Reviews for EMOs Venemous: Aphrodite Academy Series
breakthehabit chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
"Her niceness comes and goes," Pricilla mused. HA. Win. Slightly confusing story, but awesome nevertheless.
Guest chapter 1 . 2/6/2013
This is so CUTE! Are you going to put up the Aphrodite Academy novel?
chasing colors chapter 1 . 2/22/2010
I like the description and interaction the characters are giving to each other. Although I don't really prefer reading people's original stories - I'm more of a fan fiction person, you know? But, I like how you describe things. And involving F/F romance makes me really hooked - No, I am not a pervert. The thought of girls loving each other is just beautiful in my eyes. So, yeah, I like your story - keep up the describing of things. Makes us readers visual more in our heads.

Haha. I'm sorry - I'm no good at giving tips or advice. :P
Brenda Agaro chapter 1 . 9/10/2009
This seems good. A bit shallow with the conversation, (could just be me) but there is potential. I'll read the other one shots when I get the chance.

For the dialogue, there were a few parts where only two people are talking. I can suggest dropping some dialogue tags.

I noticed that "looked" has been repeated. I can suggest replacing one of them with a synonym to enhance the word choice.

If there's a suggestion/criticism that you disagree with, you have the right as the writer to not go with it.

I wish I could say more, but there's a word limit. D:

-*-

Corrections/Feedback:

{Born into a conservative faming family, deep in Kansas, Pricilla was bestowed with sunny blonde shoulder length hair, cerulean blue eyes often mistaken for green, and a perfect girl next-door smile.} I believe "faming" should be "farming." Also, there could be a dash after "girl."

{She was a spirited fifteen and loyal friend, despite her sophomoric nature.} "spirited fifteen" confused me. Maybe "spirited fifteen-year-old"? (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

{“Well can we all agree that they’re both hot?” Ginger compromised.} A comma after "Well."

{“Shut up, I’m not emo, I just like the music it’s catchy. Is that a crime?” Ginger asked, taking a mouthful of meatloaf.} A comma after "music."

{“You have to give her credit for making her uniform stand out. It’s weird though, before Harmony, I’ve never seen a black emo, puts a swerve on that whole ‘poor little rich girl’ thing.” Pricilla paused, giving Ginger a once over.} I can suggest a semi-colon after "It's weird though."

{“Then again I never thought it was possible to have lava colored hair.”} A comma after "again."

{“Nah, too easy. Hey wouldn’t it be funny if Harmony dyed her hair the color of Ginger’s?”} A comma after "Hey."

{“No,” Ginger honestly answered.} "honestly" could be dropped. I believe that from her action and what she asked infers that she was really distracted.

{September hung her head in a weary sigh, “Why do we even bother?”} I could be wrong, but I don't think a person could hung their head in a sigh. Maybe "September hung her head and sighed wearily"? Also, the comma after "sigh" should be a period (unless it's intentional.)

{She batted her eyes at September noting the avoidance.} A comma after "September."

{September’s eyes rapidly danced across the room, body shifting away from Ginger in the awkward proposal.} I think "her" should be before "body."

{Ginger threw her arms around September holding her tightly, “I trust you, that’s why.”} A comma after "September."

{Ginger returned to her seat casting love struck eyes on Harmony.} A comma after "her seat."

{“Oh grow a personality!” September scoffed.} A comma after "Oh."

{“So you’re saying you wouldn’t want a girl saying sweet sappy things to you?” Ginger asked her perturbed friend.} I could be wrong, but I think there should be a comma after "So."

{September lost a shred of respect for her bff in that moment.} You can leave it as it is, but "bff" could be confusing for some readers. Maybe add "best friend forever" in parentheses?

{“But it was an amazing cake, and it tasted good as sin. How cool was it that she shared like half the cake with our lunch period! Tori put a ton of effort into making that cake, and all she got was a kiss, and had to wait like a year to go out with Shiharu. Totally unfair. If I meant that much to a girl, that I liked, I’d totally reciprocate,” Ginger promised.} I think there should be a question after "lunch period."

{“I hope I have a chest like hers when I’m seventeen. Those things are perfect. Someone told me, that same day Tori gave Shiharu that cake, Urumi heard a rumor Madeline slept Rachael Simmons the night before. That’s so trashy,” Pricilla noted.} I believe "that" should be between "rumor" and "Madeline."

{“I wouldn’t put it past her. You don’t get the reputation of being the school slut for no reason. Last month, when I went to the rec room get to my Twilight DVD, I saw a girl leaving Madeline’s room, after curfew! She had lipstick all over her face and everything,” September said.} I believe "to" should be between "room" and "get" (and omit the "to" after "get.")

{Pricilla looked at Ginger who seemed just as uncomfortable with the topic.} A comma after "Ginger."

{“You are such old ladies! Sex is totally natural and amazing. Well, I mean, I haven’t had it yet but when I do, it’ll rock. I’ve seen some of my brother’s porn when he wasn’t-”} A comma after "had it yet."

{“Come on what’s the big deal?”} A comma after "Come on."

{“Why do you have to play on all the gay stereotypes? Just because we go to school here isn’t an excuse to act like some ‘out of control teen’. Our parents sent us here so that we can be okay with who we are, and not feel ashamed about being gay. So stop being so damn flamboyant and pervy!” September snapped.} I believe "it" should be between "here" and "isn't" (and a comma too.)

