Reviews for Zombie Treehouse Dance Party 3
Kackex chapter 1 . 6/2/2010
- The first section seemed clunky and fell a little flat. Maybe if it was split into two sentences it could be a little stronger.

Edit: Kyla sighed loudly, she loved the sould of her breath rushing out into the night sky. The city noises were just a few steps away as her hands found the lock, thrusting the key into it as she forced the old heavy lock.

- I find your dialouge intresting. Though it is a high fantasy story the dialouge is completely modern, belieaveable, and enjoyable. Keep it up.

- The 'Silver Cross' ha! Great use of irony here and how you realate it to the character.

- Jezebel a horny vampire, uh... Is sex a symbol with vampires and follow them in every story. I guess it does since they represent sin incrantae.

- Your plot is actually reminisent of The Vampire Dairies with the bar job and all. The story is funny, interesting and down right moving forward. Keep going on it.

- I like that when writing Kyla's piece she feels like a concise zomibie. The tid bits you put in about her zombie-ness are fantastic and keep the story as real as possible. As possible as a zombie story about werewolves, vampires, etc. can be.

- Overall I didn't find any writing or grammar mistakes except the first section which I pointed out, so great work there.

Keep writing, Would you kindly,

Kackex
lookingwest chapter 1 . 6/2/2010
From RG EF

Kyla groaned...

-Edit: would start a new paragraph there because Kyla didn't speak the preceding dialogue

Plus, she got to meet other zombies.

-So cool! I've never read a story like this before. Not once! Not even "Pride and Prejudice with Zombies", but I'm sure this is already way better. You're also catering to a fan of the Souther Vampire series by Charline Harris (HBO's True Blood), so the Supernatural woman character working as a bar maid is right up my alley. Wow though, seriously, *very* creative. I want to know so much more already!

You dialogue work is fun, and very quick. I find it consistent in tone and everything, and your introduction of characters and then using their dialogue after their introduction is smart. This Jezebel, whose name I will instantly read into on many different levels, seems amusing. Yay for some femmeslash too-seriously underrepresented on FP, so mad props to you.

So her heart still has something to pump, and she could still blush.

-Edit: change "has" to "had" to stay consistent in past tense

Hmm, I do feel that you introduce the romantic interest a little quickly, but I think you had spend up your scene's pace with all of the dialogue, plus you skipped the better half of Kyla's nightly routine with waiting tables. I would have liked to have seen her working more with Liam, it didn't seem like he came in until the end to comment on something that was a little random for him to comment on, I just didn't expect it because you spent almost no time on his character when he was introduced. I also might wanted to have seen a little more description with other regulars, or other non-regulars. If you haven't read Charline Harris's series I would suggest at least reading the first novel, I think it's called Dead Until Dark-there's a really great opening bar scene there. Otherwise, though, besides the quickness of the pace...

I like that you did use it to comment on the blushing, to tie it into the mythology of the zombie. I'm just still really interested to know more, like for instance, what the hell does she eat? XD Brains, for real? But that would be really cool anyway. I'm extremely interested to see where you take your characters, and I was just complaining about the amount of mxmslash on FP to someone the other day, so I'm also interested to see where you take it because I've honestly never read a femmeslash story either! This should be fun Plus the title is hilarious, XD.
Eponine254 chapter 1 . 9/19/2009
I really liked this! "She didn’t need to breathe, but a lifetime habit was hard to kill" made me laugh. I like the lighthearted atmosphere you've created... It stops this from turning into over the top, dramatic stuff.

A few things to look out for:

"it’s main hours are form" should be "its main hours were from", and you have "they’re hearts" where it should be "their hearts."

Otherwise, this looks like fun, and I enjoyed it. Well done!
vitriolicvermilion chapter 1 . 9/6/2009
My eye was caught by the title, but I was...skeptical. Then I started reading.

This is one of the most captivating and original stories I have read in a long while (and I've read quite a few). I can't wait for more. (:

And it just makes it better that it's a femmeslash.
ElphabaTheRenthead chapter 1 . 9/6/2009
YES.

I saw the title and I cracked up SO hard. I'm glad you ended up posting it as that. xD

I really like the first paragraph- it has great description, setting, etcetcetc.

And I really liked the part where you described how the necromancer drained a lot of Kyla's blood and added formaldehyde, it made it seem like you really had a lot of knowledge on the background of your story.

The relationships between the characters are interesting; I'm curious to know why Raul owes Eddie.

:)