|Reviews for FC: OotW Old Version|
| lianoid chapter 2 . 11/25/2010
I’ll admit I skipped the history lesson chapter. I’m a little pressed for time tonight but I wanted to get you a review. I do intend on going back to read it, primarily because just from this first chapter, I can tell you’ve put a great deal of effort into the world as a whole. I must say it really fortifies this piece already, in my eyes. Although I may not know precisely what everything is, I can gather their importance or relation to the story’s current events and I love how this is so well thought out.
Your descriptions are clear and through without being gratuitous, and I love how you slowly lead the reader into the story and familiarize them with the surroundings before moving on. I think this gradual progression is a great way to begin and works really well for this particular piece.
And, wow. Two weeks of twenty-one hour days? Dear, lord, that’s brutal. Ha-ha. I definitely would have crumbled into a blubbering heap by the end of the first day. Then again, six years of training probably hardened him enough to handle that sort of training. (Side note: I would write “21” as “twenty-one” although it’s merely personal preference).
He had come far in the past Nine years...
-I can’t figure out why “Nine” is capitalized.
It took him three years to finally overcome to trauma.
-Do you mean “overcome the trauma” instead?
"What's the catch sir?"
-Edit: I believe a comma should go after “catch”.
Well, I have to say this was definitely a great first chapter. The action scene’s pacing was great, your descriptions were wonderful and your dialogue smooth. I’m definitely intrigued by this and will be coming back to it when I have the time (hopefully sooner than later). Excellent work; I look forward to reading more soon.
| xenolith chapter 12 . 4/19/2010
Eek, that was so exciting! And really long too! Awesome.
Okay so the first thing I noticed was the tpos of he instead of she for Bolor, I think it was supposed to be she? I liked how they sort of ran into this mission while they were on their way to do something else, makes it even more interesting. I liked the battle scenes and the action, it was all very fast paced and exciting.
And, as always, the cammeraderie between the three is excellent. Sorry its taken me so long to continue reading, btw!
| Punslinger chapter 1 . 4/13/2010
I'm sorry I don't have time to read more of this now. The Prologue is well written and seems very promising. It is difficult to create cultures so alien from ours but easy for us to identify with. So I can appreciate how well you've done that so far.
| sophiesix chapter 16 . 4/1/2010
Aw, the racur is worth its weight in gold already D love the lazy snarl.
“He motioned for the other guards to confine the it.” the it?
“They only thing they've got that can't be bought cheaper and of higher-quality else ware” elsewhere?
"Yeah and that big one has a really big axe." Lol!
Though you’ve stated the location in your beginning details bit for ‘crossing the line’, I still think a bit more of an intro line is needed to the first line there?
“Forestwalker Lancaster of the Hunter's Guild and the clan Clan” his clan is really called clan? :D
“He checked over their things” he or she?
And that’s the end… for the moment :( its been a great story, and I’m so envious of your action scenes. Can’t wait til the next part comes out!
| lookingwest chapter 16 . 3/30/2010
First off, as I read the beginning, I like how you incorporated those cultural racism remarks between Lan and the solider, I mean, it's pretty terrible but it's a contemporary sort of idea that's been incorporated into your world and I think it gives it more depth for us to see the different cultures in action and their social scenarios.
Also, kudos, once we get into the marketplace I enjoyed learning about the people of Akkad and their culture even further in regards to the glass-work and mentions of ore-mining. It all seemed to make sound sense and I could easily follow you. I love when Ashnak purchases the glass figurine, I love how he was sort of in awe of it, XD, how slightly vain of him, haha, love it though.
"Our city, our rules! now, you die!"
-Edit: I think "Now" should be capitalized
"Where i come from..."
-Edit: capitalize "I"
"You just wait, when we're finished with him, its your turn."
-Edit: "its" should have an apostrophe
Nice visual with Lan fighting the thugs, I followed the action well-and I always have trouble writing those close-combat scenes myself, so it was cool to see it in a narrative.
Ashnak turned to Lancaster, "more walking?..."
-Edit: "more" should be capitalized
"Forestwalker Lancaster of the Hunter's Guild and the clan Clan?..."