{“She’s right you know. I do think about sex a lot, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Why aren’t you jumping on Ginger for wanting to sleep with the first girl who buys her dessert?”} A comma after "She's right."

{“Okay, now that I think about it that does sound pretty stupid. I’d make out with her, better?”} A comma after "about it."

{It wasn’t uncommon for sex related talks to garner unwanted attention.} This could be dropped as the description and dialogue before shows this. If you want to leave it, that's fine.

{“Jesus Pricilla, you make it seem like Ginger’s choosing a running mate. Yeah Harmony’s a drama queen, but aren’t we all in some way? I don’t know, they could make a cute couple,” September said.} A comma after "Jesus."

{Ginger pulled her chair over in anticipation “Listening.”} Is capitalizing "listening" intentional? Just wondering, as it looks like it could be lowercased.

{September felt the slightest tingle from the Ginger’s fingertip touching the nape of her neck.} I think the "the" before "Ginger's" should be omitted.

{“You are SO weird sometimes,” Ginger laughed.} I'm not sure if laughed is a dialogue tag, so I think there should be a period after "sometimes."

{Her eyes expanded taking on a cornflower blue tinge, shimmering lilac encrusted lips pursing to a most impassionate pout, “fine, leave me hanging.”} A comma after "expanded."

{“Hey, I’m going to go ask her. With any luck I can sneak in a flirt without sounding dorky.”} A comma after "With any luck."

{“Cut the crap, September. It’s painfully obvious you like Ginger,” Pricilla accused.} Since September and Pricilla are the only ones taking at this point, the dialogue tag here could be dropped and the next one too.

{“Well I’ll be damned; Harmony’s following her over here!”} I think there should be a comma after "Well."

{September spun around nearly tipping her chair.} A comma after "around."

{The room momentarily blurred taking in the discouraging sight.} A comma after "blurred."

{“Hello, I’m fifteen too, and I seriously doubt they’re dating. The only girl that easy is Madeline and she’s a junior,” Pricilla corrected.} I believe "that" should be "that's."

{“You have to admit, it’s out of the norm to see black girl that’s emo.”} I believe "a" should be between "see" and "black."

{September hushed seeing the shame on Harmony’s face.} A comma after "hushed."

{She stole a glance at September, as quickly refocusing on the ketchup.} The second half of this sentence could be reworded, as it's confusing [ex: as she quickly refocused on the ketchup.]

{“Pricilla shut up!” Ginger spat.} A comma after "Pricilla."

{She took the news hard, trying to understand how her crush could fall for another.} This could be dropped as what Ginger says shows this.

{“I always wanted my first kiss by fifteen and my first girlfriend by sixteen. Then, by seventeen, I wouldn’t be afraid of sex. So far I’m striking out on all fronts.”} I believe there should be a comma after "by fifteen", and another after "So far."

{“Are you selfish enough to let a girl come between us?” She forced under the mounting scrutiny.} "She" should be lowercased.

{“Oh I saw flyers! I heard she might show how to make sprinkleberries,” Pricilla gasped.} A comma after "Oh."

{Ginger sat up and looking at her best friend and crush touching hands once more.} This sentence confused me. Maybe reword "looking at her best friend" to "looked at her best friend"?

{“I must sound like the typical ‘out of control’ 15yr olds on those talk shows. The candy store effect will eventually wear off, just takes longer for some of us,” Ginger said.} "15yr olds" could be "15-year-olds" (or "fifteen-year-olds.")

{“I’m thinking about asking Mandy Parker to the dance. She’s a good dancer, and really cute.} There should be a quotation mark at the end.

{“She’s totally blushing,” Pricilla smirked.} I don't think smirked is a dialogue tag, so I think there should be a period after "blushing."

{It was a milestone in her young life, like her virginity, it was sacred and could only be offered or stolen, once.} I can suggest a semi-colon after "virginity."

{“I do like you for who you are, doesn’t that mean anything?” Harmony worried.} Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think worried is a dialogue tag.

{“I bought one during the Easter bake sale. Delicious! I wanted another but they were sold out in minutes,” Ginger said.} I believe there should be a comma after "another."

{“No that’s fine, I’ll just have to press it and stuff, but it’s definitely doable. What about you Pricilla? Your hair is short, but I think I can manage something, if you don’t mind extensions. I can get some from Beverly,” Harmony offered.} A comma after "No", and another after "What about you."

{“Good, now let’s go before we’re late for class!” Harmony advised while taking September’s hand scurrying past the incoming freshmen.} A comma after "hand."
Sour-Chan chapter 1 . 9/6/2009
. Ahh, another awsome story for me to fallow.. I totally would fill the roll of Harmony if this where RL...and I was 16 again. XD But woo... I
A chapter 1 . 9/5/2009
... Are lesbians really this common -and- ditsy?

I think this belongs more in the Young Adult section, where it focuses on pubescence more than a main couple.
RandomUser674 chapter 1 . 9/5/2009
Oh, this is awesome so far! I can NEVER find good lesbian stories. Emo is an added bonus. Can't wait for more! :D
Elodie Wolfe chapter 1 . 9/5/2009
This was interesting. I liked it. Is this it though? I really want to see what happens next. Great intro.

Elodie