Reviews for A Girl, Fifteen
xoLOVEmeWITHnoRESTRICTIONSxo chapter 1 . 12/30/2009
Sipmply amazing.

i love how it goes from:

..."who doesn't bother living

and doesn't bother loving

because everything will end someday"

To:

"and who doesn't bother crying when she could laugh

and who goes to sleep with a smile on her face"

Very good, I especcially like the last line.
lipleaf chapter 1 . 11/27/2009
Technical aspects- You used repetition throughout the poem very effectively to list all the aspects of who the narrator wants to be. The continuous elaborations on the ideal her helps the reader understand just how badly she wants to change and makes it that much more real.

Flow- The flow here was very smooth- it was one continuous stream of thought without any interruptions or hitches. Usually, I dislike poems that use little punctuation, but in this case, it works just fine. The words all pour out at once and blend together, creating one coherent image.

Word choice- Your word choice remained consistent through the entire poem. There were not areas where it sounded strange or out of place. However, I find the language to be a bit plain. There are no "strong" verbs or adjectives to give the reader a more vivid image. It could stand to be a bit more descriptive.

Other- I really liked your use of the bold lines. It reminds me of an essay, where you present a statement and back it up with details. It's an interesting way to write your poem, and I thought it worked quite well.
Grains and Oats chapter 1 . 10/28/2009
Flow: I really liked how the different sections of this connected together. There was a very smooth transition from one part to the next, and it seemed like the bolded lines were almost optional. That made it better though - they stood out as separate lines in the poem, but still fit with the entire piece.

Descriptions/Images: There wasn't really anything extravagant in this, but it didn't need that. The simple, clipped descriptions you used reminded me of the fast pace of high school (or middle school, for that matter) and helped get the point across. I think most people can see this happening to maybe themselves, because there were a lot of relatable subjects that were stated very bluntly.

Subject: I've kind of already talked about this, but I think you presented some very common dilemmas in life, mainly teenage years. Normally, this would be a criticism, but I really liked the way you used them. It made the piece extremely easy to read because I was already comfortable with the indecision people are faced with every day. I find it easier to read a poem you can relate to because it doesn't really shock you in any way. Sometimes, that's good thing and sometimes that's a bad thing. In this case, it was definitely a good thing.

Enjoyment: Overall, I think this was a very well-written poem. It used everyday indecision and problems you'd find it any high school, but it put a unique spin on them. The bluntness of it really got to me, and I appreciate you being so straightforward with it. Great job with this.
thegreatfool chapter 1 . 10/27/2009
Um before I get to the actual review I would just like to first of all thank you for writing that. I've had some very close friends who have struggled with some of the issues you talked about in this piece and it was...(how to put it the right way) very nice to see you talk about them. For lack of a better phrase it touched my heart.

Now for the review. I liked the way you structured the poem, dividing it between perspectives. It gave it a nice flow and gave a general sense of "this fits" to your stanzas.

I would suggest though at this point to start to utilize more of the poetic elements in your work. One of the beauties of poetry is it allows one to explain the intangible world in terms of concrete reality. To talk about death with an apple (lol). Using some metaphors or similes instead of saying everything you want to say directly can not only help you improve the imagery, the natural beauty of the piece, but it also allows you to expand your meaning if you wish. It lets you say many things at once and that is always fun. :)

Anyway, again thank you for this piece. I look forward to reading some more of your work.

thegreatfool
Phantasmagoria Land chapter 1 . 10/25/2009
I absolutely love this. Particularly the bolded lines that kind of tell a story on their own, and then the repetition of "a girl, fifteen", which kind of emphasizes trying to find who you are. Nicely done, keep writing.
HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 10/23/2009
Wow. That was a hard hitting poem. Beautifully written, and I like how the bolded lines set up for the next parts of the poem, and then at the end, you have the last two lines, that have so much power, so much hope. Really good.

I also like all the different ways you descibed the character, giving so many conflicting emotions and thoughts, but still making it believable.

Well done!
DreamingEternal chapter 1 . 10/4/2009
I like how the bolded phrases form a story all by themselves, and the rest are details that explain them.

I like the repetition of "a girl, fifteen"; it gives a sense of unity to the whole poem.

One little inconsistancy: "I'm" is capitialized in the 5th bold line but not in the last.

Your poem is very real, filled with lines that can relate to any reader (my personal favorite: "who buys more books than she could ever read")and very powerful emotion.

Good luck on your quest to be more positive, I know I'm trying to see the bright side of life more, too.
wo bu ai ni le chapter 1 . 10/4/2009
I liked the contract, and pointing out the pretending, denial and hope to get out. The structure is a very clever idea )

fleur
Barbados chapter 1 . 10/3/2009
I don't usually go for poems. Sometimes their ambiguity leaves them clouded in their own rhymes and leaves me wondering what lies between the lines. The syntax of this poem though really brought it out and made it for me. Nicely done.
JazzyLindy chapter 1 . 10/3/2009
Wow, this is amazing! I love the style and the last two lines are very intense. I love it, very well written, beautiful and deep. It's how those with depression should try to look at life, with hope and determination. Really well done.

-jazzy