Reviews for Volcanoes, Being like Women
Brenda Agaro chapter 1 . 3/5/2010
Very good interaction in this story. I like comparison Karl made with volcanoes and women.



{As a photographer he was more then accustomed to moving his own body to get the best shot,} than.

{but because filling out paperwork after an infants death took hours.} infant's.

{do you think a volcano is like a women?"} woman.
we share our blanket with chapter 1 . 10/4/2009
This is absolutely brilliant. You write dialogue amazingly. I love the comparison between volcanoes and women.

“It‘s their fate to stay here. Those idiots up there won‘t get them out in time. Like the people down there.”

I love that.

Nice, sharp, clean ending.

Wonderful piece.
Isca chapter 1 . 10/3/2009
"His nose itched, but he didn’t reach up to relieve it." I like this little glimpse into Hayden's personality.

"Yet you study them?" LOL. I love how 'snarky' Hayden is here.

"You can't help but be awed." Excellent line. I love the idea that women possess this ineffable quality about them that uneases men.

"Who would they be if they left?" Wow. This is one of those lines that makes the reader all teary-eyed. Keep up the great work. :)
Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 10/3/2009
The mention of Kathleen came kind of sudden, out of the blue. Maybe some previous foreshadowing could ease that transition (unless I missed it haha).

Otherwise, this was a good piece! I particularly like the dialog and its insights, and the part about Kathleen. Like another reviewer said - she does seem interesting. Also it looks like you've done some research on volcanos, kudos to that!

Good luck in the contest!

Eponine254 chapter 1 . 10/3/2009
This is really good! I particularly liked Hayden's reflections about Kathleen... The description of the "milky sepia of a street lamp" really gave it a haunting, nostalgic quality. There were a few small mistakes, like "the top of the summit" - all you need is "the summit" - and "vertebra" should be "vertebrae", which is the plural. Otherwise, great work!
Devil's Playground chapter 1 . 10/2/2009
I loved this! What a charming little story. I always have issues writing one-shots/short stories, so I bow down to your mastery of the art, haha. I especially loved the dialogue - it was all very realistic, and didn't seem fake or awkward at all. Hayden's snapshot-like memories of Kathleen were my favorite part of the story; you said a lot with just a few short words.

I can't think of much I disliked about the story. The one thing that you could maybe improve is that at the beginning of the story, there was a lot of great detail and imagery, and towards the end there wasn't as much. But then again, adding any more description might break the flow, so, maybe it doesn't need changing at all.

Anyway, that was an enjoyable read. Great job!
Lea Ai chapter 1 . 10/2/2009
It's easier for me if I just review as I'm reading...hope you don't mind too much :-D.

"he was farther away then most of them."-should be "than"

"where the wrinkled faces of dark-haired women softened only when a river of tears fell across them."-beautiful!

"he could have cared less"-should be "could not have cared less"

“Oh common Kid,"- I think you are trying to make this more slang, but writing it like this reads that the "Kid" is "common"...either write it out: "come on, Kid" or I think it would be "com'on, Kid"

There were a few times when you used "women" when it should have been "woman". Basically any time you have an "a" in front of it, it should be "woman".

"Karl licked his lips, saying the next few words very slowly and eyeing Hayden: “Magma Chamber."...that made me laugh...such an innuendo!

"while she waited for the buss"-should be "bus"

"Because this is there home."-should be "their"

I really liked the creativity of likening a woman to a volcano and then having Hayden recognize the massive truth in that. Kathleen seems like an interesting person.

I loved Karl-he seems like a "Karl" too :-D. I loved his gruffness and how I could "hear" his voice so clearly. Great dialogue.

This was a fun story. Good luck in WCC!