|Reviews for Pain Is For Those That Don't Belong|
| ambrosia aftertaste chapter 1 . 9/28/2009
I can honestly say I have felt that way. I have been in a mental facility a few times, but I can make a full sentence so I'm not too insane (I'd like to think ;p). And being in a place like that, surrounded by truly bad-off people makes you take different views on many things. I feel as though I have been to hell and back, and the lessons I have learned there have made a lasting impression. I learned that you are the only thing keeping you afloat, alive, in the vast ocean of the living. You have to teach yourself to swim or you will sink, because there are no perminant life-preserver.
Well anyway, I'll stop my rant. I don't relate to much literature on this website like this. It's well-written. On an unrelated topic, I got a hunch from your profile, you seem to know of RENT, the classic Broadway musical. Just curious, because I was just listening to the obc recording x3 correct me if I'm wrong, and sorry to trouble you. Have a nice evening.
| Black Sparrow chapter 1 . 9/28/2009
Wow, that was really cool. I loved it. _ Great job. Keep writing.
| skyward squidly squee chapter 1 . 9/27/2009
The flow is a little awkward in the first two stanzas. Maybe if you took away the punctuation at the end of the second-to-last lines in both? I think it would flow better and actually be pretty cool. Beyond the first two stanzas, though, I think the flow is pretty good; I like it.
I think your word choice in this is pretty good. I like how you put the last three lines in the first stanza, the first two lines in the second stanza, the "I have to get free" and "this is my prison" in the third stanza, and the second to last stanza. With the second to last stanza, it's interesting, a little confusing, conceivably sensical. And I think you accidentally replaced is for "if" in that last line of it.
There's the comma in the first stanza that shouldn't be there, and I pointed out the if for is mistake. You've got the lines that start with but, and, and because, but those often work, and it's all good here. Excepting maybe the "But I am" in the third to last stanza. But I did want to say, with that stanza, "Barely;/But I am." I find it so interesting, because there is supposed to be a full sentence on both sides of a semi-colon, and neither "Barely" or "But I am" really qualify as actual sentences, but it somehow just works! Sorry, but it struck me and I had to point it out.
The rhythm kind of has slight changes with every stanza. I like it, it works. I pointed out with your other poem how each line being a sentence wasn't good, and in this it's almost the same, but really it's not as bad; you have a certain rhythm and tone, and it just works. But not putting punctuation at the end of every line can really make a poem flow.
I also wanted to say my favorite part is the third stanza.
- giant squid.
Review Game, Poems: Depth