Reviews for Fireflies
elizabeth swan chapter 1 . 7/6/2010
this is buetiful. it makes you feel like ur suspended in that moment you enjoy where you r just a person who loves life, but you must reflect at all the bad in the world.
steffxnie chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
Beautiful piece. It has such wonderful expressions. (I can't really pick out a favorite because they all contribute and build up the piece.) I find this calming and refreshing. I also like the flow, especially at the beginning. Keep up the lovely work! :)
thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 1/6/2010
There are both good things and bad things about this poem. First, you imagery is very good. It made me think of a person I knew, actually.

The first five lines were really good, but after that, it got a little bit weak, mostly because you only used one action verb in ten lines. Then, it picked back up again, and your vocab really started to flow.

Another thing that really would have helped your story is a little bit of deviation from the rhyme scheme. The constant line after line rhyme got a little bit too predictable, and it hurt your flow. I was the most bored of the rhyme scheme at the very end of the story, where your best writing was.

Also, I thought the word lynched was pretty out of place in a poem about fireflies, tall grass, and flitting prose, but that is your prerogative and not mine. :)

Thematically, it also would have helped the ending if you had made more references to water earlier in the poem. The drowning, much like the lynching, seems too violent for the tone of this poem.

So, that's all I've got. Not a bad poem at all, but there's always room for improvement! Keep writing!

thewhimsicalbard

(ps you made my favorites page because of the little message on your profile about reviews. I love that.)
HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 12/16/2009
This is sweet. Where you rhyme everything flows together perfectly, and the first 2 verses are really powerful.

On the other hand, you stop rhyming at some points, and the poem begins to sound forced. I also found it a little confusing. I know what you are trying to say, but the meaning just doesn't come across.
Seasons-Joy chapter 1 . 11/20/2009
I like how you wrote everything. As I read this, I can picture something really beautiful in my mind. I can picture two persons standing face to face at the center of the field with long grass and the fireflies everywhere... I like this a lot!

love lots!

Thanks for the review! :)
flies.like.decay chapter 1 . 11/4/2009
Wow. Well I would like to start with a tip (it’s ingenious; I read it in an artist’s biography): indirect rhyming. We read about it in English, but the teacher never bothers to tell you how less constricting it is. If you can rhyme picturesque/ duress, then by all means do it. Then you don’t have to spend all your time searching for an exact rhyme –a lot of times settling for less.

I’m going to guess that the sqigglies were there for indentation. I haven’t mastered that field, but if you press shiftenter while you’re typing you’ll be able to make separate stanzas.

I love the verses about the “gilded tome” because the whole time this relationship has involved fireflies, which are fleeting, but the tome eternalizes it. Very nice touch.

Don’t worry. It works out :)
aneko24 chapter 1 . 10/24/2009
More amazing work!

Just a couple comments...

1) What are the squigglies that I'm sure have a name but I just call them squigglies 'cause that's what they are, squiggly lines (that's ~, in case I'm being too vague/weird ;) ) for? (wow that was a run-on sentence. take two: what are the ~ designed to do?)

2) Most of the poem is written with a good flow, almost like a haiku in the respect that every line seems to have roughly the same amount of beats (-points to self- music nerd who thinks of poetry as in beats rather than syllables). Except there is just this one line that doesn't follow the rhythm and kind of breaks the smoothness of the piece:

"the long grass swayed with the sound of your voice,"

Part of it is from how that whole chunk of poem around it doesn't rhyme, but also part is from just it has more beats, three of which from articles/possessive adjective.

Maybe if you broke it up more, something like "the long grass swayed / with the melody of your voice" followed up by breaking up the next line to make it fit better?

3) I love, love, love the fourth part (counting ~ as dividers):

"The thoughts bewildering in their prose

flitted through mind, soul, and those

who denied it it's right to come out, be free,

were lynched, truly, so you see."

Absolutely beautiful! Wonderful writing!

4) Some of the lines are capitalized and some aren't, but it doesn't follow the sentences, nor is it just alternating. Is there a reason I'm missing behind that...?

5) (wow this is turning into a long review) I feel kind of bad commenting on something this small, but it's bugging me as I re-read the poem: "I had no fear" is set off from the other lines to put more emphasis on it, which it does. Except there isn't any punctuation, so when it continues to the next line the emphasis gets muddled. Maybe if it was "I had no fear; / No fear of that warm, gentle, unearthly tone {...}", or even just with a period rather than a semi-colon, it would stand out more.

6) You use articles almost all the way through, except in line 5: "embracing cool autumn air". It sounds good there, and I didn't even notice it until I was reading through again, in which case it sounds a bit strange because it doesn't have the article before "cool".

Well, that's significantly longer than any review I've ever written, with over 20 characters... O_O I feel like a liar at the beginning where I said "just a couple comments" although when I started writing the review I only had like two short comments...

Anyway, looking forward to more writing from you!