|Reviews for Sing|
| KCanna chapter 1 . 10/11/2009
First of all, gotta say that I love the emotion. So much grief. Gee, take a happy pill once in a while. And now I have to give some constructive criticism. Sorry xP
But what I didn't like was that you were sort of switching around different times. Like, we see that he's grieved this horribly since her death, and we kind of get the feeling that he's been grieving for a long time, maybe even years. But then it flashes backwards to when he finally finds her dead. Then it mentions the funeral. Then it mentions him getting lilacs for the funeral, and then keeps the steady time frame. It just gets a little confusing. I mean, I know what you're trying to say, but it was just a little unclear. And when Ammon kills himself, it's almost like there is no "killing scene." It's just "this dagger will take me too" (even though the cold is what got Zoe, as you mentioned) and then Rori crying and begging him not to do this. So it was a wee bit inconsistent and I would have liked to hear a death scene. Unless Rori was so hysterical that she didn't hear/see/sense it happen. If that's the case, then you might want to make that a little clearer.
Overall, I liked this piece. I liked that it had a happy ending too. I think I actually wrote a scene similar to this, only the roles were reversed. But then I put it in the back of my documents because it was too depressing, even if there was a happy ending. And mine was inconsistent with my plot. But enough about me.
Actually, I think that's pretty much it. Oh, and some sentences were a teeny bit choppy, but it was actually pretty smooth regarding fluency. Thumbs up for that. And THAT'S all. Good job!