Reviews for Harbinger of Dissolution
Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 5 . 11/7/2010
I wouldn't say that this chapter is a filler. Rather I call it a transitional chapter. :) Anyway, this is again a good chapter. The first part on Rataneh and Neferian was really intriguing as it hinted at an immense plan of political movement here given Neferian's plans. It really surprised me that Rataneh didn't know the stuff that he should know, but then again since everything was from a first person view so far, it might not be the case. Regardless of what you're planning, I'm interested to see what you can do here. By the way, isn't Neferian after Nidias' hand? I remember that sexual relationships in ancient Egypt was pretty much complicated from what I've heard, so I won't be surprised if that's the case.

As for the part on Osirai and Reti, I like the change in mood here. You did pretty well to highlight the light hearted nature of the talk until the ending part, which led to me wondering what makes Osirai a prince. I'm thinking it might be the bloodline, but for all I know it might be your own version of the Indian caste system where the priests were considered the highest of the order. Needless to say, this bs in Indian history is a gross crime against humanity. -.-

And now for Iterai's part. I think you did a good job in showing that he's the main character of the focus here in a subtle manner. What I mean here is very simple. You introduced other characters apart from himself and gave them equal exposure. But yet the readers are able to feel strongly that he's the character in focus. So good job here. That plus from what I've seen here so far, he's destined for greatness. In my own words, he's got some kind of imba powers hidden within him from my own view. :D

P.S: Got my new story up now entitled Cycle Of The Three Kingdoms in case you failed to get the alert for some reason. Hope to see your review for it soon. :)
Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 4 . 3/13/2010
Well, I can say that the first part of this chapter seems rather vital to the future plot. Now I know why it was said that the king is dead. However it will be interesting to see where Nidias' role and character in the plot will go from here. In fact I suspect Nidias might be my all time favorite in this story due to the fact that he's the most humane character so far. Of course your other characters did display a certain show of humane weakness, but to me, Nidias' stood out the most mainly because he's the type that goes ends justifying the means kind of character. No different from what I've planned for Aeranath in A Ranger's Tale. Also it seems that Nia will be part of the vital cast as well.

At least I hope so mainly because you gave her such a strong showing in this chapter. The second part seems too much like a romance filler to me though. It really seems as if that you intend it to be for romance purposes only albeit I don't know how much of an impact will this aspect have on the plot. As for the final part, all I can say is that nobility is a bitch. As for the discussion part at the very end, I suspect that it might has something to do with Nidias. ;)

P.S: I'm so sorry that I reviewed late here. My laziness did me in big time. :S

Add P.S: Did you get my previous PM? I find it a bit weird that you've yet to reply albeit I believe you must have been really busy of late for you not to reply back.
Billatrix Lestrange chapter 4 . 2/26/2010
Wow. I'm impressed with this. So rarely do I encounter something so impressive that I almost don't know how to react. But here goes nothing )

Your writing literally makes me jealous, something I'm far more accustomed to being told than admitting. It's truly some of the most gorgeous writing I've read, especially on the internet. Your description and diction is of particular note. Each word you use is so manages to perfectly balance adding beauty and color to the writing while not becoming too esoteric for your average teenage fantasy reader. You've used it to craft some of the most stunning and vivid descriptions I've encountered, and it is certainly a major plus to this story.

Your dialogue is likewise strong. As far as it being somewhat modern, I spent a good minute or two figuring that out in my mind...they're not speaking English, and they're mostly young so they'd be using the Ancient Egyptian equivalent to slang anyway, so it works, which, of course, is always a good thing D

As far as the plot goes, it's naturally early on in the story, but it's unfolding, and at a very nice pace. It could be called a little on the slow side, but I'm perfectly okay with your pacing. I like it a lot, actually. Very delicate, very gentle. It works well with the situation, especially with Nidias and his own delicate, gentle plotting, softly, softly in the shadows.

