|Reviews for This Is Not Home|
| valenciadarkness chapter 1 . 10/4/2009
...I'm doing this at 6 AM in the morning and I'm REALLY tired.
Okay, nice descriptions but...it's overkill. All of your sentences are really long. Throw in a simple sentence or two to keep the story interesting because too many long sentences with lots of description get boring. Basically, reading this is tolling on the mind and some words are unnecessary.
"One of the twigs from the branches it’d been carrying in the small cart dragged behind had lashed out at me and there was a faint red line on my leg left from where it had hit me."
You could just say "it left a faint red line on my leg." If you shorten some sentences, it'd be way easier to read because the person has to keep thinking of what happened at the beginning of the sentence and then connect it to the end of that sentence (then again, it's the morning and I'm not able to process things right now). This sentence (and others) wouldn't have been so frustrating if the sentences before weren't so long...and descriptive.
"It was a fact further proved when I told the cashier that she’d overcharged me when in fact, I just didn’t understand the currency."
It was a fact further proved? Isn't there another way you can say this? The wording is awkward.
| Ashlee Pond chapter 1 . 9/30/2009
This is absolutely brilliant, except for the last line - either it got cut off, or the and shouldn't be there and it needs a full stop.
But you describe the emotions so well and the whole scene is played out clearly in my mind. You've done a great job.