|Reviews for A bitter taste of reconciliation|
| Your-Magpie chapter 1 . 7/25/2010
The opening was really intriguing. However, I think you rushed into the lengthy dialogue too quickly, unless Ginny is that type of character to rush into things- in which case I'd suggest saying a sentence about that.
I liked the dialogue tags- they fitted really well with the speaking, and unusually, i could imagine how the characters said it, i could really see them. However (and same comment about if reason is because of Ginny also applies) the short sentences in Ginny's dialogue really put me off. Even people talking have variety in their words. It was interesting how you didn't write using italics for emphasis, but that when i read it, i knew how they were saying it.
You must have been studying people's conversations really well!
I thought it was nice how you outlined Rowan's appearance a 1/3 of the way through- almost as if to Ginny she wasn't even bothered about looking at her/thinking of how she looked, only the conversation mattered. It declutters your writing and brings so much clarity, thinking like how the character would- something i should work on!
The bluntness of describing how Dylan was shot was really powerful. Emotive word, shot, really when you think about it...
The part about 'They were both doctors' sounds awfully tacked on- is there not another way to show this. Maybe say 'Ginny brought her eyes to her photograph of her and her fellow healers'. If not, un-capitalizing Or would make another difference.
Because this is a one shot, i think the different names are too much. The only people i can really picture are Dylan, Ginny and Rowan. There's been about four other names, and it's hard to remember them- so either compromise them into the same character/s or flesh them out a bit more- give a face to the name.
I think that the part where Ginny finds out Rowan was pregnant isn't shocked enough. Untagged and sounds casual.
I really liked the line about Ginny crying as if someone had forgot to turn the water off. Lovely take on the old phrase.
Good ending, simple, positive, changing.
Overall, I liked this piece and the only thing I think put me off if anything was the vagueness of people. It could have had a bit more description/action, but writer's are different, and it's clear you show things better through dialogue.
Congrats in the Review Game, best luck for next time!
| MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 7/24/2010
First off congratulations on winning the July WCC! :D
The opening was good. It pinned the main characters and the setting right away, so it worked well.
I liked the scenes between the two principal characters. Their earlier friendship was apparent, but the jumbled memories made it a bit confusing:
The broken bones and the twisted ankles and all those silences when Ginny asked where does it come from, Row? What happened to you? And all those ushered confidences. It's only one year, Ginny. It's six months, Ginny. In six months I'll be eighteen. In six months I'll be free.
- This is a bit confusing. It is apparent that Rowan has been abused, and hence she is fragile. You can try italicizing this part, so that it stands out in the narrative and helps Rowan's character.
Characters and Relationships:
I like the portrayal of the characters. First is Gin, who is quite strong, yet hung up for a guy who left her for her friend. Second is Rowan, a girl who has been abused, and totally opposed to the stereotypical 'boyfriend-snatcher'. This is what sets the piece apart, I think. And third is Dylan, who looms on the conversation, the reason for the strained friendship. And even though he was the one who had dumped Gin in the first -place, instead of feeling angry at him, one tries to understand him. (I thought it a bit uncharacteristic of a person to dump a girl out of the blue and then go out with her friend - maybe some realisation of impending estrangement on Gin's part would have been helpful.)
Plot and Pace:
The piece flows smoothly, but it could have been lengthened.
It was an interesting piece overall. But something more about her mother's funeral would have been helpful.
| bunny.one.three chapter 1 . 7/17/2010
Okay! Please pardon any incoherency, if there is any.
Opening is good. It was not excellent (I'm sure you can do better), but good enough. Immediately gives the reader an idea of how the story will go.
I really love how you wrote the characters. They were just bursting with emotion and feelings. I especially liked the part where Ginny found out Rowan had a son. It wasn't surprising, but I enjoyed Ginny's reaction.
And I found some spelling mistakes, but they weren't too big. If you have time, though, it would help to edit a few lines here to make it look more finished.
I"m kind of glad about the relationships between the characters. There may be a hint of cliche in it but it really feels natural and credible.
Ending was satisfying. How do I explain... Ginny grew stronger, emotionally. It seemed like it. This kind of ending gives off an optimistic vibe. I admit it did ended a bit too abruptly.
