Reviews for The Last
FoxyWriter chapter 1 . 7/12/2010
I feel really bad for taking forever and a day to look at your profile. Thanks for reviewing the poem that you did, I appreciate it :) And I'm glad I checked out your profile; this story sounds interesting. I'm curious about these energy sources and what Number 13 was created for.

There were a couple errors, but I think a reread would catch them easily (just a missing comma or two.) The thing that stood out to me most was after she broke from the cage, when you used parenthesis to describe how she did something as she did it. It disrupted the flow. I suggest finding another way to say what you wanted without having to use parenthesis. (Not that using them is wrong, but sometimes they disrupt when used during an action.)

Overall, really nice start. You have a nice writing style, very easy to read. Keep it up! :)
lijuan chapter 3 . 5/29/2010
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lijuan chapter 2 . 5/29/2010
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huimei chapter 1 . 5/29/2010
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elisefey chapter 1 . 12/30/2009
Okay, I'm adding this to my C2 because there's something intriguing about it that I can't quite put my finger on and I feel like that earns it a place.

Meanwhile, I have a few comments:

"Number 13 was suspended in some type of liquid" - the part "some type of" weakens this sentence, which I know you don't want to do because it's your opening sentence and your one shot to draw in the reader. If you just say "liquid" without specifying the kind of liquid, the sentence will be a lot stronger and the reader will just assume the "some type" part.

"She was aware of a device of some kind over her mouth and nose, feeding her air" - same goes for "of some kind" in this sentence. Actually, just take out any and all instances of "some kind" or "some type" (you've got a lot of them) and reread it, I bet you'll find the whole chapter feels a lot more powerful afterward.

"He gazed at her inside her cage and asked her to forgive him. She made a small nod then as well. He never looked directly at her again, always at the readings, as though ashamed of what Number 13 would see on his face. Or of what he would see on hers." - not a suggestion, I just really liked this part.

And I absolutely love the last line about the cleanest way to kill and they way you gave it a different formatting. Very cool.
mctacos96 chapter 1 . 11/25/2009
Amazing, electrifying story. You really should publish it!
Untitled chapter 2 . 10/31/2009
Hmm...interesting thus far. I love the lack of names :) Hope you decide to continue it!