|Reviews for Sweet Poison|
| Anna Cate chapter 1 . 3/13/2010
I liked that your characters have very strong voices so far. Keep going with this, it's really interesting! I think their conversation is very funny.
| Agent.Frappuccino chapter 1 . 3/9/2010
Here from The Zero Hour!
On a side note, I would like to inform you that I will focus more on content and the details later on my reviews okie? Okie here I go XD:
I just wanted to say that length does not matter when it comes to chapters- it is the content that truly matters, and you packed a punch with the introduction. I liked how you created a very observational/descriptive scene with our main character Blair and his obsession with the girl. It was a great way to introduce not only the main character, but Macy's as well, through Blair's perspective. A little foreshadowing to how connected he'll be with her in the future- nice touch :). I thought it was cleverly executed. However, I also felt as if it sugar coated the misery and gore from the transitioning paragraph (second onward I believe) to where he lost his mother/ father. When I read through the paragraphs, I didn't sympathize with their deaths because your main character didn't either. For some reason, I felt as if he didn't have a close-nit relationship with his parents to begin with. You described his "numbness" momentarily, but it just didn't register for me- there wasn't enough description of how lonely he felt. I understand loss, everyone does, but you feel misery BEFORE you see the irony/sarcasm. For me, to alleviate his loss, he uses sarcasm. You did this well when he had that conversation with Macy, but I just thought it wasn't as dark as you intended it to be. You mentioned the mother's death, but once again, the "rock bottom" feeling was not there.
I also felt, in the beginning where you were describing rank within the school- I felt it dragged on a little. The numbers confused me (then again, I might not be accustomed to such rankings so I apologize for my lack of experience) but the numbers were just a blur. You emphasized that Macy was intelligent (a little too much for my taste) and if she really is brilliant, then what hell was she doing attending a school filled with "two-hundred and elevenths?" (sorry if I got the numbers wrong lol.) Shouldn't she be going to a U.C? Sorry, just little plot holes I found that I thought I should inform you.
In addition, I felt physical appearance to be lacking. No description of Blair and Macy other than their personalities. (and I'm sorry if you addressed it and I might have accidentally skipped it- sorry!)
Now, for the things you can tweak:
perfect smile shaped mouth- maybe you can connect this as "perfect-shaped-mouth"
I hate Tuesdays. - remember that you are writing in past tense. I saw a couple of instances where you mix past and present accidentally. Replace hate with "hated"
"Hi, I'm Macy Collins," She reached out her hand towards me and I looked at it, dumbstruck as to what exactly she wanted me to do with it.-[ After Macy Collins should be a period, not a comma. If you would like a period to be there, you should also add "she said, extending her hand towards me." then begin a new sentence saying how dumbstruck he was."
Reaching out to shake it briefly I couldn't help but notice how my hand engulfed hers in a sea of rough callus, and I quickly pulled away.- [a lovely/descriptive sentence but a little mouthful. I also saw instances where commas are missing within the paragraphs. This is especially obvious when dialogue started to come in or near the ending where I found things starting to get a little... sloppy. Sloppy might be incorrect word but what i meant by is "I want to finish this chapter already" feeling you know? XD]. I also thought the sentence could be rewritten more fluently. I don't know, it just sounded a little odd to me. Famous i idea, but just, I'm not sure lol.
She didn't seem to notice, "So what are you majoring in?" She asked.-[put a period after "notice" and don't capitalize "she"]
...and I got up quickly before Macy Collin - I'm not sure why you italicize Collins near the end. Is it for emphasis? I found it a little annoying honestly. Just write it without italics.
"You know that's not bad," She [she] said[add comma] leaning over my shoulder slightly. - You can also say "she said as she leaned over my shoulder slightly"
However [add comma] this dream girl would find nothing of what she deserved in me and I was determined to let her see that. - the sentence just sound weird.
"What did you like to do as a kid?" - I know you are reaching for his history in order to find out what he's majoring it, but I felt it popped out of no where. Maybe add "Everyone's good at something. What did you like to do when you were a kid"- a little intro or something like that.
One of my best friends went there for a couple years actually,[period, not a comma] do [Do] you know Austin Tally?" - are these characters (austin and that other person) going to be significant names in the future? Because I don't know if I should remember them or just leave them as tools for conversation etc)
Oh, I liked that it began with Macy, and ended with Macy as well- I thought that was a nice touch of unity.
