|Reviews for Do you want to play a game?|
| silent-anthem chapter 1 . 3/26/2010
okay so, this is an okay story to me. Make sure you proofread once you are finished because it will make the chapter look lazy.
| CrossbonesD.D.S chapter 6 . 1/25/2010
I really ejoyed the way that you started this little adventure. With the description of your main charaters situation and surroundings. His abilities seeming to be almost the enemy to him. Then the alluding to the fact of mystery not just with his own memory loss but to the female. I thought that it was very well written. As for the death scene, I thought it was done appropriately since Henry's character didn't have much time in the story to begin with. So a minimalist approach seemed the best to me. It actually saddened me that he died so soon. Henry seemed to be the leader of this band of:pardon my leap of logic: Mutants/Aliens. I know it's hard to give each character real face time in a story but I think you should have kept him alive longer unless you have a good reason for killing the "Brains" of the operation that soon. I don't know what's in your head so I'm just flying by the seat of my brain here. All in all it's the beginning of a very good I applaud your use of the written french accent... :-) Kep writting.
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 1/15/2010
Hi from On the Edge (but I've seen you around elsewhere, I think) where you posted a RR request for this work.
Opening sentence is okay. It's a little overused, the "wake up from a nightmare", but it's not yet a cliche. It does start us off with a decent question, "What was Ty dreaming?"
Opening paragraph is decent. We shift from "What was he dreaming?" to "How does he blow things up in his sleep?"
The character description seems out of place here. It's one thing to describe him in passing, but this seems to linger longer than it ought.
"Arthurs will" should be "Arthur's will."
"He rarely got board" should be "he rarely got bored."
Ending is likewise okay. We end with a mysterious challenge. I like how he shrugged and continued with his daily routine.
"Do you want to play a game?" is too common a challenge, however. There was a computer in an ancient film from the 80's that asked that (and the game was Global Thermo-nuclear Destruction), and more recently, I thought this was the Jigsaw Killer's trademark from Saw franchise?
While this is not what the note said, it may be advisable to change a different phrasing. "Okay, riddle me this..." might work.
Overall, there's a lot of tell. We get to see him clean, which is good. But much of it seems like the author narrating direclty to the audience, and not in a way that entertains. It's more like an expository lecture. This is how he came to money. That is how the lawyer entered his life. This room was destroyed this way, etc.
I would think that this chapter may move to slowly for some. He wakes up, looks around, thinks to himself, "Yep, trashed again," then goes about his cleaning. There's the question of how, and perhaps why the will, but they're not that much different than the beginning of the story.
Info-dumps are a necessary evil, but they should be done with care, and as nicely dressed up as possible. Many of the facts here seemed to be present just because they were facts...
All in all, this has an interesting and challenging (to the author) premise, and I look forward tos eeing what you do with it.
| Alexilaihorox chapter 4 . 11/24/2009
This is getting good! Can't wait for the next chapter! XD
| No Reflection In My Mirror chapter 3 . 11/19/2009
I think the accent is German.
That was a good read, I think shorter chapter are suited to a fast paced scene so you got that right. Liked the mysterious character.
Hmm... wonder what's going to happen to Ty, so update soon. XD