-Should "clan" be written twice?
Hmm, I like the formal paper-work exchange at the end-I thought the end of this in the last part might sound a bit rushed but I think that formal sort of "immigration-paper" idea slowed it down and also provided a good backing for a suitable end. I haven't completed a story on fictionpress in a very, very long time-probably over more than a year, XD, so I'm really happy that I got to see this story to the end. I think it ended well, I wasn't completely sure that it would end so soon but I had hints with Moros's last narrative. It's nice that you sort of end with the main focused characters you started with-it really comes full circle-pardon the pun, haha. The title really does make a ton of sense now, though, and I have to say again, that I really enjoyed this :D I commend you and give you extra million bonus points for finishing a story-it's a hard thing to do, and you did it well :) I'm sorry to have to say goodbye to Lan and Moros :(
| sophiesix chapter 15 . 3/22/2010
Hmm. Ok, well I liked it, so that gives you leave to ignore what I’m going to say next. For a self-proclaimed slow chapter it seemed a bit… rushed.
In the scene with Master Bayarmaa, it felt like she was talking at him, we had minimal insight into his thoughts/reactions here. I think you could break up the bald dialogue with bits of this, eg him frowning, wondering about the various things she’s telling him, at least at the beginning. Towards the end I can see how he’d probly like to keep his thoughts to himself, but, well, it needs something.
Ok, so the rancurs. Very cool addition to the party. Your initial description “they had short, powerful legs and thick, arched backs, but they lacked tails. Their heads were blunt and rounded, like a horse's hoof.” Could be made more powerful by changing the had’s and were’s for verbs. Like; their thick backs arched under the desert sunlight, soaking up its warmth… turned his blunt, rounded head towards the visitors. Lancaster was reminded of a horses hoof with eyes… or something, so its not just a straight pile of blatant description? It still works, because they are pretty damn cool, but yeaah. Up to you.
Second, I wanted more interaction with the rancur. From the amount of interaction we get initially it may as well be dead as they talk above it. Ok that’s harsh. Sorry, my supervisor has made me grumpy. A bicycle, then. Ok, so lizard (type things) don’t do much, but they (especially young ones) keep an eye out (or a nose) for food or predators, they angle into or out of the sun, they size up new objects in their immediate environment… and that sort of thing gives you opportunities to incorporated their description and character into the narrative. It also breaks up the dialogue. You could also out more of Lan’s thoughts/ reactions there, like what about it makes him think to call it spreach?
Other general gripes:
“Moros took a sip. "This is bitter as hell."/"Yes it does.” Yes it is, or else Moros should maybe say this tastes as bitter as hell.
A couple more ‘than’ issue: Lancaster said you were leaving tomorrow morning, until than / "Alright than."
“Let you blood drop” your
I totally didn’t see the split coming, so I agree with Lookie there, sad but exciting!
The opening was awesome, Moros’s characterization perfect, (I miss Ashnak!) the plot interesting, so really, I’m just being grumpy ;) Great stuff.
| lookingwest chapter 15 . 3/22/2010
DA:O-A (Bioware disappointed me for the first time in a while with this one)
-Am I reading that right, Dragon Age: Origins, right? I love that game :S I haven't gotten completely into it yet though, as I've just sort of started and I don't have a very extensive RPG history so I'm still trying to master the many different controls, it's almost overwhelming, XD. Did you not like the story was it just boring?
-Yay! I like that throwback to some common familiar grounds with popular modern culture. First it will be a cup of coffee, then they'll find a Starbucks during their travels in a forest! O:...okay maybe not, but I still found it a fun detail.
"Wha-? Medical tent? Why are you here than?"
-Edit: "than" should be "then"
I like the realism of Moros having to sort of recuperate and everything, including Lancaster's burn wound. I also like the little detail of Moros only being able to really fight defensively and not offensively-that's an interesting concept I would have never thought about. You would think he would be well-rounded, but I suppose like most things, people are better and one thing than another, and I really like that you bring in sort of his flaws, even after he just won a fantastical battle.
'Good, you're up," she said.
-Edit: opening quote for this needs to be a full quote "
"Alright... That's fair, i guess..."
