Reviews for Envy
deefective chapter 1 . 3/1/2010
Hmm, very interesting. On one hand I love the imagery in this. You did an amazing job of painting a picture and making it believable and eerie and depressing all at the same time. The first stanza read beautifully and I loved the fact that you took what could have been a very cliched idea but wrote it in such a way that the thought never entered my mind. On the other hand, I think what put me off a bit was the flow. It was very erratic but not in a rhythmic fashion, if that makes any sense. I felt like some parts of the piece ran longer in places than they should have and that you could have rearranged some things to make it flow better. But other than that, nicely done.
lipleaf chapter 1 . 2/5/2010
I like the obscurity of this piece. You always refer to a "they," but never explain who "they" are. It adds a mood of mystery. I also like the phrase "A broken floor of shame." It was very poetic and implies that the floor broke because it could not stand the weight of shame, and that the speaker feels as if the shame will break him/her as well.

I think you should add some punctuation here. Even if it's just a comma after each stanza, it would help with the flow. As it is, it seems like the speaker just lost his/her train of thought and trailed off. It feels unfinished.
jake Chan chapter 1 . 2/1/2010
This is absurdly heart-wrenching. It's short, but you paint such a wretched picture with your words, it's amazing. The topic is a well-worn one, but you were still able to write a uncliched short about envy and wanting to fit in.

"Envy burns your heart/To blackened ashes" Favorite line. But the rest of it is great too. I like at the end how the perfect people seemingly cannot exist wherever the envious person is... It creates a true feeling of imperfection and self-loathing.

Great job!
Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 11/3/2009
What I liked about this piece, and what I think is really interesting is you’ve managed to make the first two verses of each stanza very light, and hopeful, almost as if at the beginning of each section the narrator were exploring the ‘other people’ from a third person perspective. While the last two lines seem to darken the mood of the piece entirely. I don’t think I can remember a time when I saw that done so strikingly. Good job.

I feel like the piece as a whole, was very short to me, I think in this case length is not a bad thing. I feel like just when I was starting to grasp the overall picture you were describing, the poem ended before I had a chance to really initiate myself with it. I did enjoy you concluding verses though, so perhaps I just needed to see more weight in the middle section. Keep up the good work.

Much love,