|Reviews for Mother's Black Heart|
| A-S-Cain chapter 8 . 1/3/2010
Oh, it's over? Aww... I actually read this a while ago late at night and was too tired to review. Sorry it took so long to get back and reread it! .
Anyway... It seems like you rushed the ending all of a sudden. Perhaps you wanted the effect of fast-paced action, but I think you could have made it a little longer without dragging. :3 I mean, it's your story, so enjoy it! As writers, we love our craft! Take it nice and slow with your work to avoid leaving your readers with that dreaded whiplash feeling that takes them before they know it - thunk! - right to the end?
But I'm not trying to say I disliked the ending because that is the opposite of how I feel. I think you ended nicely with the graveyard scene. It emanated a sense of closure, bringing everything together. Nicely done!
Your characters are still lovely. They stuck to their personalities to the very end. Good job!
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece! I could talk about a lot of points, but I feel it would be a little redundant, so I'll wrap up my review here. I really look forward to reading more work from you, so please keep on writing and getting better and better!
Your loyal reader, A-S-Cain!
| A-S-Cain chapter 7 . 12/7/2009
Hi, hi, it's A. Cain here! u;
A few quick things that caught my attention:
Maybe it's just me, but I've found myself surprised at the direction you've been taking this story. This may be the most predictable storyline ever, but because of my naivety (?)I wouldn't ever know. What I'm saying is that I like it, and I don't think it's cliched or predictable! The plot twists are strong but not completely unbelievable, and it seems like you know what you're doing and where you're going with this (at least I hope *u*;).
I like how you keep many of the characters in the picture even amidst all the plot. Bringing Miwa and Sadako's father in holds the story to reality and keeps it from floating away to the unbelievable. After all, Sadako has her own life to worry about as well, and no character can just shut out everyone around them for the sake of plot!
The characters stick to their personalities. This is usually a point where many authors lose control of them, but you've held right on. Please keep it up.
Nothing really to speak of grammatically in this chapter. I think there may have been a few awkward sentences, but I suppose it's up to interpretation and none of them were blatantly obvious, so I won't bother you (or me!) with listing them. A quick brush-up on sentence structures could do anyone good after all!
Okay, I think that's all this time. Please update soon; this little story is a nice break from reality for me! Ciao~! - A-S-Cain
| A-S-Cain chapter 6 . 12/2/2009
Really good! I should be doing my homework (ha!), but I want to do a quick review instead! Your prose has gotten much better. You're adding details that ground the characters to the setting nicely without bogging them down. I advise you to keep on sticking to the necessary description and to not overdo it, just how you've been doing it! The pacing is perfect; not too slow and not too rushed. And guess what? I didn't notice a single spelling error this time! (If there were any, they were small, and I glossed right over them.) The elements of suspense are very nice here. Please update soon! I will always be your faithful reviewer! - A-S-Cain
| A-S-Cain chapter 5 . 11/26/2009
Wow, you update fast! Nice two chapters. It's still fast-paced but not in a bad way. You manage to capture the essence of the story without overloading on description and unnecessary details. There were a couple of typos, but I imagine that's from updating so fast. Please update soon; I want to see where you take this story! :) - A-S-Cain
| A-S-Cain chapter 3 . 11/25/2009
You have a good start here, and since there isn't much content yet, I won't go into a very detailed review. I'll let you know, however, that you have quite a way with dialogue. All of your characters' words flow nicely in reflection of their personalities, and the descriptive language they use is very reminiscent of manga-styled dialogue, something I consider an art form in and of itself. The story is quite fast-paced, so I encourage you to flesh out dialogue as much as you need to and keep up with its high-quality. I recommend putting some more detail into the descriptive pieces and revising them more. You seem to have more trouble with them than the dialogue, so try and divert more of your attention on spicing them up. All of this is just my personal opinion, of course, and I only wish for you to improve! . As for the story, please do update soon - you've left us with quite the cliffhanger, and I really want to know what happens next! Overall, a nice start to an intriguing story! :) Well done! - A-S-Cain
| Royal Bliss chapter 1 . 11/14/2009
"It wasn’t as if he was afraid of falling- the moonlight was bright enough that he could clearly see each step."
I'd double the hyphen rather than leave it alone... it signals abruptness more. "of falling-the moonlight". Plus, that's how it's done anyway.
"Something that reason told him wasn’t there"
That sounds odd. "Something that reason", maybe reword it...
"It was over before he could turn around. His body crashed down onto the remaining three steps in a mess of blood."
Nice. That really sets this story apart from the ordinary. I was getting nervous as I was reading this, thinking that nothing entertaining would happen, but this changed that thought. Nice wording, it was quick and didn't dwell on or milk anything and sometimes, quicker sentences are more effective that way (and creepier).
This was pretty short, but overall, great work. I would weed out those adverbs if I were you though, they don't add much feeling to the story and I'm positive you can improve your sentences without them by finding better words to express what you mean.