|Reviews for Fancy Seeing You Here|
| Artume chapter 1 . 3/26/2010
Interesting characters. Though it seems more of an extract or something, the characters are likeable and FUN. Good job!
| fudgyvmp chapter 1 . 1/2/2010
Few mistakes, you messed up a gerund phrase or is it a participle(?) either way you said 'Til burst out laughter," it really ought to be "Til burst out laughing," which is more idiomatic. Also, "blasé" seems a bit out of place, but it is French, and you are Canadian, so maybe you use the word more, I do not know; I just know I do not hear it used often by teenagers.
Grammar kind of went down in the last paragraph, "to tell the truth" is more idiomatic, thought “telling the truth” is not wrong at all; I actually like it more that way. Also you say "just before this freezing October, where I met someone” that doesn't fit properly you should have said, "when I met someone" since when signifies a time or date and where a place.
The story seems rather funny so far, the last bit that was all the narrator thinking had me get interested in what happened to her.
| aneko24 chapter 4 . 12/3/2009
YAY! You didn't die! I was getting rather worried... (which means that you are so forgiven! .)
Although, I have to admit... my teachers have all been on a mission to make us wish we were dead... key how I'm reviewing, what, an hour after you posted, when I saw the email 10 minutes after you posting? Yeah, any earlier this week and I probably wouldn't have been able to do a whole lot of anything until now.
Of course, I am grateful that the homework load has lightened since my history teacher has been out. I actually got on at all today. YAY!
Actual review time!
Pine-nut cheesecake? With cream...? For breakfast?
That sounds good... weird... but good...
Canadian thing, maybe?
(-says the dense-feeling American)
XD I love the French flight attendant... poor Isaac, though . I can't imagine any relationship with an older French woman who he'll probably never see again going well _
" “Oh, no, she’s not my girlfriend, in fact I’m completely available, you see I do usually have a lot of girls chasing after me for my affections but I have kindly let them down so that I can save my love for just the right woman…” He trailed off, eyeing her flirtatiously. "
" “Ellie. Connor. Elizabeth and Connor. Connor and Elizabeth.” She said, trying out different inflections. “Connor and Elizabeth,” She repeated and bit her lip, still grinning. “I like the sound of that.” "
Wait, what? Harriet knows? O.o But... but... Ellie just told Til in chapter two! And if Til didn't know, how did Harriet know?
I is confuzzled -.-'
" “Girls gossiping about guys – okay, I can handle that. But Ellie and Harriet? No, doesn’t make much sense.”
“Hey!” Harriet yelped in objection to his statement. Isaac, realizing what he just said, hurried to make amends.
“Not that you’re not girls, I mean it’s just that you don’t seem all too preoccupied with guys which is a good thing [...]
“It’s fine. We don’t care. You’re not in any… mortal danger.” I told him carefully. I removed my hand. "
XD Excellent bit of writing, you're very good at getting an actual personality.
Unlike the published, bestselling book I'm currently reading -cough-Hunted-cough-P. -cough-cough-
"As the girl turned, her silky jet hair flipped over her shoulder, revealing porcelain Asian features. Ah. A new chorister."
Wait, so they do know who all of the new choristers are? Or at least what they look like? Or was it only them on the flight?
Ok, I'm going to resist the urge to put in two more sections just 'cause they're good. That would take up a lot of space... and then make my review look even more ridiculously long.
But I do have another actual comment:
The first half of the second part is kind of awkward. It's not very clear exactly what all is happening... which reminds me of the issue at the beginning of chapter two.
Anyway, that's all.
Did I mention that the entirety of your chapter is in bold?
... yeah, that might be something that needs to be fixed...
OH! And do you know if it sends you an email when somebody does the docx-connection-start-thingamee? -hinthinthint- -
STAY FUNKY & DFTBA!
| Mort De Rire chapter 3 . 11/20/2009
Good development of the story. You gave the reader more depth as to Ellie and Connor's background and such. I guess what I was trying to ask in my last review were questions regarding Ellie's background. Such as what kinds of music she likes or what more can you tell us about her relationships with her friends. I felt the description of why they were on the plane was a bit vague, though you'll probably explain later. I'm really looking forward to hearing more about her history with Connor!
| aneko24 chapter 3 . 11/18/2009
Clearly the best chapter thus far! (hm... 'thus far' needs to be one word. 'thus-far' or something.)
