Reviews for Utopia
AnarchyMyGift chapter 1 . 10/16/2009
I like the story please write more!:)
StarrburstNoodles chapter 1 . 10/7/2009

Okay. Two errors were evident in this story.

1. Need to make the chapters two separate entities. PM me if you have any questions about this since you're new to FP.

2. Comma splices and grammar errors in general. If you're interested, I could be your beta and help you out with this.


If you're interested, PM me for details.

charliej chapter 1 . 10/6/2009 has potential. There's alot happening for just the first two chapters but possibly you have lots of events planned and need to get right down to the action rather than a slow build up. I like the free and easy style of writing at the beginning. It gave a good sense of a young girl talking, her thoughts not perfectly sequenced e.g. oh I forgot to tell you...

You might consider adding a bit more description so the reader can see/hear/feel the scene rather than just relating events. For example "I sat on the park bench with my arms braced at my side. The wood was hard and cool beneath my hands. A breeze drifted by, fresh with the scent of newly cut lawns, ruffling my hair as I turned my face up to the sky. As I observed the changes hues that were painted above me, I contemplated the course my life was taking."

I'll be curious where you take this story. Keep writing!