Hello there :) I followed you here from the fictionwriters community on LJ. Thought it'd be easier to leave a more extensive comment here since I have an account.

First off, your story grabbed me. That's the most important thing, especially in the beginning. I very much enjoy your writing style- you give just enough detail for us to imagine the scene as you see it but not enough that it overwhelms us with images. I found myself chuckling at parts, which is always good because that's what a writer strives for when they are being funny. I already like Beau and I don't even mind that he's nearly perfect. I actually really liked that he gets high Bs instead of straight As, though. Nice touch. You didn't go overboard.

Overall I enjoyed the first chapter and I have a sneaking suspicion that it's only going to get better from here on out. Hitting the subscribe button shortly :) See you around here and LJ!

Great quality! But I have to say I was really confused when I read the beginning. It's just a thought but maybe start with "I vaguely remember being dragged/carried (whichever of your choice) befor being banged in the head again" so that you know he went up to the surface. I also think that you were moving too fast. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but it could have used more transitions and less action in one chapter. I do the same thing. But the great thing is, you can always insert it on a computer. I just felt confused.

Great work with the paragraph about monster being seen through th mirror.

The remark about the sex on legs was a bit inappropriate. I mean I wasn't insulted, but all the sluts in the world will b pretty mad at you if they read that.

Just a suggestion. It was hilarious, mind you, (I've seen way too many sluts my age act like that not to) but maybe a tad off subject. I mean it would be good except that there isn't much of that stuff somewhere else in the story. Also, overuse of the word fuck. Where you put it was good, but just too much of that word in there.

This may sound a bit bipolar but great work

"And so, Beau was left with John, who everyone knew was a dick."

God help me, I laughed. I didn't think I'd like this story at first, but I'm warming up to it. However I must admit I'm rather envious. I've never been able to write humor, but you seem to do so flawlessly. The story flows very well from background to present and I rather like Beau. I didn't think I would, but he seems like a likeable guy in spite of all his perfection.

I love the story. You are a wonderful writer. I feel like I am there while reading. Please keep writing :)

Awesome work, I love the description. I would just add a little more supporting details to each of the paragraphs. Unfortunately, right now I can't quite picture the "beast" it may be just me, in fact, it probably is. I also think that you are rushing quite a bit. It seems like you were just dying to get to the last part of the chapter, I don't blame you, for I do that exact thing, but it does seem a little rushed, it is more of descripitve telling rather than showing. Some, in fact many, of the paragraphs are quite short. It is alright with the length of the chapter and I am trying to take into consideration the problematic font and size of the web version. I hope you take my advice with a grain of salt! Of course, I tend to be the Randy of the AI judges, more towards the Simon. Keep up the good work!

Love the story...it's putting me on edge. Has a few rough edges but nothing an editor can't smooth out. You have a wonderful talent. Keep righting I'll keep reading

Ok, I want to say interesting story.

I know that you were trying to make a point with the whole high school language thing, but it seems a bit over the top, if you know what I mean. I would prefer to read a book without so much language. Sometimes it seems a bit too much. I dont want to hurt your feelings or anything, but it was a bit distracting.

Also, maybe consider, later in the works, to go back and specify a bit more in the first few paragraphs.

A compliment to you, I can feel the story coming up, and I like how you lead into the conflict. Keep at it, personally, that's the hardest part. You are really good at that.

I have a question for you, it may be answered later in the book, after all, I have only read the first chapter. Why is it important that Beau is perfect in every aspect? I have a character like that in my story, but she has one fault, her doubt for who she is and disliking her perfection. I made that fault because i wanted to connect with the audience i was reaching to. I put a prologue to almost explain why she feels this way, but it would be revealed more later in the story. I'm just not getting the connection I am supposed to feel when I read about Beau. I am trying to take into consideration, the gender difference.

I am really hoping that you aren't taking these comments the wrong way. I am really hoping that you take into consideration, these comments.

Now on to the compliments. I like how you described each of the teammates. I also loved the thoughts going through Beau's head when he sees the pipe. Keep writing!