Reviews for The Thunder Warrior
Howle chapter 1 . 2/3/2011
First thing I have to comment on is the subject. While I'm usually not a fan of this sort of subject, I think you approached it very well. I like how there's a duality in subject going on in the piece:the two people exploring the past, and the heroes of the past. Anyway, you made it into an interesting combination where on one side you feel the awe of the characters and on the other side, you feel this sort of tribal antiquity, and an air of mystery and legends.

The flow was pretty good in general. Once again, I like the way you mediate back and forth between the two stories. the only thing I have to say, is it might have been a bit slow in the beginning. This is a matter of pacing. If you could speed up the beginning a bit, i think that would definitely help the piece out.

As far as enjoyment, your piece is definitely successful. It immerses you in the legend of an old warrior. I think my favorite part is the ending. It feels like the story comes around full circle.

On the whole, great job :D
Elementer chapter 1 . 10/3/2009
Dialouge: I was pleased with the dialouge until the end of the story. The dialouge between, Jack, Fran and Brad was outstanding because it felt human. However, near the end of the story there's very little, while you do make up for it in detail, I think to which from such fluid dialogue to detailed descriptions was to fast.

Pace: The lines confused me, one time it simply transported characters to a new location, next a differnt time period, you could try to give someone a heads up next time.

Characters: The more, modern characters such as Brad, Fran, and Jack had amazing dialogue, however you don't really give any detail (age, looks, personality) into them. While I know this a short story, you could have given us something to go off of.

Enjoyment:It was a great story, I like your sense of detail and knack for human dialouge, with few typos and a nice theme to go behind, the story was simply great.

9.8 out of 10
The Elephant Queen chapter 1 . 9/30/2009
A very interesting read, I really like the way you write, how it all seems to flow, almost poetic. The ending was nice too, it seemed perfect, so... well, well-written!

In the beginning I must admit I was a bit bored, sorry, I just had trouble getting into it... It didn't really have a hook until the fourth paragraph for me.

The characters are very good, I feel like I could relate, and I could really picture what was going on

Well done. And Congrats on winning.
katietheunicorn chapter 1 . 9/28/2009
Heylo! Sorry it took so long to finally get this posted...T.T..

Enjoyment: This was a very enjoyable, feeling story to read. I found it hard NOT to connect with the scouts and the warriors themselves because they were portrayed in such a simplistic, easy manner.

Format: I give you points for the connections, but sometimes it felt rushed and touchy-feely. This could be simply due to how wide my computer screen is, but I imagine if I read it in book form it would seem at least a little longer. T.T

Characters: Though I said I connected, it still doesn't detract from the fact the entire piece seems a little fable-ish. They do things without hardly any emotion or movement, and this may not be such a bad thing if fable is what you were going for. A reader, if they have at least slight imagination, is usually able to construct solid personalities of characters in their head regardless of whether the story reveals anything.

Ending: I found this to be one of the better parts. It pulls back and gives hasty delineations as to what is going on and the dialogue. The ending line nicely ties everything up with a firm handshake, and nod of the head, so bonus points.

All in all, I can clearly see why your peice won. It has everything an exciting fable/story needs to move a reader from one place to another and leaves them with a smile and meaning in their hearts.

Good job!

-Katie
improvisationallychallenged chapter 1 . 9/24/2009
Voila, Z - your WCC reward review:

Opening: The quiet, tense sense of foreboding you get here through Fran's observations is good. The whole opening section is a very strong example of showing and not telling, which made me want to read more to find out exactly what was happening and why.

Technically, the opening sentences feel a little clumsy - "She noticed beside them" grates with me the most. It's an action being repeated exactly too soon. It feels like there should be an 'also' or 'aswell' in that sentence somewhere.

Pace: The fact that it jumbles between present and past with no definition and virtually no explanation meant that the pace felt very stop and start for me. This isn't exactly a bad thing, but it meant I had to keep getting back into the story.

Characters: The characters in both periods are presented well. The presentation of the modern characters is a good example of less being more, and with Nuru there's a stronger feel of a more empathetic character, which works really well when the two strands of story come together and you realise the truth behind 'The Thunder Warrior's' story.

Enjoyment: The way it all comes together at the end makes it a very enjoyable read, and made me go and read through it again once I'd finished. The level of detail in setting and character is interesting and engaging without being over-whelming.
Zombiesaurus Rex chapter 1 . 9/18/2009
Hey, congrats on winning WCC. Here’s your prize review (and sorry I’m doing like everyone else and reviewing your WCC entry, but it really does deserve a good review).

Ending:

I think the ending is one of the strongest parts of this piece. You built your themes up well, and then you had a powerful ending to tie them together. The way Ame states what happened (“No, he is celebrating with the God’s now”) really gives a sense of closure to the whole thing, and still leaves at least a little bit up to the reader’s imagination.