Your beginning was a bit rough, but it got much more natural and smooth as it went along.
I can't help thinking that this part...
" "Oh, no, I can wear it." He pulled the shirt over his head with some difficulty. Every square millimetre of the fabric clung to his skin, shaped to his body - highlighting in bright, fluorescent blue, the ripples of muscle on his stomach and the wiry muscles in his shoulder. I stared unabashedly for a moment. He was shirtless often - at times between changing and donning a lifejacket - but I had learned to keep my eyes on his face, which, with it's light half-African tone and the half-English jawline, was no less ogle-worthy. But painting neon blue arrow-signs pointing to it was just plain old cheating. With some difficulty, I controlled my expression, forcing it into a smirk. Thankfully, he was too busy arranging the soaking cloth around himself to notice my brief, inner war. He looked at me. "See. Wearing it." "
...was a little over-done in the description portion. And the staring portion. But I dunno. -shrug- It might just be me, and it's not like, offensively much or something (have read that... -wince-).
" I turned around and faced him, a false-but-convincing mask of solemnity on my face. "Yes, yes I am." I said gravely. "What would you like? Polka-dot or plaid? Push-up or sport? I've got a whole arsenal of bras in here. This is a serious matter. One should not take it lightly." I began to get frenzied. "LIFE OR DEATH, MAN, LIFE OR DEATH!LACE OR BOWS, MAN, RHINESTONES OR FRILLS?"
His face mimicked mine. His eyes hardened, his lips were set in a decisive manner. "I feel... we must choose the push-up with the bows and frills." "
Was positively in stitches after that... XD
I feel sorry for my one friend who was on gTalk at the time... he was not as amused _
A couple of truly excellent lines in there... like, just quote-worthy pieces of literature. My favourites:
"Imagination is simply twisted memories."
"(all the better to smell you with, my dear)"
"As I slept, I dreamed, allowing pieces of fiction coiled with fact to float in and out of the white and blue window."
Wait. Is that supposed to be "to collide", not "coiled"?
Over-all, very very very well done. My review feels short, but I honestly don't have anything else to play editor for...
'Twas very well connected to everything else. Flowed with the plot nicely. Good job with that _
PS. I love your little section-breaks. * ... I've been playing around with different arrangements of characters to break up sections before, and I might just have to adopt something like that... _ don't worry, I'll change it slightly before using it.
| Mort De Rire chapter 2 . 11/16/2009
Sounds great! I really like how well you portray her personality and such, though I really do not know much about her. Maybe my questions will all be answered in later chapters...question: est-ce que tu habites a la france?
| aneko24 chapter 2 . 11/14/2009
I said I would review today, so I am!
... Ok, ok, you're always asking for negative reviews, so while I feel really guilty I'll oblige just to say...
How much time did you spend editing?
Not. Enough. -.- You're missing quotation marks in places and have some of the ' "[...]." Said -name-. ' dialogue errors. The beginning of the fourth paragraph is almost impossible to understand from all of the missing quotation marks.
Wow, that was difficult. -.-' -whining- Negative reviews are hard for your writing! .
I'm not going to go through and comment on all of the punctuation/dialogue/&c. errors, there are enough that you might should just go through and fix them yourself. Keep in mind, I'm not going to comment on them because I've got enough faith in your ability to edit a piece for errors that you can do that _
Other stuff now...
" A second later, Harriet's delighted, surprised laugh came, followed by a surprised, "Metal!" "
LOTS of commas in that sentence. How's "A second later, Harriet's surprised and delighted laugh came, with it an equally surprised call of "Metal!" "
Ok, something other that the word "call" there, but you get the picture...
You use a lot of semicolons in this chapter, more so than the last I think. Was that on purpose...? It might be better if you changed some of them to have a comma and conjunction.
You take a very long time to explain that Ellie's going to be telling Til about Conner. Adding more of Ellie being uncertain at the beginning about what she was going to say would probably be helpful.
" "Lots of people didn't eat yet. Plus, this airline always has food ready." She grinned. What a pig this girl was!"
