|Reviews for Regan Saves the Drama Club!|
| 1.21 Jigawatts chapter 1 . 1/9/2010
Hello from the Roadhouse,
I guess the first thing I have to say is that your story is really quirky. It's entertaining in a way I didn't expect (maybe because I don't usually read these kinds of stories), but it did kind of make me feel all warm inside (also probably because high school was a long long time ago for me), because I find some of these types of sentiments and interactions somewhat nostalgic. You do a good job of allowing the reader to get inside Regan's head and her emotional state, and the dialogue / characterization is pretty clever.
Overall, I didn't find anything that bugged me about the technical writing aspects per se, except maybe to say that your language was a little too light or casual. Not a big deal though, especially for what I perceive as the type that this story aims to be.
This is probably because this is just the beginning, however, but after finishing the chapter, I sort of felt that there was a perception gap in the story. As if the sense of urgency, or depth of the emotions were kind of...muffled. The draw of the story is entertaining, but I felt that something about the way things were happening were somewhat understated. I think this is linked to the casual language thing, but it's not a big deal overall. If that's intentional (which it might be), that's alright too.
Anyway, I'll jump into the next few chapters when I have time. Good job!
(Sidenote - if you plan on reviewing any of my stuff, I'd recommend Tracer, but The Voice in my Head would be OK too. It's just that the latter is a bit harder to get into).
| taerkitty chapter 11 . 1/9/2010
"Courtlyn waved to me as [she] helped an underclassman find the AV clubroom."
Missing a word.
Good way to express the realization. The build-up to this was flat and tell-ish, however.
"'Okay, before you get any creepier…' Miss Hughes interrupted, '… how about we talk about the fundraiser.'"
My personal opionin is, seeing that Miss Hughes started the topic, she would have an opinon and a vested interest in trying to get it resolved.
Unsure if I accept a high school kid in an emotionally-charged moement using this word. "Wierd" or "strange," perhaps.
"Blaine looked at Lucas like he wanted to say something [incrediblyhorrible]."
"Regan, you cannot leave until we have discussed what is wrong!"
Again, too stiff. "Regan. I won't let you leave until we've gotten to the bottom of this?" Or, "What the f-ck is the matter, Regan?
"Oh, fuck. That must have been why he was in Tyler’s office. Goddammit all."
Ah, misunderstanding, compounded by refusal to speak. Okay, that's a classic tempest-in-a-teapot.
"I was just being stupid. I’m stupid."
I would prefer, now that it's over and explained, she explain herself. I think it would improve her standing in the readers' eyes.
"… and found myself standing face to face with my brother."
Interesting. I'm afraid I don't remember the story with the brother enough to see the significance.
I agree this is a character development segment, but I am afraid I still don't see a central plot thread. The play isn't really a plot thread so much as it's a setting. I really hope that the story coalesces around a central theme soon.
| taerkitty chapter 10 . 1/9/2010
"It wasn’t much of a surprise that Miss Hughes couldn’t even bring herself to get to school..."
Weak opening. Starting a sentence with "It was" (or wasn't) doesn't say whathe pronoun is replacing. Also, "couldn't even bring herself" is also passive voice. Suggest "Miss Hughes was late, but that didn't surprise all the nervouse students in sitting outside the auditorium. We wanted desparately to see the cast list, but the only thing we could do was wait."
"transposing things and assigning those solos to girls."
Sort of a reverse Shakespeare. Nothing wrong with that, unless they're speaking roles. This is marginally related to critiquing because these are thoughts that may be running through people's minds, so they may need to be addressed.
"Seriously, Caleb, how are you going to deal when Elizabeth gets married?" / "Elizabeth’s never going to get married,"
"everyone accepts ... Courtlyn’s passivity, and the fact that Lucas blows all of his money on manga."
Courtlyn doesnt seem as passive as when she was first presented. Also, the 'Lucas blows all of his money on manga' part sounds forced.
"'I’m Jesus!' Blaine cried ... warranting several strange looks from passersby."
I love that image.
"Good job, Regan! You’re the principal By My Side soloist!"
I'm afraid, not knowing GodSpell so well, this is that significant to me. If your target audience is only those who know musicals, then that's fine, but be warned you're limiting yourself significantly.
"[Julia]’s just like Regan!"
