2010
Plot - Moving along rather nicely, I must say. Things are happening, and so on and so forth. The only thing that irks me is the lack of explanation for Lillian's actions, although her personality does fill in some holes. My advice would be to not be so obvious about it. Take out all the "on a whim"s and "for no reason I knew"s. The reader can figure those out and it will let them focus more on the action.

Other (Style) - I choose this because in this chapter I saw a lot of potential that need some refining. For one, a lot of your sentences and paragraphs are choppy. Why not combine some to make them flow smoother? Examples:

'The sun was setting. I could see the outer fringes of the town. The sun’s childish glow wrapped its self around it, giving it a glow.

I walked fervently past tree after tree, closer to the town. I was like a mad woman, why was I such in a hurry? It was like I was compelled to go. It was like something screaming inside me, my soul maybe?'

to:

The sun’s childish glow wrapped its self around the outer fringes of the town. Like a made woman, I walked fervently past tree after tree, getting closer to town. It was like something was screaming inside me, compelling me to go. My soul, maybe?

This makes the passage more concise and replaces the passive tense with active, allowing your nice imagery to shine. :)

"I was changing into something more than the maid of the Saint Viola Priory."

Loved that line and how it tied to the beginning of the chapter.

Scene - I thought the way you portrayed the scene where Lillian was bitten was well-done. It was interesting to compare her opposite reactions to the vampires. Once piece of advice: vary your descriptions. "Disgusting" and "ecstasy" are good for provoking emotion. but don' overuse them!

Characters - I felt I got a clearer picture of Lillian in this chapter. She seems self critical, impulsive, and she seems to yearn for action. The self critical/selfish part gives her depth, but be careful not to go down the angsty path with it.
Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 1/26/2010
Grammar/Spelling - I think this was the weakest point of the piece. There are a few comma rules you seem to be unaware of and such, so I'll do my best to fill you in.

'There was no way I could’ve known, that I was surrounded by ghost.'

-No commas before "that"

'I folded my arms, “If you’d given me less work, I’d been gone by now.”'

-That should be a period instead of a comma after "arms" because, well, the arms aren't doing the talking! Only use commas to attach dialogue to "said" and other speaking words. When using actions to move the dialogue along (which you do a lot of, which is good because it brings life to the piece) you simply use periods.

'I was young, thirteen and I really wanted to go, even if it was only to leave this place-Skalkwood.'

-That should be a colon instead of a hyphen.

Those were a few examples of some consistent errors that can be fixed.

Writing - There are goods and bads with this one. For one, I think the type of writing you chose for this piece suites it well. There are few things that could be fixed stylistically, though. For one, maybe use a little more active description (with verbs, such as "looming towers", "dazzling stain glass", etc.) to bring the descriptions to life. Also, try to keep away from the passive tense ("to be" verbs) and try to start sentences with something other than "I". The last one's hard for a story written in first person POV, I know; I've had the same issue. I think it would benefit the story for a revamp, though.

Pace - I thought you did really well with this throughout the story. Both scenes had a purpose and moved along, especially the last one. The first sentence was a nice, original hook. :)

Dialog - I thought your use of dialog was pretty sensible throughout. Save for comma rules:

“Lillian your still here?”

-Comma after Lillian!

I thought it spoke for itself rather nicely. Just be careful not to let it go too stiff, as writers often do in formal fantasy environments. :)

Sorry I wasn't able to comment on much character/plot action. I thought I'd save those for down the road.
Yudue's Lover chapter 4 . 1/26/2010
I liked this chapter. I loved what you named that monster thing "Alex", funny. Will there be werewolves? I want some, and please update soon.

-yudue
Yudue's Lover chapter 3 . 1/21/2010
I can see a plot start to develop...maybe?

Good chapter and I can't wait to read the next one.
Yudue's Lover chapter 2 . 1/19/2010
I don't fully understand.

I mean is the ivy some kind of symbol? When did vampires have anything to do with this? What is with a wizard?

I don't normally like vampire stuff, but it's ok still.
Yudue's Lover chapter 1 . 1/19/2010
Well I kinda liked the contradictory name of the main charactor.

I still miss your other story with my Riz'zel. But I guess I'll just have to put that behind me.

I think this is a good start and you could leave it alone if you wanted, but you could also put in some more detail too.
tiger002 chapter 2 . 1/17/2010
I liked the opening with how you showed her contemplating if the dream meant something, but you could have done more to get into her mind. Maybe show her wondering why that dream seemed so real, her contemplating several things it could mean, and then having Jocelyn come down, yelling at her for day dreaming.

The scene with her going around doing the tedious work was also okay, but could have been better. Maybe have her go around, commenting how everything is the same. Possibly have her ask, even pray for something more exciting.

The writing once again could use more detail. I loved what you did with seeing the siblings on the edge of town. Immediately, I felt sorry for them. "did a horrific pang" doesn't make much sense. Maybe try something like feeling sick to your stomach or something like that. "Screaming for more" doesn't make much sense when she is being raped either.

The ending was great. I liked how you tied that back to the begining with her story, and not wanting to be the maid anymore. The irony of you giving her what she wanted, but now not wanting it is good too.
tiger002 chapter 1 . 1/17/2010
The first line got my attention, making me want to figure out what was going on. Switching from the ghost to her normal life was a good way to grab my interest.

The scene with the dream was done really well. The way she knew she was dreaming, but felt it was still real was good. The strange lady's riddles confused me, but in a good way that made me want to know what happens next.

I liked the end, because I could see how relieved she was that it wasn't real. Although, with her not being certain, I want to read more.

I saw several typoes in it though. The first line should be ghosts, not ghost, and "I'd been gone by now" should be "I would have been gone by now"

More description could have been better. I'm not sure what time period this is. The scenes aren't vivid, and consist mainly of the conversations.

Overall, a good start, with a couple more mistakes. I'm curious to see where this will lead.
Alex L chapter 1 . 1/15/2010
This is literature at its best. It mixes literary elements smoothly, and is very deep. Good job Alex:D
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