|Reviews for Sweet Poison|
| JamiAlexandra7 chapter 8 . 8/14/2010
I'm loving this story :) Does Carlos still have feelings for Macy? They'd be a cute couple.
| JamiAlexandra7 chapter 7 . 8/14/2010
Oh no, is he suicidal? That's really sad. Haha, he's falling for Macy as fast as she's falling for him.
| JamiAlexandra7 chapter 6 . 8/14/2010
Offering to let him stay in her tree fort. Brilliant :) I knew she was falling for him. Delilah's very cool, a very well-written character. I'm glad Macy dropped Jason, but her poor mother. Oh well.
| JamiAlexandra7 chapter 4 . 8/14/2010
Poor Macy, she doesn't want anything to do with that guy, she's starting to fall for Blaire :) Justin seems normal, I guess, if pushy, forward, and full of himself...
| JamiAlexandra7 chapter 3 . 8/14/2010
Poor Blaire, he was really upset. Hopefully things turn around for him. I didn't think I liked this story, but it's really good and becoming addicting.
The stuttering prof. made me laugh, it's alway funny when someone who talks for a living has trouble with it.
| JamiAlexandra7 chapter 2 . 8/14/2010
I like the two totally different personalities in Macy and Blaire. It'll make things interesting, because she seems so interested in him. Her car made me laugh, I've always wanted a VW Beetle :)
| Ruby Kart chapter 35 . 7/31/2010
Beautiful! Great ending, and even the suspense in the last chapter - you don't normally end a story that way, but it was definitely a complete rollercoaster of a book. So many emotions from both Blair and from Macy.
Surprise twists at the end, that revealed that small part of why they were so much alike. Both dreading the idea of losing someone close to them. Again, you don't normally end a book after a suspense chapter - but it was if she finally broke the last piece of the mold. She was able to convince him that she would never leave him. I loved it. Every word!
Thanks so much for allowing me to read your story. It's the best I have read in a long while. Don't bother posting the revised editions on FP again. Just revise the work and send it into the publishers. The sooner you get this on the shelves - the sooner I can buy it :))
| Ruby Kart chapter 31 . 7/25/2010
That's what I normally refer to as a shadow of a sex scene. It's not explicit, but you're fully aware of what's going on. Enough detail to give you the emotion and feeling, but it's not to the point of over the top description (like many stories on here). The theme is still T, but the detail isn't M.
It's still a fantastic story. I mean, it seems really soon to be falling in love after 3 months, and all that. They've both opened up completely, and it's more of a reader's hope that things continue going right. That they stay together and that no surprise ghosts show up and mess everything up for our main characters.
I think in the last chapter you made a switch from Macy's view to Blair's view. You might want to look at that again. It's during the scene of them kicking the soccerball around in the house.
Macy is probably going to be keeping today a secret. I mean, who knows what Carlos would do to Blair if he found out!
But, depression and suicide is a tough battle to face. It doesn't just fix itself within a few months. Talking about it and finding friends help TREMENDOUSLY. But, it's still a battle you have to fae within yourself. It can't be won from the outside. Blair now has outside help, but he's still got to face his demons once and for all.
| Ruby Kart chapter 28 . 7/24/2010
I've finally caught up with all the chapters you've posted.
First off, WOW! It's amazing what you've written here. The story flows so smoothly, even with two totally different points of view. The conflict with Blair is still going on, but Macy has come into his life and turned it upsidedown for the better. It's really a nice change. I like the cute and charming Blair more than the disappointed one.
But, he's still having that nightmare, which has quite a bit to do with the plot, I'm sure. Something is going to happen, as to what it may be, it's still unsure in my mind. But he keeps blaming himself for it, and it's going to drive a peg between Macy and him. At least, that's what I think.
And Macy is opening up more. She's speaking to Blair and moving past her past. It's a huge step for her, even though it may not seem as big as the ghosts in Blair's closet, it's still quite a step to take.
Justin annoys me. I hope Blair gets to hit him again.
And I like Carlos. Still a big brother type of guy. What's not to love about his overbearing personality? JK
A few grammar tips that I notice. The first word of ANY sentence in quotation marks should be capitalized. For instance:
He laughed, "so if this is how you bowl, how do you ice skate?"
The 's' in "so" should really be capitalized. The only time you would not capitalize the first word of a quote is if the quote is interrupted. Example:
"So," he laughed, "if this is how you bowl, how do you ice skate?"