I'm afraid I don't agree. There seems to be many people who claim to be similar to her, but I don't see it.
"All of my efforts to keep Blaine away from Tyler were now been rendered useless just because the twins were feeling spiteful."
I like their sense of subterfuge, though.
"'You know, Blaine, I just wanted to let you know that you’re an impressionable idiot,' I said, only I definitely did not say that"
It's an interesting double-take. I'm not sure I agree with its effectiveness. It does get the point across - she wants to say it, but won't. The disruption to readabilty may be justified by the subtle point it gets across.
"I really wouldn’t appreciate two people walking in on me while I was being felt up by the student council president, honestly."
A good 'money line' here - memorable, funny.
"He was so adorable that it was just absurd."
Nice 'popping the bubble' moment here.
Okay, here's my take on the story so far - it's important for the reader to have confidence in the author. While there is plot development in terms of the play being cast, there isn't a driving sense of purpose here - I feel that we're aimless here, that we're idling time until something interesting happeens.
Regan gets on the bad side of the twins. Not a big deal - they started out rude and ... frankly, they're more interesting that way. The twins have their little friction-filled moments. Nice, but I'm interested in Regan. Things are happening, she's reacting, but there isn't a single Big Thing that is driving her.
I'm feeling like the plot's gone into idle. I'm losing confidence in the story.
| 2.00 chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
Whoa, whenever I review a piece that already has many many (many) reviews I never know what to say, as no doubt you've heard it all before... but here goes:
I thought this was really good. You utilise the first-person very well - a harder feat than people think. Even just a few paragraphs in and there is a good image painted of Regan (like the name by the by) emotionally. One of the downsides to using the first-person, which I'm sure you've noticed, is that it can be tricky including good description. But you've supplemented this void with some very good, realistic dialogue. Dialogue that reflects the mind-set of Regan so the humour works well. That said, it would be nice to see a little more description :)
If there was one thing I'd suggest it would be... a nit-pick I suppose. Sometimes your language and grammar is a bit too casual. For instance, you structure certain lines around, say, how someone would think rather than how it should technically be written... which is fine, but sometimes it stunts the flow of the chapter somewhat... if that makes any kinda sense.
| WutNow chapter 6 . 1/6/2010
Here from Roadhouse returning the favor!
Regan has such a potty mouth, but I do agree that she has a right to complain. The dialogue between the characters are rich and original. Blaine and her would make a great couple... that is, if he returns her feelings towards her. Hopefully he will, in the future, realize that under her sarcastic tone, lies a lover... hm... sexy! Oh, and look! She's with her group of friends now! "Friends." I'm kind of taken aback by her mother though, who doesn't seem to care. Isn't she supposed to be worried? Her daughter's a girl after all.. she could get... you know... yeah lol. I'm sure it's a safe neighborhood? And IHOP was a funny idea. I didn't know they were open 24/7. I know Denny's are open, and maybe a few Jack in the Box lol.
Do I owe you anymore reviews my love? If so let me know. You were first on my Review list.
P.S-Off topic, I know, but... um, were you the author of that story that I kept bugging to update? Mage of Manipulation? I'm pretty sure it was you but now I'm forgetting. Refresh my memory?
| TheMuseMan chapter 6 . 1/6/2010
Haha! Oh how much I have missed these characters. I thought it was sweet of Regan to have such mood swings: she's in Heaven one minute and Hell the next. I thought it was cute the way she expressed her love towards him- not in a literal or obvious sense, but the way she thinks and stuff. I thought it was very very very cute hehe.
I didn't understand why they had to call her up early in the morning, set up a gathering at such a drastic time. Why not talk about it the next morning? That idea threw me off, but these are things I'd imagine kids to be doing nowadays XD. I liked the new intro to the character. I just wished he stood out a little more and had room to outshine the rest because as of now, i feel he's just an addition. Then again, more will happen in later chapters eh? Haha. I'm off to read the next chapter
| RetardedChicken chapter 13 . 1/5/2010
AMAZNIG STORY! Love this so much but you had to go on leave it on a cliff hanger, *sigh* anyways, I wanter were the bruise came from? YOU HAVE to update as soon a possible, pweety pwease!