The characters are generally well done. Rataneh is certainly working his way up to being a strong villain, both in the sense he's certainly got villainous actions written all over him, and in the sense that he's certainly a multi-dimensional villain. That, of course, is the real key to a truly great villain. Reti is one of my favorites, for sure. I've generally just loved his characterization throughout the piece. Same with the brief scene with Sesia. Iterai and Seshtau fill their roles perfectly, although I certainly hope that Seshtau becomes more powerful than she currently is. Iterai is doing a wonderful job as the annoying but lovable little sibling. Nia's a good character, but I'd also like to see her develop beyond the poor little servant girl who falls in love with a Prince. Nefarian is my favorite, I have a huge crush on her (one scene can do that to you may guess by my account name, I have a thing for evil women), and I cannot wait to see how the femme fatale will plot and conspire.

Now, to deal with the two main characters...first off, I absolutely love what you're doing with Nidias. He's a great character, for he's playing two very different roles at the same time: the innocent, reluctant young man thrust into the role of the king, and the politician who plots in the shadows. That you have him portrayed as such makes me very happy. It adds so much depth to him...yes, he's reluctant, but at the same time, he is certainly able to play the political games that a ruler must be able to play in order to maintain power. The fact that he is blind also makes me like him as a character more. I can't totally explain why, but what really matters is that it works. And the mysterious stranger/guide...I simply adore the cryptic warnings. I think part of the reason for that, though, is that Nidias needs cryptic warnings. He has a very, very dark side to him, something too many main characters lack these days. Some of them are just so...good.

Which brings me to Osirai. Don't get me wrong, he's not doomed to an existence as a boring protagonist who's destined to be the best in the history of and so on and so forth...but he's certainly got a lot of that going for him. He's a more traditional main character, to say the least, but I do hope we get to see a much darker side to his personality. He is far too idealistic and rebellious and all of that fun stuff. I guess I'm just not a fan of the hero type characters without some real darkness within them. Oh well, I guess every story needs one. I just hope that his idealism and rebelliousness leads him to the realistic ending of those sorts of people. Either that or he darkens up. Either will do.

I'm looking forward to when Osirai and Nidias's plots will intersect (through Rataneh and goon, I assume), and to see each of the characters develop more. It is early on, but characters with depth are like my favorite thing...ever. Maybe except for Godiva chocolate.

As far as criticisms of this piece, I have very, very few. There is the occasional typo, so perhaps a little bit more editing, but it's so non-dominant that I'm not concerned. Perhaps elaborate a little bit more on the way magic works, but you're doing it gradually, and not overwhelming the reader, so it's not even really a critism. Just clarify it in the upcoming chapters I guess...I hate having to be this determined to find flaws.

Jealousy much, eh? D

I must say thank you for putting this piece online, because it was (and hopefully will continue to be) an all around excellent work, and I cannot wait for an update. So please do make it soon. In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to entertain myself by writing my own stuff and going to your other works and reading them as soon as possible.

So update soon )

~Billatrix Lestrange

PS: "Just like your mother. Well, if there is something wrong with the bitch, I suppose there must be something wrong with the pup." Is that a Prisoner of Azkaban reference, or just coincidence?
Apoptosis chapter 3 . 2/21/2010
Wait... are they only just now learning about the king from before, or did a main character just die! Either way, MASSIVE cliffhanger.

Did Reti turn evil? He seems not-so-nice now. "Blah blah don't make promises you can't keep blah blah" It's like he's done a complete 180!

Realistically, how could you fly with wings of fire? Logically, that's totally impossible. You can't just go condensing fire into some kind of physical stuff, and at any rate, it's a difficult enough task to fly even with real wings.
Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 3 . 2/16/2010
Okay, I'm actually gambling on the temporary high I'm having in reviewing, so it's a good thing that I've managed to read through this chapter without any problem despite the length. Okay firstly on Osirai's ability, I believe it would be termed as pyrokinesis in a general sense. Sort of like what Kiran is capable of in The Eternal Grail. If you remember the brief appearance he made in the earlier chapters, you will get what I mean here. Granted of course the colors of the flames are different, but that's another issue best left untouched for the sake of not digressing any further.