However, overall, as a whole I thought you did famously, it being your first story and published work on ficpress. It's hard to find authors who actually give 200% in their work here on ficpress, and I'm glad I found you and I'm glad that you are here to share your story. I am curious to see where these characters are going to go. Maybe the emotional distress I found lacking in the intro will be present on later chapters. I thought you did amazingly well on the paragraphs, which i found digestible. I also love how you placed your character in the environment and Blair's situation is quite an interesting one. Once again, my review is not to discourage you to write, but to share my honest opinion as well as giving a critical eye on your paper. Personally though, I was a little offended what Blair said about still lives (I am an artist and I love to paint still lives XD!) but what he said made me laugh so hard because it is true XD. It is more for observational work honestly- still lives. I thought it was great how you added it because that is exactly what Blair does to Macy- observe her like a piece of art, in a more interesting way of course (not the boring its just there kind of thing lol).
Overall, great job my friend! I hope you liked this review. I am off to chapter 2!
| Psychoblue chapter 1 . 3/7/2010
Psychoblue from the Zero Hour here! So, you wish to become a published author, eh?
Well, you're off to a dandy start on that ambition! You jump right into the nitty-gritty talking about suicides and graduation, and that pretty much sets the tone for why our protagonist Blair seems like such a recluse. In addition to that, we also get a glimpse at Macy, the "popular girl" that we all know in school. I say that from experience because someone I knew from middle school is now a professional model. It's very down to earth (something that I'm admittedly not good at doing and probably never will be) and a good setting for this type of story.
Since any grammatical errors could be identified via proofreading, I'll hold off on those and just talk about the story.
| Ruby Kart chapter 15 . 3/5/2010
NO NO NO NO NO! Ah, poor Blair. He drives me crazy. The way he battles with his inner thoughts. One day he's pumped to fight it, the next he's ready to throw in the towel. It's life, and it's hard, and it sucks - but Macy has been helping him.
I love the smiling. When you smile and don't even notice it - that's when happiness is really trickling into your life. When you can laugh and forget about the other problems going on in life - that's when worry and stress are really dissipating.
You can see he's scared. He doesn't want to let anyone into his life for fear of dragging them down in the hole with him. But you can see he genuinely cares about Macy. It's not just this sparks and infatuation - he really cares for her. He was worried about her surfing, and he stuck up for her against a jerk he didn't even know. What's more? He feels he isn't good enough and is searching for her best interests. Sure, it's not fair to beat yourself down just because you may not be in the same social status - but Blair really is a good guy.
I continue to love everything in this story, and am so happy for the update. I hope things start to look up again. I know he's going back to what he calls reality, maybe Macy can change that permanently for him.
| Ruby Kart chapter 14 . 1/29/2010
A tattoo of a tree, that's pretty kool. I've seen a tattoo of a tree that had no leaves and a bunch of crows flying off. It was pretty sweet looking, even if I'm not a fan of tattoos. So yeah, there's my digressing moment :P
Wow, you updated a lot this week. My absolute favorite chapter so far. You brought so much out of Blair. He's on the warpath to defeat that demon inside of him. The soccer, I'm sure that brought a lot of memories back for him.
And Macy hugged him. Of course, it was all in the game, but I'm sure it sent some interesting shock waves through his body.
I love the descriptions of the beach. Even though the little kids aren't major characters, it sets the tone for the chapter. Already making it an 'aw' kinda day.
I love the soccer part too. I'm not very good at the sport, but I can see it happening. And the fact that they cheat at it makes it more realistic for the college kid scene.
And Carlos. Still have to love him. Overprotective-nonbrother-friend. Yeah, that's strange, but that's what he is.
Awesome Chapter, so keep it up!
| Abel Articulate chapter 2 . 1/27/2010
I really like the way this story is coming along so far. I love how both characters are total opposites of each other. It seems to me like it will make for some interesting encounters and stories along the way.
My only criticism is that you should be a little more subtle with some of the facts about the characters. Leaving Blair so open and giving so much information in the first chapter eliminates the possibility of having your readers figure things out themselves, which can sometimes be better than the author of the story telling you about the characters. It makes for people to have more insight and try to understand what is going on with the character, and how they can relate.
Great story and I will be sure to keep on reading. Keep up the good work and I'll be sure to keep on reviewing!
| Ruby Kart chapter 13 . 1/26/2010
Ashley! haha, sorry I had to make this sorta anonymous. Apparently I already reviewed this chapter earlier, so...
