|Reviews for Wanted: One Minion|
| GiraffeAtePenguin chapter 4 . 10/21/2009
Awesome. I like how you threw this scene into Kelly's point of view, much more comical value. I didn't get it when you were explaining it but I absolutely love it. Kelly's my favorite of course, has been since you first came up with the idea of him. Tis greatness.
| Alora The Sleepy chapter 4 . 9/19/2009
Ahaha. Kelly's funny. He's a perv, but he's funny, so it makes it kind of OK. P Alright, so since my head is feeling substantially better than it was yesterday (and yet it still hurts )), I'm gonna go through and full on critique every little bit. I hope that's cool. If it's not, I'm gonna have to say too bad, 'coz here I go...
- Is 'businessman' one word? I don't think so, but I think you should look it up to check because that doesn't look right to me. But maybe it is. I've never been very good with spelling.
- "that he sat in." OK. Now, personally I don't have a problem with this, but according to grammar rules, 'in' is like... a preposition or something and therefore you're not supposed to finish a sentence with it. I only point it out because my English Lit. teacher told me off for ending a sentence with 'in' the other day. So if you wanna be grammatically correct, rearrange the sentence. P
- "walk in the door" Personally, I'd replace 'in' with 'through'. To me, that just sounds neater.
- "decent to look at.’ He thought" Now, the 'he' doesn't need to be capitalised here and the 'at' should be followed by a comma.
- "roly-poly man stuffed into a black suit push the revolving doors" Haha, I just love that description. D
- "A woman all dolled up in her fancy jacket and skirt. " This is a sentence fragment (as I'm sure your spell-check told you it was P). Now, I think fragments SHOULD be used at certain times in writing as a device for emphasis, but I don't think that I works so well here. I reckon, if you put the "Kelly hummed and leaned closer." as the first sentence of the paragraph, then make the second sentence something like: 'She had a pretty face and to die for curves, all dolled up in her fancy jacket and skirt as she limped awkwardly into the building.' That way you keep the same effect with putting the whole limping thing at the end, and avoid the fragment. Personally, I think that sounds better, but you play around with it yourself and see what you think. )
- "He blinked startled " There should be a comma between 'blinked' and 'startled', then again after 'startled'.
- "hobbled towards the main desk and unless Kelly was wrong, it was because her shoe’s high heel was loose." To me, this bit sounds kind of sloppy. I don't think there's anything wrong with it technically, but I would try something like, 'hobbled towards the main desk. It appeared her shoe's high heel was loose.' I don't think you need the 'unless Kelly was wrong' bit. By this point, we realise it's all his observations so we don't need to have it said over and over. ) That's what I think anyhow.
- "flip flops behind her desk, if she wasn’t going barefoot." I had to read this a couple of times to understand what you were saying. Maybe it's my headache, but just in case, I'd put something like, 'flip flops behind her desk unless she was going barefoot.' Actually, I don't think it's my headache. I think the comma threw me off. So, yeah. I would try something like what I said above.
- "‘It’s too uncomfortable to wear heels all day long. I have no idea how the other women do it.’ She said" The speech doesn't need to be in italics, but it should be 'she'd said' or 'she had said' because you speaking in, like, pastpast tense. Haha, yes, pastpast. Shut up, I have a head cold, OK?
- "She ripped her shoes off her feet and threw them at the wall" Ahaha. Niice.
- "He could see the light bulb flash as her eyes grew wide with horror. " ...How is he seeing the light bulb flash? Is it reflecting in her eyes? If so, I think it should be something like, "He could see the light bulb flashing in her eyes, which were growing wide with horror." If you wanted to make it sound prettier, you could, like, thrown in her eye colour before 'eyes'. P
- "He roared with laughter as she began slamming her head against the wall." Hehehe. Once again, niice. I've decided I most certainly like both Kelly and Fayt.
So, yeah. I know that may seem like a lot, but it's really just little things. ) I hope I helped. And I've officially decided that since you said you're trying to update every day and I currently should be studying for exams, I like your chapters short because it means I can give in depth criticisms without wasting TOO much study time. P But that's just me being selfish. But, if you write all the chapters short, once you've finished the story you can always go back and expand a lot. P But it's your story. Do what you like. )
I'm hanging out for the Fayt/David meeting. I wonder how he'll react to her being in flip-flops? Or if he even knows she's coming because his mom hired her? Ooh, I hope he doesn't know. P But don't tell me. I wanna read it when you post it. D
| Alora The Sleepy chapter 3 . 9/19/2009
Hmm. I don't really know how to critique this. The chapters are very short and because of all the dialogue, easy to skim read. You can decide whether that's good or bad, but personally I like something longer that I can really get into. My main problem, though, is with the change of point of view. You didn't specify that you'd changed from David to Fayt, and although I figured it out quickly enough, I think you should probably put like "Fayt's POV" at the top of her chapters. You know?
I'm interested to see where this is going. I do love superheroes. ) And I hope you're going to develop how David and Henry got their powers and all. Because that always interests me. )
Sorry if I wasn't very helpful, I have this awful head cold that's making my thinking all thick-like. I could go through and deconstruct the whole thing, but it would probably make my head hurt more. But hopefully I'll have more to say next time you update, huh? )
| Its.Not.Me.Its.You chapter 4 . 9/18/2009
hahahaha kelly's fuckin great you absolutly rock!
and you have to update soon!
| Its.Not.Me.Its.You chapter 2 . 9/16/2009
i lovers it
cant wait for more
hope you update soon
make the chappys longer!