Apologies for the gap in return for this! D: It's been awhile!

What's the problem?" She asked. [Edit: un-capitalize "she"]

You know what this chapter reminds me a lot of? It has suddenly dawned on me. The anime show FLCL. Like, not the entire story itself, but just this chapter, where there's this stranger woman kind of half-naked for a moment and then changing into this clothes, that whole idea of how to deal with it in your home from a perspective of this young man student, haha. Anyway, I really love that show (my fav anime) and yeah I can't help but draw some parallels to it. That being said, I also really enjoyed the imagery and everything too. Liked the details of the CD used and the music, to the change in clothes and the CDs. She's such a departure from Sam!

"You don't know?" She asked. [Edit: un-capitalize "She"]

"Please?" She asked again. [Edit: same as above.]

Music theory, ugh! *has nightmares* But I like that he's able to dive into this and find enjoyment from it. I also liked the sudden comparison to Sam you include, the sexual tension runs rampant in this chapter, for sure.

Very curious exchange there with Grace at the end, that has me perplexed but wanting to read more, especially with the idea that she knew Fy was from a gang and Roy's involvement, etc. What's up there, who knows? But I love the foreshadow.

Overall a fun chapter, it's a great chapter for Etienne's growth in a different direction from Sam, very big difference here, and I await to see if anything develops with his relationship with Fy! He seems very protective of her through his dialogue to Grace at the end!

Wow! An amazing and compelling start here. Right away you hook us this teenaged killing team! They are so exact and professionaly, but I love that you show they are still slightly human. The fixation on the woman breatfeeding is nice to show that while they are human they are still trained solders.

I want to know much more about this world you have created at the end of this chapter. It leaves me wondering who the antagonist is going to be, and I like that. Very good start!

Thanks for the review on Fake!

I’m starting to notice something with your writing that I like, you either write about things that you know really well, or you definitely do your research before you sit down and write a chapter. It’s great to read something and it be realistic in the sense that the facts are right, or at least seem right enough that I believe them. Haha. So great job with that, it’s awesome you do your research, especially for a story like this.

On the other hand, I’ll have to admit that your dialog is where you’re weaker. Dialog can be really hard to write at times, so maybe read a lot of published dialog heavy stories to see how effective dialog tags are written, because I think it’s in the dialog tags that makes those parts of the chapter weak.

I really like the diverse characters that you’ve been creating here, they’re definitely going to add another great dimension to your story.

And I’m sorry that everything’s been so delayed lately, but I move tomorrow so after I get settled in to my new home and city I will have some time to get everything done that I owe you before school starts. Thanks so much for being so patient with me.

Wow. This is a change from the first chapter... Interesting. Not what I expected at all.

Speaking of what I expected, let me tell you what I expect from the rest of this story based on your foreshadowing in this chapter.

I expect guy's feelings for this girl to be unrequitted, and I expect him to fall for the soldier girl. I expect that he will feed off of her soldier-like attitude and develop confidence. This will have something to do with Green Mutant Things. And at the end of the story, his math abilities and the soldier girl's soldiering skills will come together to save the day, and whatnot.

I think the reason for this is that you didn't spend enough time on the setting. I have a vision of a very stereotypical post-apocalyptic America, of the whole world, but not of the Seattle in which they live. Not of their neighborhood. Not of the street he's walking down. My suggestion would be to start somewhere unique, not on some nameless street that he's walking to school on. I don't get a sense that he's grown up here, if you know what I'm saying. Make the setting more defined; have a better idea of what your characters see and do every day (and pass that on to your readers) before you push them into strange situations.

I understand that some of it might be the language barrier - I know that English isn't your first language, so I'm cutting you some slack in that department, but suffice to say that there were quite a few places where your phrasing was off. Unfortunately I have never taken any French, so I'm not really aware of the grammar rules, otherwise I feel like I would be able to help you more.

In sum, I think it has potential, but a vague setting and blase supporting characters is not a sound beginning for the story. Go back and work on this chapter again. Unlike your previous chapter, it is not at all action-focused. Honestly, from what I've read of your writing, your prose is a lot like mine in that your action scenes are infinitely better than your dialogue. I suck at dialogue soooo much. You should do a story that is pretty much all action. Like a military story or something. I'd eat that up. The best part of this chapter by far was when the black guy grabbed your MC by the collar. At that point, I was like, "Woah! This story just woke up!" You definitely have a knack for action. Any story you write will be much more the better for your inclusion of high-intensity physical motion.

Thanks again for your review!

-twb

I really like the world you are building in this story with the subtle descriptions of things throughout the chapters. In this chapter I especially like the details about cars, and how parts were hard to come by and you need a pass to be able to drive. That definitely makes having a car very beneficial for a teenage boy, even more so than normal. Haha. I also really like the geeky details about the narrator, and how he likes math and would rather think and talk about that kind of stuff instead of girls and their breast size. Great characterization so far.

One thing you need to watch out for is dialog tags, sometimes it’s a bit confusing on who exactly is talking when.

