|Reviews for Percocet|
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/9/2009
Between the two options of poems you gave on EF on the RG I found this one to catch my immediate attention with the very first line "I'm dying"-strong statement, you've got my attention.
"My heart beat slams into the windshield of my chest" love this metaphor because it not only invokes the sound of a frantic heartbeat but also the image of being "seen through" which I think many can relate with, thinking of it as a windshield and with use of the word "slam" it also instantly gives the poem an even more sad tone.
"Life gurgling"-nice word choice, "gurgling" isn't used too often but it definitely has such a raw sound to it, the word kind of says the sound itself, I like words like that when dealing with poetry.
I like the stumbling on the word "ba-by-" because of the stunning word play, it says 'baby' as a term of endurance and also "buh-bye!' which is of course the act of leaving-that's really brilliant right there!
You ended it well but I feel like the poem could have also ended with the second stanza. However, bringing in the image of the mother and juxtaposed also with the word 'baby' adds an interesting twist. I found the poem very clever!
| Icyfire4w5 chapter 1 . 12/8/2009
Um, I love this poem because it's song-like and it flows really well. My fav imagery? "My heart beat slams into the windshield of my chest..."
| HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 12/3/2009
The metaphores you used here were very well written and set out. They really pulled me into the poem and showed me what was happening. I also liked the fact that this can be compared to real life so readily.
"You've never failed to have the worst of intention"
I loved this line. not sure why, but it was really good.
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 11/14/2009
Frick. I keep pressing the wrong button when I go to review. Ah well, apologies.
Now, depth review.
First, I want to look at your imagery because while some of it is brilliant and very creative, some just doesn't work. For instance, "the windshield of my chest" is fabulous and one of those I wish I'd come up with it kinda lines. However, "morsel of eternity" feels like a let down after that. It's hard to see something so abstract and huge as eternity be taken down to a "morsel". While the play between huge and minuscule may be what you were aiming for, the image is jarring and confusing instead of inspired - at least in my opinion.
Secondly, cliche. There's not a lot in here that verges on that but the line "You've never failed to have the worst of intentions" feels like a tired rehashing of the same old idea. And set smack dab in the middle of otherwise interesting phrasing, it's a bit disappointing.
In terms of technicalities, this could do with proper punctuation and capitalisation. For example, I feel like there should be a period at the end of the second line of the second stanza. Periods should go at the end of each stanza and capitals are only for the beginnings of sentences, etc. I'd recommend going over this and fixing that - it's simple but it makes a huge difference in the overall read.
In terms of line breaks and structure, I think most of what you've done lends itself to the overall read but there are a few lines I think could be cut in half as some of the longer lines throw off the rhythm. Those would be "You've never failed..." and "as you circle that sweet poison..." at "to have/the worst" and "sweet poison/'round the" respectively.
Finally, while some of the repetition works ("once before/or twice before/or thrice before" is particularly well done), I'm not a fan of the simple repetition of "more" on the third line of the second stanza. Add in the parentheses and italics and it just feels overwrought and pointless.
Overall though I liked the feeling of addiction you convey here and the creative imagery you've utilised. Nicely done.
| FaithMemory chapter 1 . 11/11/2009
I think it is really difficult to pick my favorite line here. I mean every line owns a really deep meaning and they are written really well. But I had to pick "My heart beat slams into the windshield of my chest" as my favorite line. When I first read this I was like wow-windshield of my chest. Very original and I love it. Amazing! to my favorites
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 11/8/2009
You have some really captivating images/verses in this. “Windsheild of my chest” probably being my favorite. It makes me think of the body as a large window. Or one of those houses with nothing but windows on one side. The usual metaphor is the eyes being the windows of the soul, but I like how you played with the notion in this, and turned it on it’s head. You have a way of doing that in your poetry. Your style sounds so young which is refreshing, and usually works with your subject matter. I also liked “Star cross’d life” and your use of “Thrice” because hardly anyone uses that word anymore.
I think what I didn’t so much like is your use of things like “more/more” “oh, ba-by.” I think if this were spoken word poetry, and read out loud it would really have a strong effect of what you’ve done here, but in just a reading form it kind of tripped me up a bit when reading. But having said that I don’t usually like that thing so it might just be me.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem, like I said above it’s filled with captivating notions and emotions. Keep up the good work.
| Isca chapter 1 . 11/7/2009
Okay, seriously, "my heart beat slams into the windshield of my chest," is one of those lines that's so simple, it leaves the reader wondering why they didn't think of something like that before, and yet it's so very, very, very profound as well. :)
You get bonus points in my books for using the word "thrice" in a poem. 1 for Dee.
| MarkMonosyllabic chapter 1 . 11/7/2009
To start off, the flow of this poem was incredibly interesting. At times the rapid variation in cadence was a little jarring, but parts like once, twice, thrice before really added a good syncopation to the rhythm of the poem. That made it an enjoyable read that certainly wasn't monotonous.
It seemed that there was some rhyme at points, like between more and before, which was nice, especially since it didn't always fall at the end of lines. It would have been nice to have a little more, though. Remember, you don't have to be tied down by rhyme (it doesn't have to be exact rhyme, always at the end of lines, etc.), but trying to throw some in always makes poems read a little more pleasantly.
That being said, I really did enjoy the way you used word choice in this poem. The imagery you created, and the way in which you played with cliched phrases in interesting new ways ("for better or for worse" particularly) gave a very cool, sophisticated feel to the work.
Just in general, the first line is a great starter, an attention grabber, and it certainly set the mood for the rest of the poem. As well, your interesting typography is a nice addition, the hyphens, parentheticals, use of italics all serve to give special emphasis to certain words in different ways, which I like. Over all, this poem was great, a good read, and full of emotion.
| renascentia chapter 1 . 11/6/2009
I liked the the parenthetical "more" since it adds an element of sincerity and emphasis.
However, I disliked the "twice and thrice before" lines because they seem redundant and the identical rhyme is wearying.
Keep at it though- some interesting images here.