|Reviews for Gone|
| TymCon chapter 1 . 11/1/2009
I dunno why but i kinda wanted to smack adam when he was crying. I dunno im not very compassionate:P I didnt really notice any mistakes, but im horrible at grammer. Well eirlings actually kinda a stand up guy. Quite nice. You know for a slight bit of a murderer:P Lol i never noticed how he keeps fainting:P
| NocturnalNerd chapter 1 . 9/25/2009
lol, first off, having him end unconscious every time just makes it funny I think. xD
I like how you slowly began to recount the events of Morgan's turning. I like this line especially: "The phantom pain of the dagger digging into his stomach still stung now and again" - Very nicely done.
Wow, I knew that Morgan was emotional, but I wouldn't have expected him to cry over the possibility of Erling leaving him.
This was a very interesting encounter, and gave deeper insight to Morgan, however confusing. I hope you write more. :)
A few things:
1. "scarred, abandoned, and left to fend for himself in a place he no longer belonged" - you already mentioned that he had left him, so perhaps you should take one of those out, and reword it?
2. "he had noticed - and he would eventually" - it should just be written as "noticed, and he"
3. "if he ever, came" - no comma needed
4. "place - or drinking" - same thing, comma not a dash (there are a few more situations like this, but I'll leave that to you to pick out and fix if you wish)
| KP chapter 1 . 9/22/2009
After reading three of these episodes (hardly standalone short stories, in my opinion) I have observed a theme which you half-heartedly seem to deny, still smiling. Some readers may note that these episodes promote some very homoerotic undertones.
Whether or not that is what you’re going for, you have a gift for description, namely the aesthetics of sensation which pervade your narrative. Because of this, you have the potential to write excellent “hooks” for romantic stories.
To illustrate my point, the fact that the characters’ livelihoods are interdependent and the emphasis on the master/servant archetype supports the age-old idea of a dominant/submissive relationship between the two.
Throughout the chronology I find it interesting how you use the characters, almost like a writing exercise, to examine the concept of "forever." When nothing lasts, except for two beings, would they interact this way? Personally, I would like to see the characters deal more with mortal creatures and elements of the finite world. Immortality is nothing without mortality, right?
| KelaBelle chapter 1 . 9/19/2009
Wow- let me just say this story was like amazing as in 10/10 amazing. Your works pretty neat, and i like the way you write it too. The ending was very nice and all. :)
| Eponine254 chapter 1 . 9/18/2009
I love how you developed the relationship between these two characters as well as offering snippets of Morgan's past. I'd love to know more about both of them, and with each story you add a little more to the picture, making me want to keep reading. I think that "had a headache" would be better than "received a headache", but otherwise I have no real criticism. I liked this. Well done!
| MantraMagazine chapter 1 . 9/17/2009
I started off with the same disbelief I had yesterday at the fact you don't have any reviews for this story yet! How strange and unusual! Let me be the first. : D
"It was a petty form of revenge, but what else could he do? Making Erling angry was harder than he thought - practically everything else he did only made the warlock amused." Sentences like these are key. They're rare sentences you find in stories that let you see completely, if only a part, of a character. I loved this pair, it almost completely defines their relationship, with the excpetion of course of the whole zombie/warlock thing. That'd take a little more ; P
I don't know what it is about Morgan and Erling. There's something that just pulls you in, and yet it's so subtle you can't define it. I feel like you're the warlock and you've written out a spell on Fictionpress!
"Only that he felt sick, uneasy, and generally upset with himself." This is a very fitting response for Morgan, and I particularly like this because I don't like the taste of alchohol or it's effects and I like it when people agree with me.
-Bursts out laughing- A drunk crier? That's ACE! How much cuter can you make this man? -Still laughing- I understand though, I'm an angry crier, frustration gets me, so you've pulled me in even closer to this character with this.
"He’d find a way eventually to get past the barricade of his mind that forced him to do whatever he was told." Hmm. I think this might need a word or two switched around. There's nothing wrong with it story wise, but "eventually" is a little awkward. Maybe, "He'd eventually find a way..." or "He'd find a way to get past the barricade... eventually." You know, the more I look at your version the better it gets, but it's still a little... not bad, but you know, odd. If that makes any sense. Sorry, I'm a fruitcake.