-Edit: "i" needs to be capitalized
Did you come up with the racur creatures all on your own? I like them! Very creative! The whole process with Lancaster getting his own racur was very quick, but I think it works. I sort of expected Lancaster to make a joking comment when Erdene said, "Oh no, follow me..." mysteriously, XD, I thought she was going to reward him with something else entirely, haha.
"Yeah... I guess i am."
-Edit: "i" needs to be capitalized
Aw, the gang's splitting up :( This will be fun though, as I suspect they're going to go on their separate adventures again. At the same time, it's still sort of sad to see them go different ways!
Overall, a nice breather chapter after all of that intense battling going on in the earlier ones! I liked it, and I like the development of the two splitting up, because I didn't see it coming!
| Anise Cary chapter 3 . 3/2/2010
He had a tremendous urge to just stand up and walk out of the class as he usually did, but this time, he was teaching. - Ah have I felt that urge, today as a matter of fact, there's just one class I want to walk out on repeatedly
Normally, the only times students of different grades ever fraternized was in the dorms - hm interesting, ok just my bad mind but still interesting
While he had been enrolled at the age of seven, children were generally not allowed to be enrolled until they were ten - interesting that this was allowed rather than finding him a home until that age, but it seems to be to his benefit, and appears that it could be very intriguing for the story
As for lighting, the ice glowed from within, lit by enchanted blue flames. There was another advantage to the ice, a powerful cryomancer could reshape it, making remodeling easy. - ok now this just sounds really cool
She glared at him, "What do you mean, this time?" - oh ho BUSTED
really liking this so far, will have to come back to read more
| Anise Cary chapter 2 . 3/2/2010
Oh I really enjoyed this chapter. Wanted to just scream when Marduk spoke to Lancaster, doesn't he know better? Why oh why would you speak to someone on a covert mission? And if you were not sent why would you go?
ah ha Summer Solstice festival now that sounds interesting, leaves me wondering what exactly it will mean for him to be and honored guest
ok off to read more
| Anise Cary chapter 1 . 3/2/2010
Ok I really liked the history here. I think it's great that you give the reader the option of skipping it. I chose to read it bc I always like to get as much background on a new world as I can b4 immersing myself in it. You did a great job of keeping it concise and yet interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next in this world.
| lookingwest chapter 14 . 2/28/2010
Wow, I commend you for posting a new chapter up within these two weeks of HTML hell, haha!
"Unconscious, dead, wishing he was, I don't know."
"I didn't... I don't want to kill you, Edward, but-"
-Ah freakin' A! He's back! Ack-this time kill him! I do like that you bring him back though, because it really shows us how Moros does have compassion and he obviously isn't completely this terrible guy-not killing Ed was a very protag thing to do :)
Wow, I think you handled that fight scene wonderfully. I'm always nervous about writing them but your really caught my attention and was brief yet detailed during every move. I especially liked the trick of talking while battling, that was kind of cool.
"Actually," Moros' voice reverberated throughout the area, "I'm behind you."
"Remind me to never do that again," he said before fainting.
-No kidding. Christ, just what this chapter needed, a dragon! I do like how you handle the seriousness of the situation by sort of adding in some humorous snark between Lan and Moros, haha, clever!
As quickly as it began, it was over, the Imperial plan had failed.
Overall, great fight scenes, memorable dialogue and a pretty fast pace that really caught my attention. I didn't find any grammar or spelling errors but I found myself reading more for enjoyment by the time Edward showed up. Again, I can't believe you handled this chapter with HTML restricting you! Well done!
| sophiesix chapter 14 . 2/27/2010
Yet another spectacular fight scene – I love it.
“"There should only be light resistance at our last shrine, we might even be able to help the army with their last one," I’d swap the central comma for a semi colon, or even a full stop.
“"Unconscious, dead, wishing he was, I don't know." Lol!
Arg! Edward! He’s like a friggin bad smell!
In general the fight scene is really clear and well described, but I was surprised when Eddy cut Moros’ arm? I didn’t realise that Moros had crossed the lake by then… must have missed that…
“the fury of blows” the fury of the blows? Of the flurry of blows?