She winked. "It's all in the metabolism, sweetie." She then resumed shoving food down her gullet. I feared for her figure.
I kicked myself. [...]"
This part is rather awkwardly stated... rather like you'd had it be thoughts, then changed it to dialogue but didn't remember to fix the first part...?
" "What a Wonderful World, for sure." I grinned. It was a bit of an inside joke for us.
"Don't know much about the middle ages?" Til asked.
"Looked at the pictures and I turned the pages." I replied cheerfully - the song had the most 'Wonderful', ridiculous lyrics ever. You've got to love Art Garfunkel. "
Ok, I'll admit to having to go and look up the lyrics... the only 'What A Wonderful World' I knew was the Louis Armstrong one.
It's not exactly clear that you're quoting the song... try using either '[...]' around the lyrics or italics, especially if you're going to be doing it more throughout the story.
Overall, very good... just needs more editing. Much more.
If you don't want to, I can edit- I'll give you an email address to use as Betareaders is down/haven't had account long enough to use it. If you've got a gMail account, gDocs would work pretty well...
And gMail is just amazing anyway -shrug- As is Wave... -trails off into thought-
Stay Funky and DFTBA!
| aneko24 chapter 1 . 11/13/2009
OH MY GOODNESS it has been like, seven days, A WEEK, and I haven't submitted my review yet!
SO SORRY! -.-'
Going through and commenting now...
"[...] my feet in Til's lap, sheathed by deep blue jeans."
Ellie's or Til's? 'Cause Ellie's feet would have shoes on them, not jeans, but you'd need to say Til if you're switching who you're describing.
Love the use of 'sheathed' though .
" “What time is it?” She held up her bare wrists in response.
"About two hours. It’s nine o’clock now.” "
That's an awfully long time between the question and the answer in there. Dunno exactly how to fix it so that the descriptions of Harriet and Isaac are somewhere else... but it is rather long. May help if Ellie were ahead and asked the question, instead of asking how long she'd slept first, for consistency's sake.
Also, consistency thing- you introduce Til first as "the girl beside me", while as Harriet has a name from the get-go. It's nothing, really, but I notice weird stuff like that...
Oh my goodness, I just got the email for chapter II. Now you've made me feel REALLY guilty -.-'
""Right." I, however, was not as good natured. "Shh." I cautioned her. I snuck over Til and landed lightly on the carpeted floor. I tiptoed over his large feet and came to rest at the corner of his chair. He had orange juice on his airplane tray. His head was angled upward, his chin higher than the rest of his face. His angular features showed no unrest as he slept on. I picked up his hat, and shielded Harriet's shoulder with it. I then lightly picked up his cup, held it over his nose, and tipped..."
Ok. You start every sentence in this paragraph (not counting dialogue) with either "I" or "He/His". This is bad. Maybe try...
"Right." I, however, was not as good natured. "Shh," I cautioned her. I snuck over Til and landed lightly on the carpeted floor, before tiptoeing over his large feet and coming to rest at the corner of his chair. He had an orange juice on his airplane tray. His head was angled upward, his chin higher than the rest of his face, angular features showed no unrest as he slept on. I picked up his hat, and shielded Harriet's shoulder with it. I then lightly picked up his cup, held it over his nose, and tipped..."
I also changed just "had orange juice" to "had an orange juice". "had orange juice on his airplane tray" makes it sound like like it's already spilled.
"As a different attendant came by with beverages and I ordered a cold water, I thought back to my summer vacation this year, just before this freezing October, where I met someone whom I actually did think of that way. I met him in August, in the summer camp where did my summer job. He taught kayaking with me. His name was Connor, and he was special."
This isn't supposed to be in italics, is it...? At first glance, it just looked like a lot of italics... but it's just a formatting error, so ok. -peaceful expression-
Wow, critical review was hard. I LOVE it! So much that I actually finished this review before even reading the next chapter so I can review chapter TWO as well!
Maybe today... Maybe tomorrow... More likely tomorrow... -.-'
And is BetaReaders broken for you too? I can't get it to load for you to beta for me! . and I've been trying it since Halloween...
STAY FUNKY & DFTBA! _