|Reviews for Whimsy|
| cam3llia chapter 5 . 3/1/2011
I normally don't read fantasy stories, but this was an exception. I liked how everything in the forest is not as it appears and I'm guessing they probably represent something in the boys' life. It's also interesting how you made the protagonist a little boy though the story is probably targeted at a much older audience.
Disappointed though that this is two years old. Update soon! :)
| naito-kun chapter 1 . 7/14/2010
'Eyes aglow with wonder the boy sat at the frozen water's edge' thought that a comma after 'wonder' would've made it sound better.
and woah, where did that shard come from? (strangely it reminds me of the snow queen, haha!) very interesting so far ((:
| xenolith chapter 5 . 1/14/2010
I remember you asking about an embodiment of Grief, had no idea that this would come of it.
"She fell past my fingertips like sand.” - for some reason this image, the man holding his wife tight until she literally fades away, makes me really sad. No, I know the reason, it hits home. I can relate to that.
Again, the same feeling of walking through a dream but in this dream I get the sense of a nightmare, of foreboding. Grief, as an entity. Genius. The paragraph near the end where the man and the boy walk east was very well done, the feeling you get is that the environment is trying to ward them off.
'The air was colder here. Something vital was being drained away.'
Magical. I love it.
| xenolith chapter 4 . 1/14/2010
Oh my, this is so pretty I can't even begin to say. Reading this is like being lost in a dream. Things surprise you at first, like the musical, all-knowing frog, and then you wonder why you were surprised in the first place. You execute this brilliantly, with the boy's ability to adapt.
I liked this line: “How do you know of such a thing, if it does not exist here?”
| Koki Enwai chapter 1 . 12/28/2009
I love the main character already. :)
Usually it's hard to get into a story that starts off with so many paragraphs where there isn't much talking going on, but I think you've pulled it off nicely. It's very good so far.
| sophiesix chapter 3 . 12/9/2009
I love the sense of light heartedness and wildness that the fox girl has. I can see why his mind goes back to shadow girl though. The transition to the room and back was so cool. the strangeness and yet reality of it was beautifully done.
"He picked it up and decided to clean it and himself off" 'clean it off' works fine, 'clean himself off' works fine, but i found 'clean it and himself off' a little awkward, compared to your usual lovely flowing style. maybe its just two ands in that sentence? or maybe you don't need the 'off'?
"I haven’t had this much fun since, well, since yesterday actually" lol!
I'm really enjoying this
| sophiesix chapter 2 . 12/3/2009
Oh the girl is lovely! I really like her (and her shadow heh heh). And I adore how the boy asks my questions for me just as I think of them, it makes me feel a really close rapport with him. I like how you’re building their relationship, too, its really sweet. Man you made that fruit sound good, I love that combination!
A few sentences that I thought could have been better?
“W-What is that?” the boy stammered, suddenly fearful.” There are three things in this sentence that convey his fear, the stammering in the speech, the ‘stammered ‘ speech tag, and the ‘fearful’ adjective, for me, that made some of them redundant. They way you have written the shadow lets us think already that it is scary, so a light touch on showing the boy is also scared is all that’s needed, I think. Probably, the speech by itself would do that, but its up to you.
“The boy stamped his foot on the ground near the Shadow and it skittered back in mock fear before cackling again.” Whilst I loved the image conveyed here, this sentence seemed a little long to me. Even just replacing the ‘before’ with a comma would help.
“The rest I must eat withered and dry, assuming it’s still edible” I wanted a shorter sentence here to round off her dialogue with a bit more finality (if that makes sense), to provide a bit more contrast to the other two sentences. So I didn’t like the ‘assuming it’s still edible’ part, it didn’t flow as nice for me. Without it, it sounded more like a natural stop, but with it, it was kind of like an extra bit after a nice neat ending. I’ m not sure it’s entirely necessary, that last bit, because I think the information it gives is maybe not worth the reduction in quality of the whole… dunno if that makes sense?
“a long but shallow (inasmuch as it was not fatal) red gash appeared on his stomach,” I didn’t like the in brackets bit here, it seemed a stylistic contrast and broke the flow. That information could be given through the text (ie by the reader seeing he is not affected to the point of fatality XD), or added after that sentence or something.
“Thank you,” she said at last, “but I really must leave.” With that the girl stood once again and walked away. The boy was about to make another protest when the girl half turned and smiled at him” Oh so here’s an example where to me you have too many ‘the girl’s” Changing one or two into she’s would make it flow better for me. :)
But yeah, overall, awesome awesome awesome as usual!
| Duckies chapter 1 . 12/3/2009
I REALLY enjoyed reading this first chapter! You set the scene beautifully and made me immensely curious. The opening was absolutely beautifully written, the descriptions and flow was superb, it simply rolled off my tongue when I read it aloud. The image you created with the italicised text was both realistic and fantastical, creating a wonderfully vivid image in my mind.
I really liked the way that you never mentioned the character's name, creating a strong sense of mystery. The transition between scenes was nicely executed, with the semi-plot twists keeping me on my toes. The sudden change between the frozen lake scene and the bedroom blood scene worked especially well, making the reader extremely intrigued.
I loved the way that you described when the boy was being pulled into the shard of glass - the build up worked perfectly, making the sensation of being tugged and pulled with mounting momentum feel even more realistic.
However, I did notice that your pace is a tad inconsistent - not much, but you did kind of slow down and speed up, mostly in the middle section, which made that part a little awkward and less captivating.