Good chapter! It was a nice easy read, though I can tell it still needs a bit of tweaking with sentence structure. I liked the bit with the music, it added another dimension to the story, and the narrator. Great job!

“…away in Georgia, were her family had emigrated…”

- where not were

“…because though it had never been proved…”

- proven not proved.

“…the exercise much sooner that the others…”

- than not that.

“…knowledge and my intuitions…”

- I’d make intuitions singular

“…She was one of those hot blondes, with a curvy body which could make me sweat just by climbing the stairs in front of me…”

- I’d omit the first comma and replace ‘which’ with ‘that. I loved that line also, very funny.

“…as I was more attracted by slim brunettes than curvaceous blondes…”

- I would replace ‘by’ with ‘to’

“…Was she a teacher pet too…”

- teacher should be teacher’s

I really love how you introduced this chapter! The first line really got me into the chapter and made me want to read more, and I wasn’t disappointed when you explored the immigration laws and comparing France to the US and everything. I particularly liked that you tied it into the narrator explaining it to a character, and that the whole introduction was actually a someone explaining that to someone else in the story. It was a very smooth transition and a great way to get into the classroom setting without making the story sound choppy at all.

I really liked this chapter, so I just want to do a content review about what was most enjoyable :) This was a fun beta-read for me too and I enjoyed getting to know our newest character to the cast. I'm also looking forward for more developments too, I can't wait until FP is up and fully running again! In the meantime...

As I think I said in my first beta review, I enjoyed your description of Fy by Etienne, it put things in perspective and gave us an initial flavor for her. I also liked their conversation with the bees, there was something quite lovely about the image of all of it too, taking place on the rooftop-I thought that was really great for the setting, and unique, also with the idea of keeping bees, I thought Fy's naivety about bee keeping was interesting too, since it seemed like she has a lot of experience in other areas but normal living day-today in this entire uncertain world you've created.

Liked that you brought Etienne's dad back into the picture for this, and I like that you also solicited some options out of him, even concerning Fy and even music too. It created more of a relationship for them and worked on that characterization. I liked the part where Etienne sort of lied and said nothing was wrong with the bass, it shows his character too, not wanting to disrupt or worry his dad, etc. He's such a nice guy! It's really a shame that Sam and him still haven't hooked up, *sigh*.

"Medkits"-is that a term you made up on your own? I remember wondering it. If so, I like it a lot, you've managed to insert it in a really creative way and the concept was believable for me too. I'm glad that you brought the outside world into Etienne's in the form of a new character, that was creative, and it shows even more diversity. That's another thing I really love about this story too-you've got so much diversity in characters, even in race, etc. It's great, and I think you've captured it perfectly. Many stories, my own included, lack that sense of diverse characters and backgrounds, so I really respect that about Five ways to mess.

Again, enjoyed this, I hope to see more this summer! I hope I could contribute some more thoughts on this, I apologize if you found I was just repeating everything I've already said! XD

Great beginning! it was gripping and tense, and lol, i agree with patrick, badass! THere were some grammar/typo issues (e.g. "It's just that they really had no chances", its just that they really had no chance/never had a chance, "60 pounds, ten years-old girl " 60 pound, ten year old girl) but i assume Kim got those in her email so i won't list em here. If you want me to, just PM.

The narrative voice did sound a little formal, but that wasn't necessarily out of place for a military kid, for me. I really enjoyed this and look forward to reading more!

First off, I’m a little confused over who is speaking at the very beginning of the chapter. Like, as I read on I come to realize that it’s the narrator and a pretty Asian girl, but it takes me a moment and it’s just a little confusing at first, especially with your sentence structure during the second paragraph. That might be something you could look at, or I could look at it for you when I have the chance and time. :)

"No more than yesterday, unless you like to eat shit for breakfast."

- That was awesome.

I like that you aren’t afraid to play on racial stereotypes. I personally feel that the dynamic in this chapter could be tweeked just a bit, but generally speaking I really do like the idea. The narrators voice was a strong one, and I got a pretty good image in my head of what he is like, which was nice to see through actions in the chapter.

I think you need to work on sentence structure in this chapter, and I would have liked to see the world that these characters in painted in a more detailed way. I got some of a good idea through the narrator, but I’m still left with a lot of questions that I think need to be answered.

For the age group you're trying to present, I feel that you've got a style of narration that's a bit too stiff and formal. It doesn't seem consistent with children who are younger than 15. Just by throwing in a few contractions, I think the narrative would be greatly improved.

I do think that you've established the setting wonderfully. It was achieved gracefully and thoughtfully, and it helped to get the story into my head right away.

The narrative sounded a bit choppy at times, but for the most part I liked it. It really set the tone for the prologue even though I know the rest of the story doesn’t sound like this at all. I liked that you didn’t use a lot of contractions, and I think you could have done that more with this to make it sound even more formal and military like. The descriptions were a bit heavy at times, but I think they were necessary for this chapter, setting the tone and all that which I mentioned before. Overall I thought that this was a good introduction to the story, it set a pretty bad ass theme for the reader and makes me want to know more about this young, female military character.

