|Reviews for The Gathering|
| Devil's Playground chapter 2 . 10/16/2009
This chapter was rather confusing to me - you spend a lot of time describing some things, and at other parts you switched far too quickly between events or characters. I had some trouble following it, especially towards the end. Also, when it described Yumi being bullied, I think it would have been a lot more effective to describe certain, more powerful events in detail rather than paraphrasing years of her life - it took away from the emotional impact.
Overall, though, you are a really, really good writer. It's obvious that you have put a lot of thought into this story and created a thorough, complex plotline, and I'm curious to see where it all leads. You have great word choice, and though there were a few errors, there was nothing major that jumped out at me. Keep on writing!
| Devil's Playground chapter 1 . 10/16/2009
I'm really curious to see where this is going - the prologue and the summary both did a great job of hooking me in without actually letting me know what it's really about! The description is great as well, and you did a very good job setting the overall tone with your word choice. There were some minor errors - typos, tense changes - but very few and nothing that actually impaired my reading. This seems very good, and I'm going on to read the next chapter now. :)
| Mintiee chapter 2 . 10/16/2009
ok, i'm going to brutally honest and say that the beginning wasn't all that well written. Technically, i mean. The imagery and language was great.
sentences were a big one. You've crammed to much detail into them, so many of them are too long. For instance "That dream that haunted her every night, it was of a vast empty land with souls that were distantly friendly and the shining pink blossom tree of hope and comfort disappearing upon her arrival". if you broke that up into shorter sentences it would be more dramatic, and would capture the reader's attention. As it is, it seems rushed, as if you were bored of writing and were trying to get it over with. That immediately effected my interest in the chapter.
And the names of characters and such. I got very confused, one minute it's Yumi, next it's Jacqueline, then Cheryl, then there's an Elanor...you introduced these characters with little or no explanation of who they are or why they were in the chapter, and this left me confused as to who your main character actually is.
And this chapter dragged on a bit, towards the end. It was an awful lot written about one subject, and though you've written it well and included great vocab and language,the concept wore thin fairly early. Basically, it's about girls who don't get on, and without an interesting plot or twist, or event happening, it got quite dull. I think you could really sum up everything mentioned in this chapter in a couple paragraphs. you included a lot of unnecessary information, and reading through all of it was hard. there was nothing that really grabbed my attention, which is something that's needed very early on in the chapter to keep your reader's hooked.
But, on the up side, this was well written. The imagery was fantastic and you captured the emotional pain very well. You obviously have a talent for writing, as you have a lot of detail and style which is kind of reminiscent of a lot of novels that i've read, though you do need to work on the content a bit. If the story itself was a bit more original and exciting, then i definitely would have been amazed. But anyways, i hope you take into account what i said and stuff, and i hope you continue to write!