It's a great story, and it has potential.
| Lea Ai chapter 1 . 7/15/2010
[Relationships] – I think the relationship between Ginny and Rowan worked well for two women who used to be best friends, but who haven’t spoken in 15 years. It had the right amount of intimate knowledge of who the other person was. As a character flaw, I think Ginny was a little immature, but there are people out there who hold grudges so I felt it was realistic to have her react the way she did.
[Technique] - “when Ginny asked where does it come from, Row? What happened to you? And all those ushered confidences. It's only one year, Ginny. It's six months, Ginny. In six months I'll be eighteen. In six months I'll be free.”— I think you were going for a kind of jumbled memory feel here, but it was sort of hard to follow the train of thought. This would have been easier to understand if you would have put single quotations around the past conversations, or at least italicized them...actually, italics would probably be my choice... [when Ginny asked, ‘where does it come from, Row? What happened to you?’ And all those ushered confidences. ‘It’s only one year, Ginny.’ ‘It’s six months, Ginny. In six months, I’ll be eighteen. In six months, I’ll be free.’]
[Spelling/Grammar] – There were no major spelling errors that I caught, but there were a few word choices that should be corrected. I wasn’t really looking for these, so there may be more, but these were the few that stood out to me:
"What are you doing there?"…” You have no right to be there.”—should be “here”
“While Ginny had already some grey”—I think this would sound better if it were “already had”
“Ginny and Duncan were no more”—should this be Dylan? Or are you introducing a new character here?
“Turned out he had zero problems in the mental department, he just pay next to no attention to his surroundings.”—should be “paid”
[Other] - “But there was one thing she had thought too: that if Dylan died, Rowan would be so shattered that she would kill herself.”—this seemed like an odd thought for someone to have who just lost their boyfriend to their best friend. I think this would better fit up when she first found out about Dylan’s death...before she finds out about her son. A random thought about how: “Rowan was stronger than she’d thought—she always imagined that if Dylan died, Rowan would be so shattered…”
[Writing] – Overall, I felt your writing style was excellent. You described what we needed and left the rest to our imagination.“All that was missing was Felicia's humming and the permanent, overpowering odor of flowers that had seemed to haunt the house.”—great line! Really set the scene well and I love it when authors add in a random smell to enhance the imagery :-D.
Side note: Congratulations on your WCC win! :-D
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/19/2009
This was a great situation and everything, so it really kept my attention evenly throughout. I did think it was strange that this woman, Ginny, was still so upset about something that happened so long ago and was over it and it just kind of makes me frustrated for her, because I feel like she could have moved on, much like her friend did-but she didn't, she just kept thinking about it, so it invoked some frustration on my part. I also think you kept things moving nicely for a short short story and you did start in medis res with it-in the middle of things-so that was a really great job...the mixing of the narration with the dialogue was also pretty even, and I didn't catch any mistakes but then again, I never look for them while on fictionpress. I also thought it was a nice twist to add that they were doctors and the whole way he died, that was really exciting and kept my interest.
from the review marathon (link in my profile)
| Zak Crimsonleaf chapter 1 . 11/30/2009
Well, I liked the theme of reconciliation through shared grief, which, I think, is something most people can relate to, though in a way that's unfortunate. You handled it fairly well. Though one thing I didn't care for was the flow of the story. It seemed a bit off-putting at times, along with some details that didn't quite mesh well. As far as a one-shot story, though, it wasn't too bad.
| Mizzuz Spock chapter 1 . 11/29/2009
A few mistakes:
1) "I thought we were friend," is missing an "s".
2) “How… When? I mean, why did no one told me?” There's a confusion of wording here.
Overall, I felt this was a good piece. This story is depressing, and I feel Ginny is a great main character. I really enjoyed the dialogue between Ginny and Rowan and that subtle suspicion in their reunion and newly developing relationship. I felt there was a bit of info-dumping going on, but nothing that was annoying. It actually worked in this case.
One thing I really didn't like was the sudden jump from the funeral to Ginny's kitchen. It was so abrupt that I was lost for a second. Maybe show what happened in between, maybe how they got there?
Lovely ending, though, with Ginny's decision. It really brought the piece together.
Good job. :]