|Reviews for PT Floor 6|
| Feblinhoi-BattlefieldOfTheDead chapter 1 . 8/5/2010
This is really good Chris!
You're writing style is amazing, and I didn't even realise you wrote. XD
It's a bit late, but I'm going to come back and read the other chapters XP
| Skylark1 chapter 2 . 7/26/2010
I'm... confused by this story. Chapter 1 is full of pseudo-techno jargon and cryptic terms like "Lights of Vein", and I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out what's going on. I get that Chris has made some kind of computer game called Platform Tower, and I'm assuming that the 'floors' are like game levels? But then why do they just jump to level 6 instead of starting at level one?
I feel like you haven't set up the background of this story very well. For a start, I have no idea where Chris got his sophisticated technology from that he makes his game with. When he's in the 'real world', it sounds like it's a regular school on Earth with no unusual technology - so where does this technology come from? Does Chris live in a ultra-futuristic world? A slightly futuristic world? Our own Earth? An alternate dimension that is like Earth but with holograms? Heck, is it even technology? It could be magic, for all I know. I really have no idea!
Also, how does Chris make the game? Is he a child genius with computers? Even if he IS a genius, where does he get his equipment from? I mean, the materials he needs must be awfully expensive and rare, right? Are his parents mega-rich, or what? Or is the story set in a world where everyone has access to this technology and it's something that anyone can do? Also, you say that holograms sometimes come through from the game into the real world. How is this possible? Is it normal for them to do this? Or is it just something that happens to Chris? And WHY do the holograms come through? Are they malfunctioning? On the run from the law in hologram-world? Tourists, even?
Who is Chris? He's the main character, but all I know about him is that he goes to school (I don't even know what grade) and makes computer games. What's his personality like? What does he look like? What kind of family does he have? Why does he like computer games? And the same goes for his friends. I know nothing at all about Zoe and Burch except what powers they like! What are their hobbies and talents? What do they look like? Why are they Chris' friends? So far, you've told me NOTHING. To use gaming terminology, they act like faceless NPCs.
Why does Chris keep his portal secret? Is this technology forbidden? Or will his classmates be tempted to steal it? Is he the inventor of this technology (and if so, why the heck doesn't he sell his invention for untold millions)? Does the school just have rules against playing computer games while on campus? I really think you need to explain this, or at least hint that an explanation will be given later in the story. At the moment, you aren't providing any reason for anything that happens. I'm afraid that, without any detail or explanation, your story simply makes no sense.
I also wish you had included more information about the names the characters are throwing around. "Lights of Vein" is a perfect example, because in context it sounds like it's supposed to be a unit of time, but it makes absolutely no sense to me. What on earth IS a 'Lights of Vein'? I had no idea what you meant by it. And Chris refers to minutes as well, so are "Lights of Vein" the units of time in the game only? Are they even units of time at ALL? And "Pin psych"? Come on, seriously, I can't understand this. It's frustrating!
Your characters are throwing around frequent references to what I assume are levels or characters in the Platform Tower, but you haven't explained any of them (except the town, and then only briefly). To me, they may as well be complete gibberish, because I have no idea what they refer to. In your summary, you mention that you include references to things that already exist as games, so are they real? Because I don't play many computer games. Even if I did, the chances that I would play the exact same ones as you and know all the exact same references are EXTREMELY small. There are a LOT of games out there! In other words, it comes across as nonsense to me. If you referenced something very popular that everyone's heard of (like Harry Potter or Twilight, for example) it might be different. But even then, there are many people who haven't read those books. So, again, I have no idea what the characters are talking about most of the time. I think this is quite detrimental - how can I enjoy a story when I don't even understand what I'm reading?
It actually looks to me like this is a sequel to another story, because you seem to assume that your readers are just going to know what your characters are talking about without any explanation. Sometimes sequels can get away with this, if readers are supposed to have read the previous story first. If it IS a sequel, you should state in your summary what the previous story is, so that your readers will know to go back and read it first and therefore be able to understand what's going on.
Another thing I notice is that your first chapter is in first-person perspective, but your second chapter is in third-person perspective. Again, this makes the story more confusing to readers. Is there a reason for the change of perspective? If not, I think you should just decide on which one you prefer and use it for the whole story. If there IS a reason, you should indicate why! Yet again, it just seems to happen for no reason at the moment.
In short, I think this story needs a great deal of work. In particular, you need to focus a lot more on your plot, because it currently isn't much more than 'let's fight enemies with magic powers so we can fight the boss enemy'. To me, that's boring to read, and I'm not really interested in reading more. I suggest putting in some meaningful conflict, explaining the technology/magic/setting behind the game by answering at least a couple of the questions I asked earlier (very important), and taking out most of the obscure references that ordinary people like me aren't going to 'get' without a PhD in computer games. Also, you need to tell us a lot more about your characters.
There are several areas in your story I think have *loads* of potential, such as the nature of the Platform Tower game, Chris' history with computer programming, and the relationship between it and the real world. However, you haven't actually discussed any of these so far. Getting into fights with computer characters might also seem cool in theory, but repeated fights aren't very interesting to read about if they happen for no reason like these do.
This turned out to be a very long review! I'm sorry it had to be so negative. However, I hope my comments will be helpful to you if you want to improve your writing. I especially encourage you to write more about *why* things happen, rather than just *what* happens, and give the story a lot more detail. That's all for now.