But anyway! Loved it. I was so excited when I saw the notice in my inbox. And try as hard as I could to read through it quickly, I couldn't. I didn't want to miss anything you'd written. You write with such a keen interest in each particular word. Everything ties so well together. And your descriptions of suicide (or the thoughts you have) are absolutely amazing. You have either been in that spot, or you have a pretty amazing imagination.
I like the new determination in Blair. He seems to have the idea that Macy can help him. She's already helped him. Saved his life more than once or twice now.
I like the scene at the beach. Just quiet. Nothing big and bursting with a fantasma of emotions, but just quiet. Slowly getting to know one another through what seems like useless comments.
Then you have the dream. A repeated dream of that nature means something. It's not just random. Of course, most dreams come about due to thoughts or information in our subconscious, but this seems more. He isn't the one killing her like he feels he would be. She wouldn't be turning to him and asking him for help then.
Anyway, it's so great, and I'm happy to read this again.
| Ruby Kart chapter 13 . 1/5/2010
Take your time Howdy!
Happy New Year by the way :)
| Ruby Kart chapter 12 . 12/7/2009
Haha, I love Carlos. Dang, I wish I had a best buddy like that :(
That was a good chapter, not much Blair (dare I say that I miss him) but you bring back the Justin guy. UGH! That guy irks me.
I love Macy, I would be doing the exact same thing. I love her spunk, it's what makes her so kool! She seems to see right through people. Through the facades and all the other lies. She sees like the true angel or demon resting within each of the characters.
I'm just nervous about Justin now. He seems like the sort of person who would do something mean and vindictive to get his way. Spoiled Brat!
| Ruby Kart chapter 11 . 12/7/2009
Wow, that was a really long chapter. But there was so much more dialogue in it that you've used in all your previous chapters. The dialogue was really good by the way. The fight scene I absolutely loved. It was realistic. And Macy, I'm not sure whether she's smart or brave or stupid or all of them at once. Describing Cody like you did, well, he just strikes me as someone I don't want to mess with. LOL, and then you've got Blair who beat him up. Just wished he could have done it again. Cody was in for an ego popping.
I also like the little bit of the ice cream. It was like she wasn't just trying to get the fact of new ice cream flavor across. She was trying to tell him to do something different. Whether it be date a girl, or play a sport, or just do something out of his normal routine.
I also love the little inner conversations he has. This girl is changing him even in the first few chapters. He's suddenly lost control. There are a million emotions he's succeeded at keeping buried the last few years, and she comes along and his will has suddenly found a weak point to force itself through. Sigh, I just hope that things continue to work for the better.
Every time I think of Blair, I think of that kid from the movie "My life is a House" and how he has that kind of mentality and it all changes.
Who died in the car accident? His mom died of cancer, and his dad committed suicide. Did he have a younger sibling or something?
Anyway, great update. Keep writing!
| Ruby Kart chapter 10 . 12/3/2009
Haha, I knew he was at the beach!
So, I really like this chapter. I knew Macy wouldn't give in that easily. But we now have a tiny problem, she just told Carlos that it was his dad's birthday party. But his dad's dead, and that is really going to create a problem later. Someone is either going to lie on top of a lie and so on until they get caught. Or Blair is going to be so put out by it, that he'll just leave and completely forget about Macy.
But what was in that phone call that made Blair change his mind and suddenly go with Macy?
Also, I love the descriptions of the beach. It's honestly one of the nicest places to be when you're stressed. Never been able to go see it during a storm, but went with my cousins at night and got to see shooting stars and the dinoflaggelates in the water, which make it glow green. It was so kool! Anyway, enough of the sidebar, lol.
I liked the update! You've got me hooked on this story, so thanks for asking me to read it.
| Ruby Kart chapter 9 . 11/30/2009
Aw man! So I was right about the pills thing. He wasn't intentionally taking the antidepressants to help with depression, he wanted to die. Sigh, poor Blair, I feel for him. I really do!
And then there's Macy. Gosh, she's probably had images of her and Blair cheering the football team running through her head the whole week.
But she doesn't seem like one who's gonna give up easily. I can just see her catching him at school on Friday and trapping him into a corner until she convinces him to go with her.