" Death wouldn’t embrace him." Oh, what a beautiful way to protray death. Bravo! I figured out why I like your story so much, or at least part of the reason. It's the way you portray the bigger questions of life and death. I like your approach, becuase it's simular to the same one I'd use. You're not afraid of it (in your story) and at the same time that you don't shy away from it. You represent it in a more... sophistcated manner. It's not all blood and gore and "oh my God a knife!" Rob Zombie manner. It's not a slasher even if it does hit on the themes of mortality and death herself. Though I have read this representation (not yours exactly, but that sense of eloquence) it's still a rare and beautiful sight. I don't think I'll ever be able to get enough of it. And I thank you for letting me read your own, it's wonderful! Really, really wonderful!
"It scared him, to think that he was starting to want the older man’s company more." There's also something else that attracts me to your story. It's whatever's going on between Morgan and Erlin. It's not a romantic relationship, but there is an almost courtship like feeling between them where Erlin knows he's already won and still plays this game. Probably only to play with Morgan, like one would play with one's food, excpet... there's an affection there. Correct me if I'm wrong, or let me daydream, something is blooming between them. To be quite honest, Morgan reads like a uke, even if I have no real expectation of a scene between them. When I read, I feel like anything could happen between these two, that their relationship is much like that of Anne Rice's vampires, a love that is so undefinable and yet so recognizable... It's beautiful, and your characters are beautiful. I get that bubbly urge to use all caps (well, almost that kind of scares me, all caps) and giggle and tell you that your story makes me so happy to read, but them you'd be like frenchmartini and think I'm a frickin' freak. So I won't, but know I feel a special thanks to you for writing such a good story.
"He didn’t want to think of Erling as a friend. Only as an enemy." But he can't, can he? -Happy sigh-
Sorry for the long quote, but I have to do this:
*"Morgan whimpered quietly, only to be shushed by a gentle voice. He knew he shouldn’t be listening, that the voice belonged to the only thing he loathed more than himself, but he calmed.
After the humming had ceased, Morgan could make out the disapproval sigh. “Oh, Adam, you make it impossibly hard to be angry with you. As well as I should be angry, I can’t help but feel responsible for this outcome.”
He seemed to watch Morgan for some time, held in his arms; calmed, but otherwise still suffering quietly."*
-Covers mouth- I had to hold back happy tears, HAPPY TEARS! I was so happy. This was unbearably cute, and the rest of this chapter was marvelous. Thanks once again for the read, and may I say ooh la la? "He was afraid to find a darker reason behind the friendly affection..."
Okay, so now that I've taken up the first page of your review page, I hope you're happy with yourself that you've got a new fan. -Sigh- You honestl;y had to expect this, almost catering to my likes in your writing. When I have time, I'm gonna read your other works. I don't have much, but you can expect another review from me sometime soon. -Big grin-
| Dulcina chapter 1 . 9/17/2009
I don't know who the hell Morgan and Erling are or their history(ies) but their personalities sure make up for that mystery. I might just read your other stories pertaining to their past or whatever, so keep watch for more my reviews! If this one's satisfactory enough, that is. :P
Your description for each and every relevant element present in the story was what I liked best. I particularly have only a few points in the story that bother me but I had no qualms with the overall structure.
1) Unusual amount of rhetorical questioning with oneself while contemplating: This is only preferred when you're writing in first person. Third person, while it may be in an individual's perspective, mostly emphasizes the intimacies between other characters and the lead, and how they affect one another in the long run. For example, the sentence, "Who would miss him?" could be written as, "He was unsure anyone would actually miss him." Or, "He found it/It was highly improbable for anyone to miss him." Although these expressions may seem to be deprived of sentimental qualities but that is the main objective of third person narratives: story telling. It is always applied with reference to -how- the lead is subjected to such emotions by other elements in the story, while first person focuses more on the emotions department. I hope I'm making sense. These are the conclusions that I've simply gathered by reading; after all I may be wrong!
2) The sobriety of the supposedly drunk character:- A drunkard's musings are generally ranging from irrational and abrupt to scarcely occurring logical opinions. Also there is continuous digression from a serious topic, or the like to an inane equivalent, or to an entirely random one. Unless your lead's an exception, which should then be mentioned. This is also the information that I've only gathered by observing. I have no idea of its accuracy.
So, technically, these are my own opinions based entirely on mere calculations and conceptions. :P Excluding these, this story's oozing awesomeness! :D