On a certain note, I do find the concept of powers in this story somewhat similar to Fire and Ice. But it might be coincidence. Then again maybe not since it's common for writers to recycle their ideas. I did that a lot of times really. Just take a recap look on how I did my creation theory. Biblical inspiration ftw. XD

Anyway, from what I've seen so far, Seshtau's ability seems the weakest at the current moment if there's anything to go by in this chapter. Knowing you of course, this might change ala Fire and Ice. Iterai might have some kind of really imba powers if there's any truth in this chapter, hence my previous statement on Seshtau.

And it's interesting albeit sad to see how death can change Reti's entire outlook on life. Sort of like Archer in the Fate Stay Night visual novel albeit the situation was pretty much different. As for Osirai's role in the future plot, I suspect that Rataneh might be using him as some kind of plot to seize the so-called absolute power aka the Pharoah. In which this case I guess you can actually use this term in place of the word king since Pharoah is the official term for Egytian rulers.

And I hope to see Iterai being bonded to an awesome bigass wolf. Okay I know wolves don't exist in Egypt, but hey, you can actually think up of random stuf to justify it. It's fantasy ffs. :D Anyway on the king they're speaking of, is it Nidias? I'll kill you ffs if he's really dead at least by this point of time. Really I'll go Drizzt mode on you. It's like you gave him a meaty role, so I truly hope he's not killed off. That will look like a crappy version of A Song of Ice and Fire job if you get what I mean. However if you can create a crucial impact on the plot should he really be offed at this point of time, then you're forgiven. But then again, my instincts told me you won't kill him off. ;)

P.S; So uber sorry in being so uber late in reviewing. Got caught up by a screwed up combo of outstanding reviews and job interviews. :(
Cammi Bookaholic chapter 3 . 1/3/2010
Also as a side-note please update soon- you've ended this chapter with such a cliffhanger!
Cammi Bookaholic chapter 2 . 1/3/2010
Wow this is beautifully written- the language you use is very poetic, especially your descriptions. The plot so far seems interesting, both focussing on the intimate relationships in the family and also hinting at wider political and social consequences. You are an incredible author- keep up the good work, I can't wait to see what direction you will take the plot in!
Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 2 . 12/20/2009
Ergh. Again I'm an epic fail not to review this one earlier. :S Anyway, I don't actually find this chapter boring because not only is this chapter shorter than usual, which gives a lot on easier reading, but at the same time you've managed to entwine character exploration and possible politics into one single step that can define the plot.

Let me first say that for some weird reason, the definition of fate here reminds me of the BlazBlue games. Must be the term fate that did the deal. Anyway, from what I've seen in Nidias' POV, politics might be a must-have in the future plot depending on how you plan the whole thing. Anyway, it seems that Nidias could be playing a dangerous game of political poker here if there's anything to get out of the chapter. The presence of Neferian quite frankly just complicates the whole picture. All in all, the whole thing is a good starter for a good plot.

And that nameless stranger really reminds me of Kilen in The Eternal Grail. It's like both of them are god tiered characters in knowledge and wisdom lol! XD And Rataneh in reality is Matou Zouken of Fate Stay Night. Grandpa tiered villain? Check. Attempts to use his own descendants? Check. Possibly an immortal freak in age? I might have gotten that right for all I know. I just won't label him as an S tiered troll like Silanidas of Fire and Ice and Terumi of BlazBlue though. At least for now that is.

And I know you won't do that, but still I truly hope Osirai won't be a second Matou Sakura of Fate Stay Night. Okay I know this won't likely happen like I've said just now, but still I'll have to say it out. As for the part on Reti, I think it won't actually have an impact on the plot unless Rataneh did have a hand in it. But still it makes for interesting reading on the character aspect. And I'm inclined to believe most, if not all of your vital cast will have some kind of imba powers hidden within here. With that being said though, I'm not too sure if Reti will be part of the main vital cast. For all I know, he could be just an important side character. :S

