|Reviews for Just Friends|
| vis verbi chapter 1 . 11/30/2012
I would like to tell you just how much I loved not only this poem, but you're profile and the rest of your stories. I agree that there should be a lot more guys writing mxm, but the girls can write it pretty well too! Anyways, I hope you don't mind me putting your story in my community, but I've been looking for something other than smut for a while and this was perfect.
Keep writing-Vis Verbi
| Dante's Disciple chapter 1 . 1/17/2010
Unrequited love is an awful feeling. This runs really well and has a quicky snappy pace that I like, it helps portray the frustration of the character, well done!
| Mieu-san chapter 1 . 11/3/2009
I so cannot guess who this is about! At all! Oh my god! You have a secret affair going on, don't you? I know it! Don't LIE TO ME!
I really like the play-on-words at the end. Play on words are always awesome. Very good indicators of intelligence and just, y'know, wit. Most people can't do them at all, and you executed yours pretty well. Bravo!
So, I'll just take this rhyme by rhyme 'cause, hey, poem.
To the first bit:
Kinda simplistic and kinda overdramatic. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but that's what it comes across as. Not just because of the playful vocabulary, but because the phrase itself is a little bit silly. If you like somebody so much, you shouldn't be complaining about getting to be around them and just take them how you can get them. Seriously. If he totally ditched you would that make you feel better?
I have a genuine soft spot in my heart for a bit of bitter angst, and you express it with the genius of years spent brooding over it. Uh... well done? The point comes across angry, cynical, and a bit self-hating. I think it's easily the most emotional part of this poem, and I like it quite a lot. Not that I want to see you suffer or anything. The writing's just good.
...Eh. Kinda runs like a generic fanfic, y'know? The first two parts were very expressionistic and this kind of jump feels out of place and vaguely obnoxious. It seems to have been written solely for the last line, which is never a good thing. If you're determined to spend a lot of time agonizing the descriptive features of your object of affection then you can get away with this. You aren't, so you can't. Shame on you.
And now you're a real boy again! Hooray! I prefer the first two lines, which stick very much to the gist of the poem and its atmosphere. I can see where you're going with the third line, although the way it's written fails to inspire any great awakenings, but the last line falls short. I get what you were trying to say, and it's a good message. But either the last line needs to be adjusted, or you need another stanza.
And the last bit ('cause I'm totally lumping it together):
Alright, I get what you're saying and it fits in with the theme. Kinda. Except the theme thus far has been lamenting the fact that you're not requited, and now it jumps a little bit to an ultimatum of being requited or not. You haven't exactly inspired any reason in the reader of WHY there would be hope. It's well written and I still love the play on words, but it's jumpy. Add some new stanzas or adjust the old ones so they flow better. Because technically poetry can be reviewed in a straight shot, but this one definitely required separate attention, if only because it seems to have been written separately, and more for the sake of the rhymes than the music of the words and their meanings.
Nevertheless, it's a good shot. I don't think poetry is your main focus in writing and you don't seem to have been doing it often. If you're starting out, keep going. You do emotions really well, you just need to work on flow and consistency. Like a thesis. Remember what your poem's about or forget about it entirely. You can always write one of those neat ADD things where you get a headache from trying to make sense of it and still come out enjoying yourself, or you can try to make it make sense. Personally, I think you're going for the making sense one.
JUST BECAUSE IT IS POETRY DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET TO SLACK OFF.
If you write more poetry more often than I think you do, see the above, and try to practice a little more. It's fun, right? _
And please don't say anything weird about my review...
| SilenceListensWell chapter 1 . 11/1/2009
um I dont review poetry too well but. *thumbs up*