The 'i' in "if" isn't capitalized because it's not a new sentence - it's just continuing from the previous part.
Another thing to look out for, avoid doublt prepositions. Off is already a preposition, you don't need to say off of.
The story is still wonderful, and I would buy it if it were in book form. Thanks for all the updates! I've enjoyed reading :)
| Anna Cate chapter 1 . 3/13/2010
I liked that your characters have very strong voices so far. Keep going with this, it's really interesting! I think their conversation is very funny.
| WutNow chapter 1 . 3/9/2010
Here from The Zero Hour!
On a side note, I would like to inform you that I will focus more on content and the details later on my reviews okie? Okie here I go XD:
I just wanted to say that length does not matter when it comes to chapters- it is the content that truly matters, and you packed a punch with the introduction. I liked how you created a very observational/descriptive scene with our main character Blair and his obsession with the girl. It was a great way to introduce not only the main character, but Macy's as well, through Blair's perspective. A little foreshadowing to how connected he'll be with her in the future- nice touch :). I thought it was cleverly executed. However, I also felt as if it sugar coated the misery and gore from the transitioning paragraph (second onward I believe) to where he lost his mother/ father. When I read through the paragraphs, I didn't sympathize with their deaths because your main character didn't either. For some reason, I felt as if he didn't have a close-nit relationship with his parents to begin with. You described his "numbness" momentarily, but it just didn't register for me- there wasn't enough description of how lonely he felt. I understand loss, everyone does, but you feel misery BEFORE you see the irony/sarcasm. For me, to alleviate his loss, he uses sarcasm. You did this well when he had that conversation with Macy, but I just thought it wasn't as dark as you intended it to be. You mentioned the mother's death, but once again, the "rock bottom" feeling was not there.
I also felt, in the beginning where you were describing rank within the school- I felt it dragged on a little. The numbers confused me (then again, I might not be accustomed to such rankings so I apologize for my lack of experience) but the numbers were just a blur. You emphasized that Macy was intelligent (a little too much for my taste) and if she really is brilliant, then what hell was she doing attending a school filled with "two-hundred and elevenths?" (sorry if I got the numbers wrong lol.) Shouldn't she be going to a U.C? Sorry, just little plot holes I found that I thought I should inform you.
In addition, I felt physical appearance to be lacking. No description of Blair and Macy other than their personalities. (and I'm sorry if you addressed it and I might have accidentally skipped it- sorry!)
Now, for the things you can tweak:
perfect smile shaped mouth- maybe you can connect this as "perfect-shaped-mouth"
I hate Tuesdays. - remember that you are writing in past tense. I saw a couple of instances where you mix past and present accidentally. Replace hate with "hated"
"Hi, I'm Macy Collins," She reached out her hand towards me and I looked at it, dumbstruck as to what exactly she wanted me to do with it.-[ After Macy Collins should be a period, not a comma. If you would like a period to be there, you should also add "she said, extending her hand towards me." then begin a new sentence saying how dumbstruck he was."
Reaching out to shake it briefly I couldn't help but notice how my hand engulfed hers in a sea of rough callus, and I quickly pulled away.- [a lovely/descriptive sentence but a little mouthful. I also saw instances where commas are missing within the paragraphs. This is especially obvious when dialogue started to come in or near the ending where I found things starting to get a little... sloppy. Sloppy might be incorrect word but what i meant by is "I want to finish this chapter already" feeling you know? XD]. I also thought the sentence could be rewritten more fluently. I don't know, it just sounded a little odd to me. Famous i idea, but just, I'm not sure lol.
She didn't seem to notice, "So what are you majoring in?" She asked.-[put a period after "notice" and don't capitalize "she"]
...and I got up quickly before Macy Collin - I'm not sure why you italicize Collins near the end. Is it for emphasis? I found it a little annoying honestly. Just write it without italics.
"You know that's not bad," She [she] said[add comma] leaning over my shoulder slightly. - You can also say "she said as she leaned over my shoulder slightly"
However [add comma] this dream girl would find nothing of what she deserved in me and I was determined to let her see that. - the sentence just sound weird.
"What did you like to do as a kid?" - I know you are reaching for his history in order to find out what he's majoring it, but I felt it popped out of no where. Maybe add "Everyone's good at something. What did you like to do when you were a kid"- a little intro or something like that.
One of my best friends went there for a couple years actually,[period, not a comma] do [Do] you know Austin Tally?" - are these characters (austin and that other person) going to be significant names in the future? Because I don't know if I should remember them or just leave them as tools for conversation etc)
Oh, I liked that it began with Macy, and ended with Macy as well- I thought that was a nice touch of unity.
