|Reviews for Into The Night|
| LDF chapter 1 . 2/20
Pardons for the late review, but I recently discovered this story. Hope it comes in handy.
[“Morning baby.” She croons, a bright smile lighting up her pretty face.]
If there’s a speech verb, it’s not considered the start of a new sentence, so there shouldn't be a period inside the quotes and ‘she’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
[I shrugged, keeping my hands firmly planted in my pockets, not wanting her to get the wrong idea. Although I knew it had gone too far to remedy that situation.]
Honestly, all I’m seeing from him are excuses and he’s overall a jerk towards her. So he admits in the beginning that he slept with her and messed her up and it doesn’t even seem like he apologized or anything. Then here, instead of talking it out like adults, he just ignores her as he lights up a cigarette and thinks she’s so naïve that they would ever work out.
...and then he sleeps with her even though he doesn't really like her and is just using her for sex (the 'I was damaging her more and more, every time I brought her back here' comment), and the closing line is totally damming towards him as well.
The Russian spies/not spies conflict is interesting, but I honestly can't stomach the main character. He's a bit of an ass.
| Guest chapter 2 . 6/25/2011
I really liked this chapter, I think it progresses the story very well and I like how the character of Jake develops :)
I thought this sentence was a bit too wordy and long but it'd be easy to shorten :) : ""North?" I was shaking now, the result of the weed and the paranoia that came with it, heightened because of my confusion and lack of understanding about what was going on."
There are a couple of bits I think you could cut out, as when you've written: "Instinct took over and" and the bracketted "as usual" in the sentence "As I lay back in my bed, smoking (as usual)".
I'd just watch out for a few cliched sentences such as:
(When Jake is thinking about Clara) "to protect her and heal her. It's what she needed, what she deserved."
"I could not die, not like this, not now."
"They could die without living."
Chuck glanced sideways at me, still focusing on the road with an eyebrow raised. "Never been one for sentimentality have you Jake."
"I guess not. But this close to death..." - Jake's speech here sounds a bit melodramatic, it's understandable that he'd be scared but the words themselves don't really seem to fit with the character of Jake in my opinion.
Also, I think it jumps a bit too quickly to Chuck and Jake believing they might die, I know in the last chapter Jake mentions that it's been on the news for a few weeks but going from Jake being unsure of what is going on to wondering if he'll even survive within the same chapter is a bit sudden.
They don't seem to question why the British government hasn't done more to stop this or why America would let Russia drop nuclear bombs on them without at least threatening Russia back like they did in the Cold War which seems a bit strange, unless that is mentioned in the next chapter?
Overall, I think this was a great chapter and I really enjoyed it, I thought it progressed really well from the first chapter :)
| Sophie Windle chapter 1 . 6/25/2011
For the first chapter I thought this intoduced everyone, especially Jake, really well and it's definietly leading somewhere exiciting :)
I'm not sure about the beginning up until "The train came to a stop" though, I understand why it's there but I don't think you need it because you hint at everything it says later (especially with Clara and Jake not liking his job) and it would make Jake a bit more mysterious.
Also, a bit later on Jake thinks "I frankly, did not care" but you then show him not caring by turning on his music so I don't think that bit is needed.
The bit where it says "One with the crowd we moved off" doesn't really make sense, should it be 'As one the crowd moved off'?
Also, when Clara appears the tense changes to present and then goes back to past when Jake then speaks.
I'd maybe change the word "milling" when you've put "a couple of people milling around the water container" - it makes it sound as though the people are care-free and bored instead of worried.
There's a couple of typos with "Within days they'd been taking into custody" - should be taken.
And "She turned to gaze at his, and nodded, very, very slowly. "Yeah." - should be him.
I didn't really get the bit where it says "The fear is that Russia may possess nuclear weapons..." - because Russia does possess nuclear weapons.
