Reviews for Guardian Rough Draft
Janette chen chapter 1 . 2/25/2012
I really like your story so far, there's a lot of action in every line, very captivating, you write like the classics that I like reading so much. Writers styles nowadays are so boring, I like how your stories really draw the reader in and the poems that you include gives the stories so much more to offer. Have you tried to market your stories and poems?
ar chapter 1 . 9/15/2010
nice
FractalCreation chapter 1 . 6/26/2010
You're an amazing writer, and your work is amazing. I love the writing... but only the writing. Your plot progresses far, far too fast, and you create redundant conflicts. I've read up to about Ch30, and while the concepts are amazing - they're good ideas, don't get me wrong! - you don't spend enough time developing them.

Take the first chapter. You introduce Will, his childhood friend Jenny, bring them both into high school together, and Jenny propositions him to become a couple within, what, a matter of hours? And right after the school day finishes, you send Will to Heaven.

This in itself is an entire story. It's a classic cliché, and that in itself just makes it that much harder to write for, because people have seen it over and over again. You definitely have the ability to weave your own cloth with this thread - I loved the passage where she propositioned him - but you're buying your cloth, you're not weaving it. Personally, I think that you would be much better just excluding the first chapter from the story - perhaps write it as a prequel? - since it just disrupts the theme of the story.

My point is that your plot has far, far too much to it. You're pretty much force-feeding the reader instant noodles straight out of the cup. It's dry, gritty, and beyond bland. After all, you create seraphs as this amazing class of characters, far beyond the soul that has just returned to Heaven - but in the span of what reads as less than a day, Will becomes a seraph. Then you have the time lapses - "Months passed and it was now December."

I don't mean to be a downer, but this is my honest and true opinion. You have a mine full of gold, but you're scooping up dirt and trying to sell it. It's just not working.

Also, just an idea - your story has a lot of time lapses, as I've already pointed out, but despite these, the plot builds wonderfully (at least, it has the potential to). One thing you can do is depict Will in the far, far future reflecting on all these events.

Just my thoughts. Hope I helped! :)
Breezewhispers chapter 59 . 6/15/2010
You delivered another exceptionally well-written chapter.

You put in the style and a balance elements that attract both genders.

The combat part of your story is appealing to boys.

The figurative style of writing you embedded randomly along with the way you created the character of beautiful goddess keep the girls tuning in.

I very much, like how you came up with the idea that good could not exist without evil because there was a need of balance.

When I read this part, it made me smile thinking how witty your idea was.

It reminded me of the prophecy in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter, “Neither can live while the other survives”.

In contrast to your idea, “Neither can live while the other perishes” XD

Great piece of work!
Breezewhispers chapter 58 . 5/12/2010
I am awestruck by your spellbinding plot in this chapter.

You successfully captured the emotional gripping sense in the part where Will was forced to kill his endearing friend.

The suspense you created when the protagonist’s eyes were blinded was short lived but well executed.

I love how you incorporated the myth of a cat having nine lives with your fusion story line.

You certainly finished this chapter with an alarming end by creating that, all hope was lost sensation the way JK Rowling did at the end of The Half Blood Prince.

The ideas of the story in this chapter were so well organized and developed, that after finished reading it, I wanted to reread it.

As a writer, you made your mark with this chapter.
Breezewhispers chapter 57 . 5/5/2010
OMG, you wrote extremely well, it seemed so real. After reading it, I want to warp my way out of my three upcoming exams and use the spells for my tests XD
Guardian's Forum chapter 54 . 5/5/2010
RG: damnit now tan is evil too? lol :P i think there should be another general named jason :D

Author: Hehehe or maybe the Devi's real name is Jason XD

ID: I'm pretty sure its Lucifer

Author: Lucifer, Satan, the Devil... he's got a lot of names

ID: DUH, DEVIL CREATED MONSTERS!

Author: Not in my story he did not :O He created shadows. Shadows that possess people. And make them do bad stuffs :P

RG: WRITE MORE

Author: I know I want to write SO BADLY but Whap has me pinned down pretty badly. And right at the climax too! :O I'll definitely write over the weekends and I'll try to write during the weekdays :P
Guardian's Forum chapter 54 . 5/5/2010
ID: haha its funny i have this knife set with a dragons head on the handles its pretty sick , if jason is correct i should hold them to gether and roar and a dragon'll come out

RG: GO DO IT ;D

ID: haha its damn cold to get them, theyre in the garage! which isnt connected to the house!

Author: Pssh. You wish you could do that Izzy.
Guardian's Forum chapter 57 . 5/5/2010
Author: What did you think of the epic battle?

RG: it was pretty good xD. i was like GOD DAMNIT WHY WONT YOU DIE JANUS.
Guardian's Forum chapter 57 . 5/5/2010
RG(reader): btw what happened to like, the entire terrorist story?

Author: It will resurface. The reason the terrorist story faded was because during Will's last dream, God healed him personally. But God's magic was so strong that there were actually side effects, mainly, Will couldn't dream anymore for a few weeks. During those few week,s Will stopped sleeping so... Will doesn't dream anymore D But the story will resurface in the last year :P
Guargian's Forum chapter 57 . 5/5/2010
AY: Yes, it was brilliantly written. It's a must to read story.

MD: Yea, it is! This is really great because of its creativity with references and also amazing that someone I know wrote it!

AY: I really want to rob him off his remarkable story and poetry writing skill.

MD: Yea, me too. Jason has very creative and original materials...see that in WHAP everyday XD He also makes WHAP fun too. The jokes he makes...LOL XD
Guardian's Forum chapter 57 . 5/5/2010
AY(reader): What do you think of chapter 55-57?

MD(reader): Wow...the story is amazing! It's really addicting and creative! It's like a story mixed with mythology and little hints of different references like Harry Potter (I think, because of the warping and everything...hmm...and a little Santa Claus...with Gaea and Father Sky). All in all, I love it! Now, gonna start reading from chapter 1 XD
WhistlingintheWind chapter 8 . 5/4/2010
This chapter is ridiculously funny to read, as Will was fumbling for an excuse to save his soul from being put to hell. Aww... he was so innocent.
WhistlingintheWind chapter 7 . 5/4/2010
The most heart wrenching chapter to read, as William had to watch his loved ones mourning for his own death.

It was so sweet that he chose to have his last words with Jenny. Will those last words bond them together forever?
Breezewhispers chapter 6 . 5/3/2010
AH, how could Will be murdered? He was so easy to like, and so very sweet. It was so sad to read this part ):
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