However, overall, as a whole I thought you did famously, it being your first story and published work on ficpress. It's hard to find authors who actually give 200% in their work here on ficpress, and I'm glad I found you and I'm glad that you are here to share your story. I am curious to see where these characters are going to go. Maybe the emotional distress I found lacking in the intro will be present on later chapters. I thought you did amazingly well on the paragraphs, which i found digestible. I also love how you placed your character in the environment and Blair's situation is quite an interesting one. Once again, my review is not to discourage you to write, but to share my honest opinion as well as giving a critical eye on your paper. Personally though, I was a little offended what Blair said about still lives (I am an artist and I love to paint still lives XD!) but what he said made me laugh so hard because it is true XD. It is more for observational work honestly- still lives. I thought it was great how you added it because that is exactly what Blair does to Macy- observe her like a piece of art, in a more interesting way of course (not the boring its just there kind of thing lol).
Overall, great job my friend! I hope you liked this review. I am off to chapter 2!
| Psychoblue chapter 1 . 3/7/2010
Psychoblue from the Zero Hour here! So, you wish to become a published author, eh?
Well, you're off to a dandy start on that ambition! You jump right into the nitty-gritty talking about suicides and graduation, and that pretty much sets the tone for why our protagonist Blair seems like such a recluse. In addition to that, we also get a glimpse at Macy, the "popular girl" that we all know in school. I say that from experience because someone I knew from middle school is now a professional model. It's very down to earth (something that I'm admittedly not good at doing and probably never will be) and a good setting for this type of story.
Since any grammatical errors could be identified via proofreading, I'll hold off on those and just talk about the story.
| Ruby Kart chapter 15 . 3/5/2010
NO NO NO NO NO! Ah, poor Blair. He drives me crazy. The way he battles with his inner thoughts. One day he's pumped to fight it, the next he's ready to throw in the towel. It's life, and it's hard, and it sucks - but Macy has been helping him.
I love the smiling. When you smile and don't even notice it - that's when happiness is really trickling into your life. When you can laugh and forget about the other problems going on in life - that's when worry and stress are really dissipating.
You can see he's scared. He doesn't want to let anyone into his life for fear of dragging them down in the hole with him. But you can see he genuinely cares about Macy. It's not just this sparks and infatuation - he really cares for her. He was worried about her surfing, and he stuck up for her against a jerk he didn't even know. What's more? He feels he isn't good enough and is searching for her best interests. Sure, it's not fair to beat yourself down just because you may not be in the same social status - but Blair really is a good guy.
I continue to love everything in this story, and am so happy for the update. I hope things start to look up again. I know he's going back to what he calls reality, maybe Macy can change that permanently for him.
| Ruby Kart chapter 14 . 1/29/2010
A tattoo of a tree, that's pretty kool. I've seen a tattoo of a tree that had no leaves and a bunch of crows flying off. It was pretty sweet looking, even if I'm not a fan of tattoos. So yeah, there's my digressing moment :P
Wow, you updated a lot this week. My absolute favorite chapter so far. You brought so much out of Blair. He's on the warpath to defeat that demon inside of him. The soccer, I'm sure that brought a lot of memories back for him.
And Macy hugged him. Of course, it was all in the game, but I'm sure it sent some interesting shock waves through his body.
I love the descriptions of the beach. Even though the little kids aren't major characters, it sets the tone for the chapter. Already making it an 'aw' kinda day.
I love the soccer part too. I'm not very good at the sport, but I can see it happening. And the fact that they cheat at it makes it more realistic for the college kid scene.
And Carlos. Still have to love him. Overprotective-nonbrother-friend. Yeah, that's strange, but that's what he is.
Awesome Chapter, so keep it up!
| Abel Articulate chapter 2 . 1/27/2010
I really like the way this story is coming along so far. I love how both characters are total opposites of each other. It seems to me like it will make for some interesting encounters and stories along the way.
My only criticism is that you should be a little more subtle with some of the facts about the characters. Leaving Blair so open and giving so much information in the first chapter eliminates the possibility of having your readers figure things out themselves, which can sometimes be better than the author of the story telling you about the characters. It makes for people to have more insight and try to understand what is going on with the character, and how they can relate.
Great story and I will be sure to keep on reading. Keep up the good work and I'll be sure to keep on reviewing!