|Reviews for No comment|
| eiyuang999 chapter 1 . 5/23/2010
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| Pandora's Flight chapter 1 . 11/29/2009
[Characters] - Even though Vani was mute, I felt like you built up her character very well. Her backstory wasn't overbearing and kept my attention; the transition between backstory and present tense flowed nicely as well :)
[Ending] I thought your ending with "Teach me how to write." was very powerful and tied the story back to the prompt. Good job!
[Dialogue] - Very interesting! Vani's pursuer's accent definitely added to the story and the setting.
[Writing] - I think the style of your writing is another aspect of the story that added to the setting. You seemed to have done your research on Vani's culture, and you had a really distinct diction that I really enjoyed ] Keep up the good work. Congratulations on winning the WCC!
| no.peace.los.angeles chapter 1 . 11/26/2009
Oh, goodness. The end of this just broke my heart. I can't even imagine having to go through that. Gah. Lovely piece. I started out not knowing what to expect, but then got progressively more drawn into the story as it went on.
I thought your writing really brought the piece to life; it was vivid and full of color, and I loved that you used all the senses, because that can really put someone into a scene. And I liked that you didn't try to prove your intelligence by using "big" words; sometimes just being thoughtful with your word choice is enough, and the figurative language you used proved that (e.g. "the walls were always as crispy white as the sheets, and the streets outside straight and clean as clean too.")
I loved the dialogue. At first, I was like, "Ooh, not sure," but once I saw that it was meant to be an Indian man speaking English, which wasn't his first language, it definitely worked for me. And the mother's voice seemed very appropriate, too, very much how I would picture an Indian woman.
Also, I have to say that the general idea of the piece is very original. It's not often that I read something taking place in India (and then in Germany, of all places) and to have the main character with this major deformity/disability makes for a really interesting story. It definitely makes her more of a "real" character, because real people have flaws, and more people can relate to her and therefore to the story because of her flaws.
Overall, a very nice entry, and a deserved win. :) Keep writing! :)
| Eponine254 chapter 1 . 11/24/2009
Congrats on winning the WCC! You definitely deserved it.
The opening is very effective. Starting with the young man's voice gives the piece life right from the start, and it draws the reader in. Her response adds interest - it made me wonder why she was ignoring him and made me want to find out what was happening.
The characters were subtly but effectively developed. I think you gave just enough insight into the narrator's background to give a sense of who she is, and the young man's voice gives a very good picture of his character, or at least of his eagerness.
The only part that I didn't really like was:
"Not since she’d been three, since the accident between her, her father, and the bottle of acid."
The tone seemed out of keeping with that of the rest of the story, and it feels a little clumsy. I think it could possibly fit in more smoothly if you didn't give so many details in this sentence. Something like "Not since she'd been three. Not since the accident." could perhaps work, with the details introduced later in the paragraph.
The ending was beautiful and moving. I love how you emphasise the importance of the incident by making it clear that this one occasion is what triggers her desire to learn to write. Her frustration is very clear, and her resolution equally so.
I loved this piece. Very well done!
| fatbird33 chapter 1 . 11/22/2009
hey! congrats on winning the WCC! Here's your shiny review:)
question about the second sentence:
" The young man’s shirt shined white despite the open sewer running down the centre of the street" what does this man's shirt and the open sewer have anything to do with each other. i just don't see how the two are related.
"He reminded her of the high white clouds that promised monsoon, months before it ever came, and drifted on without once soiling their feet near the earth." fantastic descriptions and comparison!
"“Hey, you’re name is Vani, isn’t it?” the men went on," it should be man
oh wow. wasn't expecting that ending. yay surprise ending are always the best:)
my only complaint was that it got a little long at points when you were explaining her history. but good descritions. I liked the cultural aspect of it was well. Good job
| Aqua-eagle Sunshine chapter 1 . 11/19/2009
I think the opening is very effective because you can see the uniqueness of the story almost straight away and that makes it one of the reasons to carry on reading.
The imagery is good, and your description of their actions helps to buld a picture in the reader's head, "He swerved around dogs and children" and "his feet dodged rotting waste" I could imagine these scenes in my head easily, almost automatically.
Though there was alot of things unresolved, like who the man was, why exactly he was following her, and alot of things were unclear i still felt satisfied by the ending. I think this is because there was a bigger picture about being unable to say what's on your mind and in your heart and the rest was just details.
"Teach me how to write" I think this to some extent summed up the story because it showed her frustration with herself and what has happened to her. All in all I like your interpretation of the prompt because as i said before it was orginal but still kept the essence of the promt. The idea was intresting and executed well.
Congrats on winning :)
| Elennar chapter 1 . 11/15/2009
Gr...I had a well though out, coherent review for this; but the ONE time I forgot to place a long review onto my clipboard, FP had to go and fuck up. I hate Murphy's Law.
Anyway, let me see if I can remember all of the things that I said the first time around.