Pace:

The pace was also good. I liked how you had two separate narratives that you wove together to tell the whole story, and how both of them shed light on differing perspectives of Nuru. It felt to me like the reader was being shown two different aspects of the Thunder Warrior story, and as each aspect was revealed and deepened we came to a more complete understanding of the story.

So, your pace definitely helped with this aspect.

Spelling/Grammar:

I noticed that you used “God’s” several times in cases where a possessive doesn’t make sense. For instance: “No, he is celebrating with the God’s now.” In this case, I think it should be “Gods,” which is plural rather than possessive.

I also noticed several places where you split complete sentences up into fragments. Now, perhaps this was intentional, but I feel like it detracts a bit from the piece. For example: “He pushed onwards, the pain in his chest gone. A smile alighting his face as he came to the edge of the cliff-face.”

I felt like that could reasonably be one sentence, rather than two.

Plot:

The plot was excellent. I loved how you explored the truth behind the myth, while at the same time giving us an example of how idealized Nuru’s actions have become. It really gives us a good example of how easily history can be distorted.

Really a great piece,

~Zombiesaurus Rex
Lea Ai chapter 1 . 9/15/2009
Congratulations on winning the W.C.C.! This was definitely one of my favorite pieces for the so I am glad it won! I liked it so much that I will comment on every topic :-D.

[Opening] -I enjoy a good opening that starts in the middle of some sort of action (even simple action). It makes me feel like I am part of the story. I immediately wondered who those warriors were and why they were watching her.

[Ending] - I loved the ending. It was very easy to picture the men walking away to spread the tale of the Thunder Warrior—the birth of a new legend—despite all the falsehoods.

[Scene] – I thought the description of the leopards attacking the barbarians’ camp was especially well done. It was clever to make it so that we thought (just as Nuru) that the leopards were killing his own people.

[Dialog] – The dialog flowed very naturally. You did a nice job of bringing out the voices of the tribesmen.

[Characters] – I loved how this story revolved around the “hero”, Nuru, who was really just a normal everyday man. There was absolutely nothing courageous about him. He turned and ran at danger and things worked out for him in the end (sort of), yet the people made up their own tales about him and turned him into a hero. Nuru was very realistic and at times, kind of funny.

[Relationships] – Although there wasn’t a lot of time devoted to different characters relating to each other, I felt you did a good job of creating a hierarchy amongst the tribesmen and amongst the archaeologists. Everyone had a “place” with “experiences” that helped them to relate to each other. There were no empty characters…each of these people related in a way that made them come alive. Even the “barbarians” had a story in the brief time that you wrote about them. I liked how you had his tribesmen consider them barbarians and yet they tried to save Nuru’s life. People will see what they want to see.

[Writing] – The writing was excellent. Enough description that I got a clear view of exactly what was happening, but not overly flowery.

[Spelling/Grammar] – There were a couple of minor errors. You used the word “God’s” a few times. When you capitalize “God”, you are using it as a name and the apostrophe “s” gave it a possessive. I think you meant to say “gods”…multiple gods (each with different names that would be capitalized). So, for example, “No, he is celebrating with the God’s now” should be “No, he is celebrating with the gods now”—as you have it written, “now” is something that “God” possesses, and Nuru is celebrating with it.

Also, “there bodies mutilated by scavengers.” —should be “their”.

[Other] – My only real critique is that I don’t quite understand how the drawings got into the cave, and why the tribal elders wanted them to view inside it. I understood that they considered it a sacred place, but why? Nothing really happened inside the cave…or did I miss something?

[Enjoyment] – Overall, I loved this piece. It was a perfect one-shot—beginning, middle, end—with a lot of action. I truly enjoyed the irony of this piece—making someone who is average and cowardly into a brave warrior. Very creatively done.
Wildblumen chapter 1 . 9/8/2009
Dividing the story into several paragraphs made it easy and more enjoyable to read, more than bunching the whole piece up in a single paragraph. However, I think that if you focus on some slight errors, your story will look better, and I'll give you an example:

You said: (She noticed beside them a pair of Warriors)

My suggestion is: (She noticed two warriors beside them)

Also, you ought to give some concentration on punctuation marks and capital letters; for example, it's not necessary to keep the first letters of (The Thunder Warriors) always capitalized.

Those were hints for you to re-check your piece, but I hope that those tips will give some help and I didn't mean to be harsh or something, it's just for your benefit and to avert embarrassment as well as losing the contest.

Good luck:)

Wildblumen
Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 9/7/2009
Really interesting story here, you play up a lot of themes - warriors coming of age, community (through the tribes) and also the legends that spring up around people after great acts.

The only problem that I had with the story was the interaction of Jack and Fran, only because so much of the rest of the story focuses on Nuru and it feels like the other two are not really needed. They kind of clash with the main points of your story, at least, from what I can tell.

I really did enjoy this story though. You’re a little over the word limit (just a smidge) but word limits are rules that writers love to break. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.