Overall, I really liked it and I'm looking forwrad to how it all develops :)
| Frayling0 chapter 17 . 3/13/2011
It's been a long time! I loved the ending section! You portrayed Jake's torment really well, I liked how at least he feels a pang of guilt for how he's treated some girls. Madison was pretty awesome lol! The final section is both awesome and chilling, looks like things can only get worse... Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 16 . 2/21/2011
Gosh it's been a while, can't believe I neglected this story! It was a great read from start to finish. I loved their use of the pub and its free facilities, before everything spiralled out of control with Jake and Chuck. I could see that coming! So the two sections are beginning to intertwine somewhat? I wonder about Daniel... hmm me and my suspicions haha! Great work as always! Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 15 . 2/8/2011
Collie :D Only my fave breed of dog. (Sorry for that random interjection). I have a feeling this journey is going to be fraught with danger for Jake and co. It's not going to be simple is it? Loved the emotions in the second section, they felt very sincere. I hope the dog stays with Jake and co. A pub... hm... they can always steal a few drinks if no one's around ;) Mercy's rag-tag band have been through the wars haven't they... here's hoping there's a bit of hope left for them. Ultimately, I liked how this chapter felt quite positive. Great work, look forward to reading more soon! Luke, Roadhouse
| Frayling0 chapter 14 . 1/25/2011
I liked the fact we got some memories at the start of this chapter - you have a talent to always leave some room for development. Your characters always seem to have another memory or anecdote that really fleshes them out. There were some real emotions there... guilt clearly being the prevalent one ;) But once again, really well done. The last scene was interesting, those two lines at the end were kind of somewhere between confusion and shock. Strange reasoning for not becoming a vet, but I guess that sums up what kinda guy he is haha. Great work as always, gripping and engaging. Luke, Roadhouse
| Frayling0 chapter 13 . 1/17/2011
Another chapter! Wow, the initial scene was certainly striking, I think the fact a thirteen year old was holding a gun left the biggest effect on me. The conversation about love was interesting, clearly an ironic topic here... Definite plot developments here, can't wait to see what happens next! Great work! Luke, Roadhouse
| Frayling0 chapter 12 . 1/13/2011
Some late night reading... great chapter! I like this exploration of the 'outside' world - nice to see what's going on elsewhere. Poor Jake, I can't wait to see the outcome of this. Great work as always. Luke. P.S, for future reference, I've re-started Tranquil Dawn in a separate file. I felt my writing wasn't as good as it should have been.
| Frayling0 chapter 11 . 1/8/2011
Great chapter as always! The aftermath was great, a tint of madness for Jake there, but I'm glad Chuck is in on their little secret. So many unanswered questions, gah! I promise to review again as soon as my swathes of uni work have depleted haha! Awesome work! Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 10 . 12/28/2010
I love the first paragraph, made me do a little LOL. The conversation between mother and son was just right. There's an obvious closeness, a love, but the laugh at the end created the thin line of distance between an eighteen year old and their mother. Poor Jake :( The second section was great, but the last line gave me a chill. ("I'm not scared!" She crossed her arms, raising her chin up. "I'm not a 'scared of anything!") - foreshadowing? Portents of what's to come? I'll read more soon, great work. Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 9 . 12/24/2010
I loved the opening, the first line is so simple but such a hook! Jake's section was really good, and I liked how you ended it with the traditional 'fade to black' scene... lust seems to be an emotion you focus on within your stories (this isn't a complaint at all, Darrya in my story Time of Kings was a VERY lustful character aha!) The italic section is coming along nicely, I'm feeling the plot movement. Can't wait to read more, as ever - great work! Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 8 . 12/13/2010
All my uni work for 2010 at least seems to be out of the way, so I'm getting down to lots more reading! Once again, loving the scraps of back story that flesh out your characters (referring to the little section about music) and also add to the effect of what's going on - when he questions whether he'll play the drum again, the idea of normality disintegrating is reinforced for the reader - kudos for this skilful trick! I like the idea of Jake being haunted by what he saw - must have been a shock! The ending scene was just beautiful, as with all the italic scenes, they are touched with a sense of dream-like mystery for me. They compliment and juxtapose with Jake's plot really well. Great work as always, hopefully I'll be able to read some more really soon! Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 7 . 12/11/2010
Wow, I actually found this pretty intense and scary, my eyes were glued to the screen throughout haha! So the attack had some pretty nasty effects, I have a feeling this is only going to get worse until your cast is fighting for survivals - jeez I love zombie movies, this is going to be so cool! Sorry this is a bit of a "wow, amazing x" sort of review, but I'm pretty pooped from work to write anything worthwhile. As always though, your writing is highly enjoyable and I can't wait for more as this story takes a much darker reaction :) Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 6 . 12/6/2010
I love the insignificance his degree now holds in the 'new world' we seem to be approaching. I think that's a really interesting theme to explore, that Chuck is just biologically a better pick. I also liked Chloe's helplessness, I could feel for her. So the section at the end... I wonder who it's about? I'm sure these strands will all become clearer soon enough. As always there's a real sense of foreboding in your writing, great work, pretty sure the stuff's gonna hit the fan soon enough! Luke