Eh I could have said more, but my brain has gone ka-bzt right now due to lack of sleep last night. x.x So yeah, I'll sign off here. And yeah, I'll try to review Fire and Ice ASAP. But if my plans to do a new chapter of The Eternal Grail actually goes ahead, then chances are that I will only review that one once I've got the new chapter up. Sorry there, but tbh I can't actually do a prolonged focus in reading whenever I'm doing a new chapter for my stories. :(
Frayling0 chapter 2 . 12/6/2009
Wow this story is brilliant so far! I love the ancient Egyptian theme, and your characters are as emotionally real as in Fire and Ice. Your writing is as beautiful as ever, with a wide vocab and almost poetic choice of sentencing. Great work! I look forward to seeing more of this story. ~ Luke. P.S, If possible, return via Keitaro.
Apoptosis chapter 2 . 11/20/2009
Another eloquently written chapter. Nidias's super senses reminds me of Daredevil, seeing how his blindness gives him super hearing. Especially the part about being able to hear people's heartbeats and such.

I love your exploration of details such as the statuette, as well as the overall magnitude of the plot. That Ratanah fellow seems particularly interesting in his motivations, despite his general evilness.

"It was not like his usual mirth, hard, humorless. He sounded much like his father."

This part tripped me up a bit. What is it trying to say, exactly?

Narq chapter 2 . 11/20/2009
A long chapter. A bit hard to concentrate since I've got a short attention span, but, I did like a few of your sentences a lot!

"His voice was like the mournful cacophony of a thousand spirits" That was beautiful!

Despite that you say it is boring, I think it's quite interesting and it opens a lot of questions that your future chaptes need to answer.

Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 10/19/2009
Herro there. Me again. :) Anyway for starters, I do feel that the characters connection in this story is the strongest you've got here so far on the starting chapter basis, so good for you. Although I still don't know what you will do for the plot, I can see the possible connections between Nidias' scene and the other two.

The fire training part did remind me of Fire and Ice though. Eh guess when one writes too many stories, the similiarities will be pretty much prominent as well. :S As for Reti, well his definition on law really reminds me of an unpleasant chapter in my church quite some time ago in which I can only say that the cause is certain human politics at work. :S As for Nia, well she comes across to me as just a token female character. Hopefully you will prove me wrong. Osirai on the other hand has a certain appeal in him that stems from his powers. I will be interested to see how you will shape him as a character. Nidias seems like the chosen one kind of character to me, but I can't really give any verdict to him since I didn't see much of his nature here apart from the kingship aspect. I'm not too sure about Rataneh though in a sense that I don't know if he will have a certain impact on the story. For some weird reason, he reminds me of Matou Zouken of Fate Stay Night even though that old freak doesn't look human to me.

As for Iterai and Seshtau, I guess anything can happen on their future roles in the story. What I've seen here so far in their relationship though vaguely reminds me of the lol relationship between Tasuki and his sister in Fushigi Yuugi. If you've read the manga, you will know. ;) And why is it that I feel that Iterai might form some kind of imba ability that will have something to do with his falcon friend? ut his nature really reminds me of Naruto in the cheerful aspect. I don't know if it's coincidence or otherwise though. Anyway, good starting chapter with an unknown plot that can go either way. I will be curious to see what will come out of it next. :)

P.S: The Eternal Grail is up with a new chapter in case you don't know. Hope to see your review for it soon. :)
Raguelle chapter 1 . 10/16/2009
Wow... very well written! Will you publish it? It's very visual, which I like. I like being able to read something and see a movie in my head from what I read, and this accomplished that. Also, this is so unique-you don't find a lot of stories about ancient Egypt, much less stories like this. I can't wait to see how the story develops! I hope Osirai and Nia are able to be together! Please keep it up :D

Since you're a really good writer, could you read some of my stories and tell me what you think? Only if you have time, that is :D Don't let anything take you away from writing this story.
Apoptosis chapter 1 . 10/16/2009
No offense, but I think your title is kind of... misspelled. Did you mean "Harbinger of Dissolution?"

Anyway, that is some high-quality writing you have there, sir. I particularly favor your choice of vocabulary. These characters are also very distinct. The language is a bit jarringly modern, but that is somewhat difficult to consider because logically they wouldn't speak English anyway.

For some reason, I always thought that trading card games were very prominent in ancient Egypt, so I found it a bit odd that you didn't mention them. But that's fine; perhaps I am merely mistaken.