|Reviews for The Blue Girl|
| May Elizabeth chapter 1 . 1/1/2010
I think the epilogue should be included. I think this story has potential. Keep writing.
| Tawny Owl chapter 1 . 12/13/2009
I loved the way you dealt with the cliché of the dark and stormy night. You didn’t tell us about the wind and the rain but focused on the annoyance of have your window screen all hurfed up (that is a technical term by the way). It made it much more real and easy to identify with. The problem does seem to disappear after Laurel gets into the car though. It seems to disappear. Does he turn the car heating up for her? Does the car even have heating? We don’t get to learn much about it, and it would have given extra depth to the dialogue.
I enjoyed the description of Laurel like the frightened fawn and the deer in the headlights, and the way her appearance changes when she smiles. She seems very sweet and innocent. I wasn’t really creeped out or scared by this, but I was left feeling incredibly curious. Not just about Laurel’s ability to disappear but still ruin a guy’s seat, but about Ethan as well. It could stand alone as a short story, but there are lots of stories about phantom hitchhikers out there, so if you have more information about how and why Laurel’s doomed to be picked up by random people for all eternity it would help to make this one stand out more. I’d like to see more.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 11/27/2009
Wow, spooktacular! You handled dialogue really, really well and I really loved the sprinkle of descriptions you use to create a vivid setting. It gave me chills and worked as an excellent short story. I kind of like the prolonged ending, but I can see why the first option is important. Very polished, I was totally enthralled.
| The Lucy Program chapter 1 . 11/27/2009
This was very good! Your pace and progression was nice and steady, not too slow and not too fast. I liked your characterization. In just a short little one-shot we get really into the characters of both Ethan and Laurel. Your ending was also very nicely done. I don't think there's any need for a different ending or an epilogue. Nice work. :]
| Jai Akari chapter 1 . 11/5/2009
Very well written. Very descriptive. A different kind of Resurrection Mary. The extended ending was a good idea. It puts everything into perspective.
| Broken-Angel-1994 chapter 1 . 11/5/2009
SWEET! I loved this! Wow, that was awesome. It was very detailed. I think you should describe Ethan. You spent all that time describing Laurel, but you didn't say anything about his apearance. My favorite part was the way you made it all make sense in the end. Once again, it was amazing!
| WutNow chapter 1 . 11/5/2009
Hello there. I would be more than happy to give your story a review. In return, I hope you review my stories back . That's how the reviewing game works lol.
First of all I wanted to say that your efforts of editing are well seen. The description in the story was very vivid, so much so that I felt as if I was reading a true novel. You should be very proud of yourself. I'm usually a fan of on-going stories (chapter stories) so this is my first one-shot that i've read (i think). Overall, I thought you did famously. I really enjoyed the story. However, to be brutally honest, the story was predictable. Nonetheless, it was a great read. It would have been nice if you described Ethan's apperance. I don't think his last name is important though, just his first.
Here are a few things that i thought you can improve on:
"He had not expected her to move so quickly after her first shows of timidity" - instead of "shows of timidity" maybe replacing it with "shy demeanor" would be better. That was a mouthful for me to say and it seemed kinda forced when you wrote it, but yeah, just stating my opinion.
"...rain was pouring so hard that his windshield seemed to be made up entirely of layers of streaming rivulets of water."- remove "layers." I think you've stressed enough that it was raining really hard .
"...the girl breathed, so quietly that at first Ethan didn’t notice she had finally spoken." - beautiful description in on itself but I think you could have rearranged it differently. maybe saying "so quiently that Ethan didn't notice when she finally spoke" or something like that.
"A guy like him couldn’t have much time for girls like me. But on Friday, he finally asked me out!”- she's a timid girl, remember? Try to get rid of the exclamation point in the end. I can't imagine her yelling it out like that."
As for the epilogue, I personally think it should be removed. He got in a hotel and acted like nothing happened? That's very odd concerning the fact that the girl was a ghost haha. I would have shyt bricks if I saw a ghost lol.
Overall, you did a fantastic job!
P.S- please review my story Heart to Heart! I would love to hear from you!