There are a lot of technical and grammar things I would change, but you will get all of that in my email. :)

Ah, I enjoyed the little main cast and setting list you did, that helps and keeps everyone straight since it's been awhile with these characters. Hearing their descriptions was also a good idea too, just to remind us. I enjoyed that because it re-acquainted me to the story in a way that makes me feel ready to take on the next season!

In this chapter, I think you did a great job with what you mention in the summary-creating a coming of age story. The teenage motifs were well played in this and you did a fabulous job with Etienne in this chapter. He was by far the highlight and I loved the conflict between him and Sam in the first part. The "new" guy part of their group gave us a great chance to see Etienne's growth as a character and also see a glimpse of his inner conflicts and his problems about "getting the girl". I think you make him very relatable for those his age, and you're doing a good job keeping it realistic as far as his jealousy and feelings.

The dialogue through the first two parts was wonderful-you do a fantastic job creating the image of the music and how the group goes about making it, visually I can see the jam session and I loved the little comments like, "Stay on that A", etc. because it was realistic to me-and the way you weave it with the social commentary on their relationships and add in the characterization for everyone really gives those scenes life.

I think my favorite part was the second part with all of his reflections about his past love life and where he hopes it will end up in the future. I just keep really wanting him to get together with Sam and you really pulled readers around with this chapter and providing her with a new boy-toy. I left the last Season actually thinking they might finally hook up, but it seems that isn't the case once we've rejoined them.

Per usual, I'm looking forward to the developments-keeping an eye on Etienne and Sam, for sure, and also if Etienne's perceptions of his love life change, and his expectations. Oh! And, also, it was a great moment there when we got to see his Dad again, kind of puts a sense of background to his character too-reminds him he has a home life, that sort of thing. Glad you ended where you did too-this Asian girl is an exciting addition to the cast, I'll be interested to see where you take her.

From the Review Marathon at the Review Game (link in my profile)

I liked the start of this. It set up a mystery and drew me right in. The way you set up the scene keeps the mystery going too. I’m intrigued by who the narrator is and where he is. Or if he is a he, come to that.

The swift matter of fact murder, the language and the detail about not even seeing his face was good too. Although I’m still not entirely sure what’s going on, but if that’s what you’re aiming for then no worries.

. She's a blonde woman with short hair wearing a dark trench coat, who also gets my foot between her legs before she realizes I've turned from prey to threat. – This s a long sentence, and given the tension of the fight it might be a good idea to break it up a bit. The way you give them numbers though works really well. It goes with the almost mathematical feel. It’s almost like the narrator is part robot, or has that level of dispassionate training that makes them almost act like it anyway.

I end the struggle by crushing her throat with my fist, and use the gun to put a bullet in Three's head, then hers. – Again, I think this would be more brutal if you broke it up. That’s just a personal style thing though.

It's starting to rain – after a fight in an alley. It feels a bit cliché, but it’s one that I love.

Ah, long hair and a bun – so a girl? Even better. I like the shaking as well. It makes her feel more human after the swift efficiency of seeing her work.

I’m really hooked on finding out what this young girl is up to. The reaction to the woman dancing feels right too. I think dispassionate not understanding is accurate, especially as the kind of wok she does wouldn’t make her snigger like I think children normally would.

Oh wow. FBI and an on board med kit. I really want to know what’s going on!

Ah, we've switched around a bit here, I forgot that this story works in "episodes" and everything! I like the idea, very creative way to intro into a new beginning, so to speak. Can't wait to figure out what all this is about, it kind of hearkens back to your other prologue for season 1, I think.

Oh cool, alright, awesome, I love how you incorporated the title into the theme of this-five ways to mess, five ways to "slip" out, five glances...there's definitley a theme of five...huh, I like it because you slipped it in subtley and it wasn't all in-your-face to the reader, but something to be picked up on. I think, actually, I love your title even more now that there's some context to it besides what was hinted at in the first season.

The action scene in the first part was paced well, didn't mind it. I think you kept it organized because I could visually see what our narrator is doing each time, I particularly liked the image of the "side-step" thing, it was just visually appealing to me, XD.

...and hello kitty letterhead...

-Edit: I think perhaps Hello Kitty should be capitalized since it's such a huge product and everything...but also, that's hilarious, haha, love that detail.

Wow, loved that code business about getting into room 3, that was intense. Formulated well, really made me want to keep reading because of the "I have credit with Sally" line, haha, it makes the reader know something intense is going on-also that the character might be in a sticky situation, loved it!

The part with the erotic dancer's moves were great, it was imparted so practically "and then she stuck some object in..." hahaha, that's a good paragraph and I think you segwayed nicely into the action sequence again, because the character was very calculated about it, kept her head for sure.

Good ending, liked the internal thoughts that were woven into that action scene, compared to the one in the first part. This is a great prologue, I really want to learn more about what's going on, and I think you're going into a bit more detail about the society outside of the student-life in the first part, I just keep wondering if it'll wrap back around to those characters, or if we're in a completely different focus. But overall, looking forward to more as always!

Great way to end part 1. Looking forward to reading more. I'd like to see more of "soldier Sam."