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 12 . 1/5/2010
Devon and Regan act exactly like I do with my brothers when we're all home. Guess sibling love is the same everywhere :P I'm really liking the way you're building the relationship with Regan and Blaine; she's so oblivious to it! Mr Whit, as usual, rocks, and the twins just keep getting better and better.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 9 . 1/4/2010
I love the audition chapters! There was only one thing that bugged me though; how come they're all amazing singers? Surely there could be one or two people who if, not in the drama club, maybe auditioned but who are just average singers? Sorry, it just bugged me a little bit :P
Anyway, great choice of musical (even though I haven't seen it), it was interesting to see small 'cracks' in the twins relationship and Tyler...well, she just freaks me out.
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 13 . 1/2/2010
Wer is teh nxt chptar! Plz plz upd8 spasm.
see. This is what happens when you leave us on cliffies, such as not explaining the bruised eye, or why Courtlyn has gone weird...
~ Sakina x
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 12 . 1/2/2010
Eek, poor Courtlyn...and rofl at Regan closing the door on the other kids in Whit's office! Wow, Devon sounds pretty cute...
One more to go...
~ Sakina x
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 11 . 1/2/2010
Woah, you weren't kidding when you said this chappy was going Darth. Hehe, Regan has a date, yippee! xD
~ Sakina x
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 10 . 1/2/2010
Huh, so Julie is the new Regan...lmao.
Um, entering sleepy mode, which means I'm going to revert to my thirteen year old self and simply go, wowee!
~ Sakina x
| taerkitty chapter 8 . 1/2/2010
Chapter 8 starts at a natural point, but it's not very engaging. It's not bad, but doesn't 'catch' as strong as some of the other chapters have in the past.
Good bit, covering Mom with the blanket. Humanizes her some more (she's plenty sympathetic already) and give a twinge of sympathy for her mom.
Today's the audition, so I'm expecting it to be the first of her list of thoughts for the day.
Turning off the TV is a nice touch, but it should be established earlier to be on.
"Didn't want to start a self-loathing trip..." Nice line. Shows character, and develops some of Courtlyn's as well, even if it's contrary to what I remember Regan as having said - when they first met, Courtlyn was Regan's opposite, but her personality wasn't defined quite so strongly. We're seeing Regan make many comments about Courtlyn that have to come from experience, but gained in a very short time.
"Brief endeavours..." Nice line, which could also explain why the Twins think she acts like a robot. It's a little late to give this - can this be somehow moved up earlier?
"Poster child for abortion" is funny once the image coalesces, but it's not immediate. That may or may not be what you intended.
Hm? Monetary compensation? Unsure if that works - my impression is that student body officers weren't allowed to do anything like this, but that may be too much reality for this setting. It may need to be somehow foreshadowed or established in the writing earlier so the readers do not think this was a mistake.
Oh! I thought I was the only person who remembered /Thoroughly Modern Millie/!
Odd. I was under the impression Regan knew Blaine pretty well. To hear her ask Courtlyn about his behaviour contradicts that.
"Three of underclassmen girls." The 'of' is not needed.
Lucas floats to the solo girl, and Regan doesn't offer a bit of mental invective? I don't buy it.
"They walked over to the piano..." Probably helpful to specify this is Miss Hughes joining Courtlyn.
"We've got to do something about your desire to befriend everyone that looks exactly like they /don't/ want to be befriended." Like the line, know the feeling. Should "that" become 'who', though?
"Succeeded in making me feel completely self-conscience." Should be self-conscious.
Another natural, but not utterly compelling ending. It's a good chapter, but not driving, not breathless. It works now that the characters have been established and we're introducting new ones here. I'm concerned about the plot, though - there isn't a hammer about to fall, leastwise not how I see it. I would like to see some question to tie these questions together, besides the usual concern if or not Godspell goes off well.
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 9 . 1/2/2010
Wow, all of these people seem to be amaazing! Nice crack at the music vs drama rivalry, hehe, having done a few shows as a violinist, we all get a great deal of lulz from watching the stage stress on technical and dress rehearals, hehe. I'm not familiar with these songs, so I'll have a listen to them at some point. My school did Godspell about 4/5 years ago, so now I really wish I'd gone to see it! Anyhow, this is as brilliant as ever, and loved the little Tyler/Gideon scene...
~ Sakina x