I loved the end of the chapter as well, a great semi-cliffhanger that leaves the reader wondering and wanting more. Brilliant opening chapter, I'll definately read and review more as soon as I get another chance! Wonderful work, SubscribedFaved :)
| Mintiee chapter 1 . 12/2/2009
Ok, this is too long to be called a prologue, really. The whole point of a prologue is that it's very short and grabs the reader in quickly so that they keep reading. This is more like a full-length chapter.
Another thing, you overuse some words in the passage, like in when the boy is trying to pull the lotus out of the lake, the word "ice" is mentioned too many times in such a short paragraph. It helps if you read all of your work out loud, that way you can tell if you've overused anything.
But, other than that, i didn't have a problem with it. You're description was amazing and very lyrical. It painted a fantastic image of the forest in my mind, and of the frozen lake. This is very interesting so far, full of beautiful imagery and it sounds like it could lead on to an amazing story. Good luck with your writing.
| Mizzuz Spock chapter 2 . 12/1/2009
The narrative in this story makes me think of Alice in Wonderland or The Neverending Story, though I'm not really sure why. xD
The interaction with the shadow girl and the boy is great. I really enjoyed reading it, and Shadow Girl (as I'm dubbing her) is a really intriguing character, and I love the mystery behind why her shadow is like that. (Yes, I know. It's possessed by a demon, it killed her parents...but how? And why? Does the demon act as a parasite? Why is it still there? Even if these questions aren't answered in later chapters, I still like that unknown aspect about Shadow Girl.)
One thing that I thought was odd, though... The boy is struck in the stomach by the shadow, but then he seems to miraculously forget about it after he ties his shirt around himself to stop the bleeding. I felt you just kind of let it drop out of the narration. Granted, the interaction between the boy and the girl is more important at the moment, but that doesn't mean other little details have to take a backseat.
Great chapter and a really interesting story so far. :]
| Mizzuz Spock chapter 1 . 11/29/2009
You have such beautiful imagery with this piece. Really, I'm jealous. (I find detail to be excruciatingly painful to write, even though I know it's necessary.) I find it strange that you don't give the boy a name, but I kind of like it. It adds a sense of mystery and makes me want to learn more about this boy. (I'm guessing he's the main character, but I'm not going to assume anything yet.)
I didn't really care for the part when he realized the whole thing was a dream and then, later, he steps into the world and the dream becomes real. It just felt kind of annoying, learning it wasn't real and then you threw him into that world that WAS real. Interesting twist, I'll admit. But personally, not my cup of tea.
One thing I also want to mention: I really liked the scene where the boy discovered the shard and was messing around with it. I found his reactions believable, not forced at all.
Lovely first chapter. Good job. :]
| xenolith chapter 3 . 11/29/2009
Very good chapter. Oh, there's just something about this story that I really dig. I loved your description during the middle, when he 'faded' back into his bedroom, I thought you really nailed that. And the interaction with the fox girl was great. Your dialouge and narrative are both very strong, I'd just maybe like to see a bit more direction? I love that it's sort of jumbled and random but what is the meaning of it all? Oh I hope I'm making sense. Anyways, this is well written and incredibly interesting, so keep at it!
| lookingwest chapter 5 . 11/28/2009
Wait an intense metaphorical scene involving grief. Ugh, it made me super sad! I loved the dialogue again, it's the most interesting part of this chapter, but the depth you go into concerning a prolonged idea of grief and turning it into something physical is pretty cool. Again, strong chapter, probably my favorite so far! I forgot to add this story to my alerts too, haha, I need to do that...so here I go...until next time!
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 11/27/2009
Wow, that was awesome. really engrossing, you sucked me into your little world! but seeing as you asked for CC, I searched hard and came up with a couple ;)
“They danced and sang with a natural grace, the likes of which cannot be mimicked nor outdone.” Could not or cannot?
“Amidst the bitter frost, however, the he felt quite depressed.” The he?
“His surroundings were doing little to cheer him up; the hollowness was nearly overwhelming. The landscape was bleak and lifeless, packed densely with naked, colorless trees. There was not a creature in sight and the sky wept with frozen tears. The emptiness was fitting.” Whist I adored the descriptions of the frozen world in general (m-m-m, snow!) I didn’t like the sequence of passive verbs here?
“Immediately, his eyes fell upon an extraordinary white lotus growing out of the ice.” I wasn’t sure about the word immediately here, I think because the rest of the writing is so beautiful, it just seemed a kind of lazy word in comparison. It left me wondering, if it was so immediately attention grabbing, why hadn’t he seen it when he first saw the lake? Or is it only growing larger enough to notice now? On the other hand, a bit confusion does help that dream-like element too...
The blood bit was a good contrast to the awesome stillness and whiteness of the dream, but I didn’t like that section as much. Maybe because I’ve heard descriptions like ‘soaked in blood’ and 'blood all over him’ too many times, so it just didn’t seem as ‘fresh' as the first two sections?
The shard bit was so cool. SO cool.
Lastly, I found the repetition of the words ‘the boy’ a bit too, well, repetitive? Mostly your sentence structure and variety I found very pleasing, but changing/shifting a few of the ‘the boy’ ones would improve it even more, for me.
Definitely going on the faves list!
| lookingwest chapter 4 . 11/27/2009
Hmm...the fact that you've displaced time from your story is really creative, I've never read anything like this (not counting Narnia) but I'm kind of getting a tad bit frustrated, the story is going places, but the plot development is leaving me really grasping at what could be coming next, which just seems so far like an occurrence of meeting someone different each chapter and then watching them go, I'd love to see some variety in chapter structure. Still, again, the quality of the writing is perfected and sentences are strong and confident. I see no problems on that front, and so far my disposition is really positive, I like it a lot, and I want to see what else you can do. Not to mention-knowing more about Whim.