|Reviews for Toys, Boys, and Joys|
| sarah minstrel chapter 1 . 9/21/2009
There is very little detail in this. All we know are the basic actions characters perform. (Also, the link to the picture is missing part of the address, or something. It's not working.) The idea is cute, and you did a really nice job on the dialogue, but one thing I'd like to see is some more description. Things like where they are, what they look like.
I'd also recommend putting Avya's name in at the very beginning, instead of just saying 'a girl', so we know who she is right off the bat. By putting it only at the end the way you did, it makes it harder for the reader to visualize her. She doesn't even get a name until the third to last line of the story, you know?
And, that last line really gets me :)