These dreams Blair's having, they mean something. I mean, to have 2 dreams where someone dies isn't just coincidence. And what's more, she's asking him for help. Not that he's causing her death, but rather he's the one that might be able to stop it. Wonder if Danny's behind all this.
Small typo at the end. You say Id didn't (I'm sure you meshed the words together), just thought I'd let you know.
Great Chapter. Actually my fav so far. Don't know why, just is. So much character there! Looking forward to your next update :)
| Ruby Kart chapter 8 . 11/30/2009
Uh oh, I can already see Macy setting herself up for a world of trouble. Not that I don't like Blair, but when a girl starts poking around in a guys life, and that guy happens to be loaded with emotional baggage, she's either gonna get burned by it or buried underneath it with him. Sigh, I just hope that's not the case here.
On the other hand, it was really cute to see her slightly frazzled by the idea he would say yes. She's so optimistic and happy it's hard not to like her (and apparently hard for many other ppl at the same time).
I like Carlos. Kinda like a big brother relationship you have there. He's protective of her, and I like how he beat Danny up. lol, glad someone did!
Macy's mom. Although she means well, she does strike me as a bit of a weirdy. I mean, what mother is in constant motion to try and set up a date for their own daughter. I mean, Macy is not antisocial or unlikable. I understand she hasn't been dating in a while and has had a bad breakup, but still. Don't you think mother's would give a little more time and be understanding, wanting to comfort their children rather than push them back into the world. It creates humor for the story, but just makes the mom seem like a matchmaking best friend rather than a protective mother figure. I wonder what her dad will have to say about everything?
| Ruby Kart chapter 7 . 11/25/2009
"What if you broke her?" - LOL, I LOVE THAT LINE!
okay, so this was a good chapter. I don't entirely agree with Blair's philosophy about God, but I can completely understand the thoughts that course through your mind as you're battling with depression.
The thing that surprises me is that he's depressed, not at his parents' death, but at the fact that he seems to think his father never really loved him. Every human desires to be loved, and to be denied love from a parent, the being who is supposed to love you under all circumstances, can be a crushing blow to anyone. So, I was pleasantly surprised at how you captured that cause of the depression.
I love how Blair talks to himself. It's almost as if I can see the little angel on his shoulder smiling at the different thoughts as he mentally beats himself. The thing about the antidepressants, you'd think he was ready to move on and start taking control of his life. But you mention four pills, I was like "DON'T DO IT BLAIR! YOU CAN LIVE THROUGH IT!" b/c I thought he was on the verge of suicide.
So, I know you're working on chapter 8 and I will be reading that after you post it. I love the title of this story, you've tied in the phrase sweet poison so many times that it would be crazy not to name it that.
Another little think I've picked up. Yea really should be spelled Yeah. You're meaning it in a sure, whatever kind of fashion. Yea, I think is old English and is pronounced more 'yay' and I don't think that's what you're going for here in your dialogue.
If it's not too much to ask, I'd like some feedback on my story that I've posted here. It's called Hero by Design. I know that the first few chapters are horrible in regards to grammar and what not, but any tips at all would be much appreciated considering you are studying creative writing at college. But it's not necessary, i will continue to review your story regardless of what you choose to do.
Anyway, Update soon!
| Ruby Kart chapter 6 . 11/25/2009
In regards to the review I posted for chapter 4, I realize now that I made a mistake. I didn't mean to say that she hated the relationship with her mom, rather she hated the pristine that had been forced upon her due to her mom's social standing. Sorry if that was confusing.
In the last sentence of the second paragraph, you might have forgotten a word because it doesn't quite flow fluently.
Also, when you're discussing Macy getting ready to leave for her mom's you meantion that conversation about Justin being inevitable. I know you're talking about the events of the previous night when she darts from the car, but you really should mention that in the paragraph somewhere so it fits and coheres with the timeline you are currently running in your story.
I love the little episode with Delilah. She may not be my favorite character, but she reminds me of my friend Manuel. He gets inside your head trying to get you to admit things that may or may not be true, and leaves you to figure out what the actual answers may be.
Also, the episode with her mom is quite humorous, and made me smile. I could feel my eyes bulging when you mentioned Macy's eyes widening due to the information about requesting a phone number.
I also like the little information about Blair. It's completely logical that Macy might be reaching to Blair because she recognizes a sort of darkness or depression in her own life that she hasn't dealt with due to this Danny character. Either way, it's a good development.