|Reviews for Say Byebye Alice, Hello Aiden|
| Rosie chapter 26 . 6/16/2011
| Three'sACompany chapter 26 . 10/25/2010
Hey! I hope you update your story soon. I really enjoyed it. I think there was not a single chapter in which I did not laugh. So, please update :)
| TheClosetWriter16 chapter 26 . 10/4/2010
Great story :)
Im just wondering but is this story an AliceXCharlie story? Anyways plz update soon :)
| Jae chapter 26 . 10/4/2010
Nope not really :/ keep updating! I sense drama (;
| dfghjklcvbnmm chapter 26 . 10/3/2010
I was thinking wow, that was updated FAST :D Ohh dear :( I visited your page yesterday / Hmm I didn't know there was a thing to see how many people check your page :L So I do not know /...
Your faithful reviewer ;)
| me chapter 26 . 10/3/2010
The tracker is and has been broken site wide. Don't worry, you didn't break it. :)
| DayDreamer457 chapter 25 . 9/22/2010
This is a great story, and although I really want the next chapter, I also want you to take your time. Remember, your fans love you!
| scharlie18 chapter 3 . 8/19/2010
So, I realize that before, I said, "Hey, I can beta for you!" and then I was all, "Uh, no, sorry but I can't." But, I can now and so I thought I'd go over the chapter I had previously said that I would do and then didn't. Hehehe...*whistles innocently*
So, here goes.
1. "Your defiantly improving" Jenkins commented...
The sentence should actually read, '"You're definitely improving," Jenkins commented.' There are a couple differences you should notice there:
a. 'you're' instead of 'your'. You want to say "you are definitely improving" and not say that 'definitely improving' is possessive to you like your cat and your computer are possessive to you. (Does that make sense? Oh, dear.) Thus, you are is conjugated into 'you're'.
b. Definitely, not defiantly, unless you mean to say that Alice is acting out? ;)
c. When a character finishes saying something, you need a comma between the words and the end quote if the sentence does not end there. Obviously, "How's that boy you're crushing on?" is fine (except for the change from 'your' to 'you're') because the sentence ends. If it does not end, you need a comma. (There's a couple places with this exact problem. I have complete faith in your ability to find them. :D )
2. "She smiled as her fingers caressed the smooth sleek neck,..."
Here, with "smooth sleek neck," you're making a list of adjectives. So, you need a comma between 'smooth' and 'sleek'. (I like the word choice, however. Both words - smooth and sleek - sound smooth and sleek due to the fact that neither of them have a harsh letter or sound in them, like a 'T' or a 'D'. There is a 'K', but that's at the end of the second word, so when you say the words, the words just flow right up to the 'K'. It's kind of an interesting auditory effect. *blinks* I know. That was random. Umm...yeah, moving on.)
3. "he had told her that - insert comma here - as a child, his own father had told him that playing musical instruments were for queers." This is kinda random and unnecessary. I would recommend either taking it out entirely, or relating it back to Alice and her relationship with her dad, which would make it very relevant. Then, if you tie it back into the paragraph, it becomes not random. (Speaking of random, I found a litter of newborn mice today. IT WAS AWESOME! :D)
4. "Only 5 years later after her mothers and fathers deaths..." I know what you're trying to say here. You're trying to say that she opened the guitar case five years after she got the guitar and five years after her parents died. But, I really think you need to reword the sentence, because right now, it kind of reads - not that it reads very well, in the first place - like you're completely omitting the 'five years after she got the guitar' part. The 'later' just complicates the sentence, and without it, there's no mention of the 'five years after she got the guitar part.' So, you just need to reword it.
Oh, and btw, 'mothers' and 'fathers' is possessive. So, it should be "mother's and father's".
5. "like she was fluent in the language of love." What does this have to do with anything?
6. " Standing up slowly, stretching his arms high above his head, he smiled at Alice." I think you should mention Jenkins' name in this sentence. I do. I think it would work better as a sentence.
7. "One was when she sometimes walked in on Jasper and Duncan having sex..." Take out the 'sometimes.' If you want to add in that this only happened on occasion, that's fine, but do it differently, either before the 'when she' or after 'having sex'.
8. "Charlie was in fact Jenkins son." This sentence is so short, you might as well just tack it onto the end of the sentence before it. (And, while we're on the topic, the sentence before it reads better as two sentences than one.) Also, Jenkins is possessive here. So you need to add a "'s" onto Jenkins.