I love how melodramatic Edward is. He’s such an ass. It suits his character perfectly. Ooh nice trick of melting the sword!
“it may protect you from physical hard” harm?
I love how imaginative your fight scenes are… awesome… but bolor? Her leg flies off and no one even blinks? Ok, sure they’ve got their own legs/lives to worry about, but…. Still? Ok wait, hang on, it wasn’t blown off after all? I gotta go back and reread that… hmm, not heaps clear…
“Half-dragging Bolor, Moros climbed the hill to Lancaster's side.” Lol, quite the stone age hero ;)
Though its not a hugely important moment considering the rest of the scene, the part where they deactivate the shrine seems a little quick/sketchy? And um, is anyone gonna give Bolor some first aid for that leg, or was it really a pretty minor gash?
“"If you two are done down there, you might want to know that we're royally screwed," LOl, love it, fantastic tension building.
"What's that thing gonna do?" / "I've no idea." LOL!
“remind me to kill you!" for me, that would be better as a question mark rather than an exclamation mark, to give a drier edge?
“glass-lined crater” love the realistic detail there, niice.
Argh, and yet another cliffy! Bloody Hell!
| zombie chickens chapter 2 . 2/17/2010
I kind of skimmed over the first chapter, so I hope you don't mind since you said at the top that it was, well, skip-able. I may go back and read it though because I am really intrigued by the amount of detail you put into this. When you said the guy was a beastmaster it kind of made me think of that show that used to be one with that guy who went everywhere in his underwear...moving on.. I love the name Lancaster, it's original and catchy like an annoying commercial jungle-only not the annoying part.
Anyway, fun read. I feel kind of bad for the guy who's going to be sent on arrow picking duty (Mean smirk) but I did enjoy reading this.
| sophiesix chapter 13 . 2/15/2010
Cracking dialogue here. Moros and Edvard are great together.
“You see the King of this forsaken land has something going.” XD reminds me of flight of the conchords: “brett you’ve got it going on”
“"That's it bastard, blood rites, now!"” yeah!
“This is going to be interesting; Magi are forbidden from killing each other, but blood rites are to the death." Gee, Lan, could you be any less emotionally involved there? lol. His ‘coolness’ there is hilarious. I’m glad you explain why he’s not concerned though.
More commas please: eg “All is as it should be Moros” , “You've fallen far my friend”
Cool! Fire vs ice!
“"Oh..." Moros stared speechless at the walls.” Uh-oh… :O
Go physics! Stoopid edvard.
Love how no one waits for Ashnak’s little battlecry. The time slow and then the blood lust is awesomely done.
“cleaving the first guardian he came to in half” split-whateveritscalled. Try “cleaving in half the first guardian he came to”?
“"Well, the trail of bodies was a clue." LOl!
great stuff - and another cliffie! :( crank out that next chapter pliz!
| lookingwest chapter 13 . 2/15/2010
Moros was livid. "You mean his authoritarian rule allows him to do whatever he wants."
-I like how your involving politics into the plot and the idea of rule, ect. within the different cultures. I think it's cool, plus this develops Moros's character more, because we get to know his personal views and how passionate he is about them!
Oop, there's the scene I looked at :D Still holding same opinions as before, I like it a lot and seeing it fitting into the larger chapter was great! Wonderful tension-you're good at that ;)
"My only regret is that I might dirty my clothing taking you down."
-Ah! Moros, kick his fucking ass, steal his clothing, and feed it to a bear or T-Rex!
"Oh..." Moros stared speechless at the walls.
-Ack! This is not looking good, but I'm liking how you once again, give Moros a slight disadvantage when he thinks he's at an advantage, makes the reader squirm for realz yo.
Grinning madly, Moros laid a hand against the rock face and sent a heat-banishing shockwave through it.
-:D:D:D:D Yay! Victory! Love the imagery of the "grinning madly"
"Well, the trail of bodies was a clue."
Ah, wonderful perfect ending too. This story has really come a long way and I become more and more immersed and fascinated with your world the more I read. I think you handle battle scenes really well, and that's super refreshing. Looking forward to more!