|Reviews for Proof Of My Existance|
| idontwannapopuponsearchengine2 chapter 1 . 10/31/2010
Uh...faithless Juliet. Are you serious? Wow, I'm guessing that in order to be able to say that, you must be someone that has no idea what it's like to feel this way. "Exploring the concept"? What? Sounds to me like this person is talking about themselves and their own personal experiences. What is so cliched about speaking your mind? Oh...I guess it's seem cliched to someone who knows nothing about what it's like to feel this way.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 2 . 1/1/2010
Rhythm: There was definitely rhythm in this piece, and understandable that it’s a song as well, I think you worked really well with you had here. I could almost hear the actual beat, and I read it the way that I think you meant for it to be read, so really good job with that.
Cliched: I have to say that the piece was shatteringly clichéd - and that’s not to say that I didn’t feel or understand what you were saying. The idea of cutting has been used and overused by so many people so much in the past. I think the best way to do it would be to describe the cutting without actually saying to the reader: “okay, I‘m going to go cut now,” it just feels to easy considering that the subject is so strong.
Descriptions/Images: I could really get a strong since of place in your narrative. I could see the dark rooms of her group home, the clustering of beds, the noises, and the fight breaking out, I could even image what the ‘staff’ was doing, so you really set up a prominent aspect of time and place. I think your ending section (after the chorus) was stronger in that respect then the first. Although in the first you spend more time dealing with the emotions of your subject, whereas in the end it’s flipped.
Enjoyment: I enjoyed the personal level that you brought into this. Yes, it was clichéd, but most subjects nowadays are, so it’s ultimately hard for me to slight you on it. Like I said though, I enjoyed the personal connection to this subject, I could feel for her, and you did a good job at writing her so that she wasn’t pathetic or neurotic to the reader, she is existed, like most of us in real life do anyway.
Keep up the good work,
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 12/31/2009
“Wiper the tears from my eyes” - maybe you meant ‘wipe’?
I like your song; I think you show a lot of newer and creative angles to your narration. I liked the line about not wanting to go to hell because you were a soldier; it was very strongly linked with the prevalence of culture in our society.
Some of your lyrics were a bit generic and overused. Some of them didn’t feel original to me. And how you started the piece with “Dear god, are you there?” It just felt others had done something similar in the past, and even though that’s the vibe of your whole piece, maybe if you started it with something stronger, and then edged into that it would have made the piece stand more firmer on it’s own two feet. Keep up the good work.
| vitriolicvermilion chapter 2 . 12/30/2009
First of all, I'd like to say that I liked your very accurate portrayal of self-injury. I've been there and it's nice to see someone who is very candid about it and neither romanticizes it nor understates its power.
The flow of this poem I found to be good. When I heard it in my head, I felt that it went very well. If I may ask, is it a song (and if so, what kind) or is it a rap? I could feel it both ways.
Your word choice was very well-suited to the piece. It was (as mentioned earlier) very candid. You didn't use a lot of fancy words, but this poem didn't really need it.
The imagery was also very good. I could see the images in my mind's eye quite well and it was very vivid.
I really, really enjoyed this poem. The last stanza/verse? especially spoke to me, the feelings were so accurate at finding someone to make you feel less alone. The entire poem had a way about it that I found very appealing.
Good job. (:
| HiddenFromYou chapter 18 . 12/30/2009
The content of this poem was very powerful. I liked it because I could relate with it a lot.
The rhythm and rhyming scheme were spot on and I could tap out a beat to the song that sounded completely natural. Good song!
| HiddenFromYou chapter 3 . 12/29/2009
This was about a tough subject, and I liked how easily you seemed to convey your meanings. I was overcome by a sense of unfairness that the character's family would act like they did, and I expect that was what you were going for.
It felt kind of jumpy though when you put in:
You could have easily just put in the words, and it certainly would have been smoother.
I also didn't like the lack of closer. Yes, she ran away, got away, but most songs have more than 2 verses, and I think that's something you should look to add.