Reviews for When We Wither
Xenn.be.Twisted chapter 4 . 3/29/2010
Hot dayum I really like this one! their is way too much bad quality writing on fictionpress, I have to say and when you find a really good one like this it's great! YAYAYAY!

I love her. Seriously. I hope she fucks him over grandly in some way or another.

Please, write more!

Xenn
xenolith chapter 3 . 1/14/2010
Oh wow, this is so interesting!

I had no idea it was going to turn out like this. Rome! OMFG. I like the pace, the narrator, Cole, the dialogue and the length. Why, well, because it's all fresh, easy to read, realistic and engaging. I so want to know what's going to happen next, and who that Mob Boss dude was. Oh and that fall, nicely done. Very suspenseful, very awesome!
RetardedChicken chapter 3 . 12/24/2009
Good stuff, didn't see any mistakes(unlike me) and I'm liking this story. Anyways update soon and MERRY CHRISTMAS
Akumo chapter 3 . 12/13/2009
Amazing story awesome plot, good grammar, and good spelling :) can't wait for the next update!
Fay Diablo chapter 2 . 12/1/2009
Whoo! I love shootouts...and gore...but that's not a reflection on my character, I swear.

Again, this chapter was pretty awesome- you used 'of' instead of 'off' a couple times, but that's no big deal. I really do love Alain's narratation. I love her flipping off the gangster, even after have guns on her.
Fay Diablo chapter 1 . 12/1/2009
I adore this...simply because of Alain's inner voice. I like how Alain and Cole interact with each other- and I love that even though she keeps shooting him these slightly condescending comments, she's still checking out his hands. This is sort of funny and cute, in a dark way- it almost feels like Alain's on the verge of being sort of jaded and cynical.

There were only two things that caught my attention- in the beginning, where it says, "'Here,' I passed", you should either replace the comma with a period or put "I said, then passed". The other thing was "it easily chilled my fingers to the bone"- it almost feels like if you reworded this second half of the sentence, the whole thing would sound a little better.
xenolith chapter 2 . 11/27/2009
Wow alright, I thought this was excellent. I want more. Guess that's the best kinda praise I could offer at the moment. Riveting stuff!
xenolith chapter 1 . 11/27/2009
Hm, what I like best about this is how it seems so laid back. It wasn't what I was expecting for the start of a new story, it was like you plunged right in to the deep end and I appreciate that. It's kinda great. Certainly different. The dialogue and simple descriptions were wonderful, the only thing I really had to nitpick about was this ' His lips quirked faintly upwards' and yeah... that was it. This is really very good.
ephemeral dance chapter 2 . 11/26/2009
Ick, gore. But a recent endeavor with a horror anime has now made me almost immune to that kind of stuff. ;

Anyway, this was another good chapter. Cole is a hoot. I like how you deal with business as well as humor, and then lead up to an awesome, balls-smashing end. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
ephemeral dance chapter 1 . 11/26/2009
Haha! I really like this. A nice introduction to characters and whatnot, I can already tell that your characterization/development is going to be absolutely divine. I like how the humor didn't leave even at the very end, and then bam! A perfect ending to make the reader want to move on.

Great job!

- Sarah, via The Roadhouse
YasuRan chapter 2 . 11/25/2009
So far, I think it's pretty exciting. I like the dynamic between Alain and Cole, they both seem quite interesting characters. However, I think you could have written in some more action in the second chapter, particularly when they first enter the club (before Cole gets shot). Just a little touch ;)
WildmanWalker chapter 2 . 11/23/2009
The imagery is great-very descriptive, and it keeps you on the edge of your seat. Your development of all the characters (especially Alain & Cole) is also great. I think I've found a new story on this site that I'll enjoy reading.

Keep it up!
KelaBelle chapter 2 . 11/23/2009
When you writed at the beginning its going to be crime, romance and supernatrual I was like squeal cause I lvoe it when we have a mixed of different genes happeneing in one story, I'm liking where this is going so far.
A. Jocko chapter 1 . 11/22/2009
Quite the good start here. I'm really a sucker for simple opening hooks, and the first line here drew me in. You're a rather talented writer. You have a talent for picking the right words to illustrate a scene. Words like "slumped" and "inhaled" in the early going get me interested. I also quite enjoyed the exchange about being high strung, that one made me chuckle. My only real quibble with chapter 1 is minor: You mention Christmas is right around the corner and then have hte "Early december weather is COLD" line. I don't think you needed both like that. We already know the time. Your policewoman feels professional, while also being organic. I also loved the tweezer bit. It's impressive how naturally this all flows. Got some skill.

As for chapter two, more of the same. I really liked the line "they didn't have a face anymore." That really sells the damage well. There's lots of bits in here that make me THINK I know what they're dealing with, but it's still not out there and obvious about it. Second chapter brings more goodness, even if I'd want to slap a guy named Donovan Peron. What a name. Still, this one has me interested and I'll be adding it to my favorites to keep an eye on updates.
A. Jocko chapter 2 . 11/22/2009
Quite the good start here. I'm really a sucker for simple opening hooks, and the first line here drew me in. You're a rather talented writer. You have a talent for picking the right words to illustrate a scene. Words like "slumped" and "inhaled" in the early going get me interested. I also quite enjoyed the exchange about being high strung, that one made me chuckle. My only real quibble with chapter 1 is minor: You mention Christmas is right around the corner and then have hte "Early december weather is COLD" line. I don't think you needed both like that. We already know the time. Your policewoman feels professional, while also being organic. I also loved the tweezer bit. It's impressive how naturally this all flows. Got some skill.

As for chapter two, more of the same. I really liked the line "they didn't have a face anymore." That really sells the damage well. There's lots of bits in here that make me THINK I know what they're dealing with, but it's still not out there and obvious about it. Second chapter brings more goodness, even if I'd want to slap a guy named Donovan Peron. What a name. Still, this one has me interested and I'll be adding it to my favorites to keep an eye on updates.
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