So, here's what I'm going to do for the rest of the paragraph: I'm gonna copy and paste it, and then insert my comments in (parentheses) :)
In fact, (the 'in fact' is not the phrase you want here. I'd say take it out entirely and replace it with something along the lines of 'Due to this,' or 'Because of this,' or whatever) Alice and Charlie had never spoken a word to each other inside school. Not (notice the capitalization) because Alice didn't want to. [/sentence] It(conjugation. Insert apostrophe)s just (again, not the phrase you want. You could insert a specific word, spell out 'It was', and then it would be much better, or just change it. You decide), every time she got close, a mini skirted plastic (is this a British phrase? I've never heard it before) would drape herself all over him. Sometimes she wondered if he actually wanted this attention. [/sentence] He always seemed happy to have the attention, but there was a hidden disgust in his eyes. His dark chestnut hair and his sparkling almond eyes had entranced most of the school(possessive. Insert apostrophe)s female population, including Alice Lloyd. Popular and more intelligent than half the teachers in the school, being impossible to find when you needed him and his ability to swap between being seriously (you want a noun, not an adverb. Take away the '-ly' at the end of 'seriously') and being the life of the party where (were, not where) what he was known for. (I think you need to rearrange the second half of this sentence, the part that begins with "being impossible to find...". It doesn't read as well as it should.)
9. "Hes (this is possessive. Need I say more?) fine" Alice mumbled.
10. I think you should mention whether or not Jenkins knows that 'the boy' is his son.
11. "If it was possible, Alice's face went an even darker shade of red." Why would it not be possible. Was she already blushing? Did I miss that?
12. " into the basement music room." Is there an upstairs music room (because, that's how it reads)? Or do you mean to say that the basement has been converted into a music room?
13. '"So it is in the kitchen, but under the pile of newspapers?"
"Great! Thanks!"' I don't really understand this exchange. Why is Charlie asking his father if the script is under a pile of newspapers? My recommendation would be to take out the 'Mhm' bit, and then you have his father asking him if he's looked under the pile of newspapers, and Charlie saying, "Great! Thanks!"
14. "to its nabbing." I have no idea what this means. None. (But, I think 'its' is possessive.)
15. What's with the '-' before and after the flashback? You don't need them.
16. '"You zoned out on me there for a sec."' So, there's 'on me,' 'there,' and 'for a sec.' Choose one, and take it out. You don't need all of them there.
17. "Alice smiled softly, inside she something sharp, twist as she lied through her teeth." You need something besides a comma between 'softly' and 'inside'. Either make it a word like 'though' or 'however', or take out the comma and put in a period.
18. You really like the word 'so.' I'd try to take some out, though which ones, I'll leave up to you.
All over, it's good. Majorly just grammatical/punctuation mistakes.
Oh, last thing: "she thought of the most repulsive thing she could;
Miss Knuckles in a bikini." First off, the ';' should be a ':', and secondly, they should be on the same line. As in, not entered. You know, like this instead of
So, umm...yeah. That's it. I'm done. *pants* I hope this helps! :)
| I Can Breathe chapter 25 . 8/19/2010
I haven't really been following the story *cringe* because I forgot what chapter I was up to, sorry. But I've gone through the same thing - I would say put it on hiatus but that would be a mistake. I can't really help in that beta reader way (try looking for one in that section, good luck) but I can give you some suggestions. I know you've probably spent countless hours on that chapter and you're waiting for a miracle - not gonna happen. Start over. Find a new place to write (say you write in front of your computer, try writing in a weird place like in the bathroom, kitchen, living room, outside - anywhere comfortable). If you're the type that writes with music find a couple of songs that can spark your muse and make a playlist. Make a list with goals and keep them in the back of your mind - they'll emerge when needed. If you start writing don't stop. Try various attempts and gather the best moments and merge them if all else fails. Hope that helps.
| dfghjklcvbnmm chapter 25 . 7/2/2010
And I thought I had helped you oh well -dramatically sighs- xD
| Laura Mastrolacasa chapter 24 . 6/28/2010
Hurry up with that next chapter Missy (:
I was half expecting Alice/Aiden to be in girl-mode when she walked in.. but that twist is wayy too early X3
I now demand screaming and shouting.. and fireworks!
Again, more please (y)
| dfghjklcvbnmm chapter 24 . 6/27/2010
Pff youve got like 42 chappies :P
| the mayor of partyville chapter 25 . 5/14/2010
see, there are other crazy people out here who can't last a month without a reading fix. Seriously, you're not allowed to celebrate finishing until you post a chapter, kipeesh? you're not even allowed to hold any kind of celebratory item, no cake, no beer. And don't think i wouldn't stop you, because you know i would.
| Ladyodd chapter 25 . 5/5/2010
it is a fun story, good luck with your finals
| Caelynn chapter 25 . 5/5/2010
Good luck with your exams. I can't wait for an update, I really like your characters. Especially Duncan and Charlie.