|Reviews for Coming of the Elemental Warriors|
| Chesterfield chapter 2 . 10/17/2009
I'm liking the tone of this story and where it is going. The POV changes are, as you said, a little confusing, but I think everything will come into light and be less complicated as the story goes on.
There are a few housekeeping issues with your grammar and sentence structure, though, which I think will vastly improve your story if you spent a few minutes going over your sentences before you sumbit them. I think a lot of people might click on your story to read, and then once they see the grammar isn't immaculate, may click away from it. For example, I picked this sentence out at random:
"Sarah looked forward to see a chair with a young man probably 16 in it. He had a demonic Smirk on his face as he was glaring darkly at Sarah which frightened her."
There's a lot of subject confusion in these two sentences and with just a little tweaking, they would be stronger:
Sarah turned to see a young man, probably about sixteen, sitting in the chair in front of her and wearing a smirk, glaring in a dark and ultimately frightening way.
It's only my opinion of course, (I'm a pretty high maintanence reviewer) but I think you would really benefit from a laid back beta reader just to highlight the sentences that need work.
In the end, I like this story and I like what you have so far, so I definitely think you should continue. I do look forward to reading more. Thanks and keep up the good creative work!