OK, first of all, let me tell you that you have a really WONDERFUL piece here, that ties in with the prompt you got extremely well. On that note, let me also give you an honest opinion- I think this particular story is best left to end where it is right now. The ending that you have here is very nice and...mature, I guess. However, whether or not you actually extend this will be your call ultimately; so feel free to ignore this.
Hmm, now onto the request you originally wrote to me with:
In order to properly answer you, I'll have to know a few things (I could be getting anal about this. If that's the case, please say so. :P)
A)What is vani's and the boy's approximate demographic? Lower middle class, or lower? Urban, suburban or rural? I'm asking because the hindi used varies a lot here with demographics.
B) They're both approximately 20 something, right?
C)Where do they live? As in, which part of India? If you're not sure, you said you're grandpa grew up here, right? Where did he grow up, I'm sure we could work with that place.
D)Vani is completely of Indian descent, isn't she? In that case, the boy will probably start the conversation in Hindi; and then may/may not switch to english upon not getting a response. How correct his english will be, would depend on his demographic. So, if you want, I could write out a few sentences in Hindi.
A few more suggestions:
Oh, I see you've said Rajapore here. That kind of a name is usually prevalent in Northern and western India; even Central India. However, you may want to change Rajapore to Rajapur. The spelling you've used was mostly prevalent during the British Rule, and has since been abandoned for the more natural phonetic version- contrast 'Cawnpore' (the british spelling) with 'Kanpur' (the current Indian spelling).
About the part where you say, "radios blaring shrill distorted keening to the rhythm of the tabla drums". It's more likely to be the latest Bollywood song. :D
About the mother's dialogue, there's something about the part, "..don't be so damn blasphemous." which doesn't sit too well with me. A pious person isn't very likely to swear like that.
Also, you could begin her admonish with something like, "Beti! Don't blaspheme!..."
Italicize the 'beti' because it's hindi for daughter.
Again, I think it should be 'Mrityunjaya'/'Mrityunjay' (A native speaker will say the latter, although the former is the traditional English version.)
The word comes from 'Mrityu' death 'Jaya'conqueror. It means, 'death conqueror'. There are supposed to be numerous mantras dedicated to this form of Shiv, called the 'Mrityunjay Mantra'..but that's totally off topic. Sorry!
Well, that's pretty much it for now. Hope this was helpful!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 11/11/2009
Characters- Your characters, especially Vani, were easy to sympathize with. I also really liked how unique she was, being torn between two countries-out of all the stories I've read so far for this prompt, yours is definitely the most creative and has the best character development.
Relationships- The relationships were well polished and developed in this short piece, for a short story, you really created a believable atmosphere for the different characters. Vani's relationship with those around her was believable and full of depth, and I especially loved her interaction at the beginning of the short story. I also liked that the relationships were more so with two countries, rather than different people.
Pace- For a short story your pace went really well. You carefully crafted the beginning to catch attention and when things slowed down during the explanation of the past and her relationship with her countries, it immediately sped up again when Vani came to her conclusion about writing.
Enjoyment- Again, I really think this story is one of the more creative I've run across for this month's prompt. Your story was mature and polished and I saw no grammar/spelling mistakes, which means it was also well edited. I really enjoyed your story because of it's maturity and creative edge, it was a great read, so thanks!
| xenolith chapter 1 . 11/9/2009
Oi, that gave me goosebumps. It was so beautiful and sad. I was completely caught up in her story, the smells and the surroundings and the memories and the emotion and everything, that when it came to an end it all just kinda blew me away. So, so sad. And the fact that you put so much detail into it, and that it's in such an awesome setting, brilliant, just brilliant. I liked the way it tied into the prompt as well, I totally get that. She had soo much to say it was agonizing. My favourite line (among many) was this one: 'The words were bursting from her but imprisoned within, the chasm of her ruined voice box unspannable.'
Very well done. Good luck!
| Michael Howard chapter 1 . 11/9/2009
This was a compelling, authentic introduction to a "mixed up" young woman who suddenly comes to view her world (and her future) as both less predictable and less forbidding.
Any chance for a second piece about her?
| Lea Ai chapter 1 . 11/8/2009
This is a wonderful piece. Vani's life is so heart-breaking! I loved how the boy chased her, but it left me wondering how he would react to seeing her scars. I know you marked this as complete, but I could easily see this growing into a full-blown novel. I want to know more about Vani's life. How does writing change her? Does she ever meet up with that boy again? Does she ever seek revenge on her father? Does she become a member of the sister-jis? So much left to tell! I do hope you decide to develop this further on down the line. If so, please let me know so I can put it on my alerts!
Good luck with WCC!
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 11/8/2009
I enjoyed your idea here. Although this was a short piece, I got to know the character very well and could truly feel for her. Good work tying it into the prompt. ;) And good luck this month in WCC!
| Narq chapter 1 . 11/6/2009
Aw~ thank you! (I'm the first reviewer!)
Just to tell you, your link didn't work out.
:shiver: this still made me shudder. It's wonderful!