|Reviews for Lost Boys of the Cascades|
| Mandyla chapter 2 . 8/22/2010
Another interesting chapter. I was particularly fond of the part where Jennie steps in to kill the girl bandit with her machete. Very entertaining.
The only comment I have is on the dialogue after they reach the ranch and during dinner. Sometimes what the characters say seems a little random, like they're just saying it for the purpose of getting the facts in and advancing the storyline.
| Mandyla chapter 1 . 8/22/2010
This idea is definitely interesting, but in the beginning it felt a little lost. You jump between characters quickly, making it a little hard to follow. The style is pretty straightforward and you put the action up front, but it could use some more descriptions and the use of present tense just seems a little funky. Also, just a little personal thing, you use the word "says" a lot. Try using different words like "yells" or "explains" to make the characters come to life more.
Like I said, interesting idea. I'm curious to see what happens :)
| lipleaf chapter 1 . 8/21/2010
I think the present-tense narration is a bit out of place here. It feels strange. Also, the way you describe the characters is pretty bland and doesn't really interest the reader. Maybe you could find ways to incorporate details of their appearance into the actual story instead of just stating them?
| Melody-kun chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
I love your diologue, very realistic. Nothing unneeded, and no thoughts are repeated, good job!
| Alice's Pendant chapter 1 . 6/11/2010
I didn't think there was enough description between dialogue. It's quite vague, and I cannot sense the atmospheric emotions behind the narration.
However, the dialogue is very well done! Hence the excellent characterization.
| HoodedStellaish chapter 1 . 5/30/2010
Hi there! So my reviews have been getting cut off, so I *do* have it on a document if you still want it. Sometimes it looks like it's not cut off, but it is. So if it's not clear, it's probably cut off.
::Troy is a boy of about eleven years of age- the same age Dylan is. He stands at about five feet tall, just like Dylan.:: This note refers to throughout the whole chapter. I found it extremely choppy, which immediately made me want to drop the story. Here's how you can try to fix it. 1) You can omit the periods and use a comma or a conjunction to connect the thoughts. 2) Here's an example for this one. You could try something like this, "Troy and Dylan are eleven years of age, and both are similar in height." If you try that way, you can even add something on the end if you wanted!
::We were going to the Rogue Valley to trade. Bandits ambushed us. I think they killed the others. I managed to escape.:: This choppy sentence was the best example I pulled out. If you read it, you’re constantly breaking off, taking a breath and then continuing for a whole three seconds and doing it again. That causes people to lose interest. The best thing I can think of to change that is to go through the chapter and fix them using the 1) I showed you up there. So instead of being so choppy, it would be, “We were going to the Rogue Valley to trade, and these bandits ambushed us. I think they killed the others, but I managed to escape.” See how that flowed better?
::What will you do later?" Like when you grow up.":: Thankfully, this was just a typo. Unless someone else randomly started talking, I don’t think you need that extra quotation mark. J
::"Why not?" asks Tania. She touches her right leg, now immobilized in a splint. "I can't walk or bike home now."
"We need to do something," says Barry.:: I really wasn’t sure if that insane long of Os was someone going “O!” or a scene change. That should be a little bit more pronounced, like put stars (*) in front of the Os and don’t capitalize the first one.
I also have one more note. The first line and the first chapter are always the most important. They draw people in and make them want more. The first line, on a scale from 1 to 10, I gave a 4. It was good, but it could be better. To get it better, try something like will make people kinda stop and go, “Wait, what?” by saying something that is obvious to the character but will stop the reader. It’s called a “hook line” for obvious reasons.
As for the first chapter, I gave a 5. It was definitely good, but with a little work on grammar, etc. it could reach out and hook people.
I apologize if that was harsh! I really don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I also want your story to be the best it can be. Thank you so much for sharing that story! It sounds interesting.
Keep on writing!
P.S. Thanks for all the reviews you’ve given me! I appreciate them!
| Experiment101 chapter 2 . 5/26/2010
I really like this, it's not something I would usually read but it's still got my attention! - E from the roadhouse.
| Experiment101 chapter 1 . 5/26/2010
I really liked the length in this for a first chapter, and I enjoyed the descriptive writing style and like all the characters names, :) - E from the roadhouse.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 5 . 5/11/2010
Seeing as this is marked as complete, I'm wondering if that was the ending? If so, I think it could have been a bit more powerful. Things seem to jump really quickly throughout, it could do with a little bit more description. Other than that, I really do hope there's more. It's an interesting idea and I'd like to see more of it.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 5/8/2010
Once more, I'd suggest changing the present tense; it takes away from some of the impact certain parts should have. Another thing I noticed was the way speech seems to jump from one topic to another, almost as if some characters don't seem to pay attention to what others said. With the Monopoly scene, it seemed a bit too random, like it didn't really add anything to the overall plot.
About the plot - it gets more and more interesting! I can't believe Barry shot her. As we see more of the characters, its clear they're not children anymore, as much as they don't want to grow up. Fighting, swearing and killing are the exact things they seemed, at the start, to want to avoid. Good job on getting that idea across.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 5/1/2010
A really interesting idea, with the world having ended and only kids and pre-teens being left. The only suggestions I'd have is maybe switch to past tense if it's in third person; present tense can get a bit weird when read constantly. And you might want to change some of the speech tags, "says so-and-so" and "so-and-so says" gets a bit repetitive after a while. Anyway, I really enjoyed the first chapter!:D
| Kobra Kid chapter 5 . 4/30/2010
Oh wow, pirates? Norman, Tania & everyone else better get ready! I'm glad Norman is the leader though! :D.
P.S. Please payback via RFTA
| weary writer chapter 1 . 4/29/2010
Again, you come up with some very original plot ideals, most consisting of a post-apocalyptic setting and children. Is it all tied into one central world/universe? It's quite interesting. Could use some work on your description, however. And you might just do better writing completely in first person, the tense still throws me off.
| Kobra Kid chapter 4 . 4/28/2010
Yes! Go Tania! -cheers- That Barry deserved to die! He killed Dylan & Jenny & said the Indians did it! That filthy scum! Right now, my fav characters would have to be Tania and Norman. They both rock! Good job, keep it up. )
P.S. Could you please payback via RFTA? Take your time though, I'm not one of those -if-you-dont-review-my-story-I'll-kill-you people. x3.
| Kobra Kid chapter 3 . 4/28/2010
OMFG! What jus happened? Barry KILLED Jennie, who was going to bear his child? Jerk! And it wasn't Jenie's fault! HE'S the one that made the baby!
Ugh, I know he doesn't want to grow up but seriously! You can't stop that! Augh! Stupid Barry! And Poor Jeanie T_T
- B. Cross
P.S. Please payback via RFTA. If you have a prob w/ it, just tell me. ( :