|Reviews for Into The Night|
| lookingwest chapter 6 . 11/26/2010
From the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
Oh! Geez, silly me, thinking it was a flashback and everything, sorry about that. Hmm...okay, then what I would do is either divide them by chapters, kind of how I did with INSIWB...but since that's so short, then I would instead just put a page breaker in between each one, and if you do switch in the middle of one chapter, I really do think it's necessary to put the name of the character after the page break just to help us out a little. You don't have to say "Mercy's POV" but you could just say "Mercy" and then continue-William Faulkner did the exact same thing in his novel As I Lay Dying and it worked out really well for him too, XD. I know where you're coming from about not wanting to put the POV stuff in though, it's a big challenge when everything is narrated in first person though.
Wow, love the first sentence observation, I would have even thought of that concerning the boredom aspect, so I think that's a great example of thinking out of the box and being really realistic by approaching the boredom.
Cool experimental POV shifts for sure, I like that you went back to Jake's for a moment before getting into the third person-but is the third person narrating anyone in particular that's part of the cast or just a new person who hasn't been introduced yet? That threw me off a bit. Now that I know where you're heading though I think it's cool to approach this whole ordeal from multiple perspectives because it's almost like chaos within the structure of the story after the bombs and everything happens-it's like it literally starts to break apart, and that's pretty cool!
I thought it was funny when Jake started thinking about his attributes as an available man for Chuck, it added some humor and kind of showcased where his mind wanders when he's being bored, so I think it also managed to add some dimension to his character development.
| lookingwest chapter 5 . 11/26/2010
From the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
With the italicized section there, you did start with the html format of the "i" and end on the slash "i", so if you ever come back to edit, just letting you know those are there and can be omitted.
You know what's really scary about this story right now in 2010? XD, I just heard yesterday that South Korea and North Korea were attacking one another and China was trying to diffuse the situation and there was something about nuclear missiles being launched D: The whole Russia/America thing reminds me of that...
So the italics are flashbacks, right? Or is it more of a flash-forward? I was a little confused there but regardless I think you paced well with the action and I liked the disorientation that was happening with what had happened to the ceiling because it fit the horror of the conflict and how realistically I think someone would react to it. I also loved the slip into the Welsh accent, that was well done and you integrated it well by integrating it into the italicized sections.
I also liked the developments and description with the radio because it offered a solid foundation for the italicized parts that played a big role in this chapter. Per usual, the entire suspense aspect is building like crazy-I can't wait to see what happens when all hell breaks loose, or at least which surprise you've got in store for us, XD.
| Frayling0 chapter 5 . 11/24/2010
Wow, it certainly was different. I liked the parts in italics, very blatant foreshadowing I presume? But I love it... I want to know how we get there. The chapter itself was fine, crisp succinct dialogue and the usual grittiness, but the italics parts were the highlight. More please! :) ~ Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 4 . 11/22/2010
A new character :) One of the major things I loved about this chapter were the little asides in brackets, it made the whole thing more realistic and helped to flesh out characters past. The panic and fear is growing amongst the cast, and you can feel it, it's awesome :) This was a good bridge, and I'm hoping for more focus on the overarching plot next. Great work! ~ Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 3 . 11/16/2010
Chuck's such a rebel ;) I really feel the characters fear near the beginning of this chapter - fear of the 'unknown'. You portray it really well through realism and dialogue. I like the idea of equine flu, a play on real life events I think, and how this is going to be twisted into something terrifying. Great, gripping work as always! ~ Luke
| lookingwest chapter 4 . 11/7/2010
iBack at school they never told us what we needed to know...
-Edit: take out the "i" and "/i" formatting there with this sentence
Besides that one typo this chapter read pretty smooth. I think my favorite part of it was definitley Madison. I loved her entrance with the tunnel, that was almost creepy the way you described it in that paragraph, and I loved her dialogue. I could really hear an accent there and some of her words were really well chosen, it was just well done-stuff I don't even see in Minor Talent, so I loved that flair with her character. Liked the moment when they all decided to start talking about something different to distract them-he was wise to do that, for sure. The little memory about his mother really took things back and did a reality check after the Madison meeting too-I liked the placement of it. And it ended on that aire about his family too, so I thought it was cool how it came full circle, and all in all it was a fulfilling ending and a chapter that introduced a lot of great conversation in such a tense setting and plot! Just wondering too, are you doing Nanowrimo this year?
| Frayling0 chapter 2 . 10/31/2010
Has Clara's family over reacted, or is something devastating in the works? "I munched, I smoked, I drank." - preparing for the end of the world haha? I love the sense of urgency coming from Chuck, I definitely felt that choking sensation inside me when you just know the brown stuff's gonna hit the fan soon! So they're leaving Cardiff and getting away but something tells me they're not going to be safe - this is a story after all! Great work, characters are being fleshed out, and the plots starting to move. Hold on tight, this is gonna be one hell of a ride I think! ~ Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 1 . 10/21/2010
I did the Cold War in A Level History! Scary stuff for Clara here... this really echoes the tensions of that time. The scene at the end was blunt, but I suppose realistic. Haha, he thinks the worlds gonna end tomorrow, so screw hurting her. I hope he regrets that, not a great action to take. I await reading more and finding out what Russia is going to do :O
| drazer434 chapter 6 . 10/19/2010
I think that maybe the multiple POV's here ruin the suspense and horror that could've been built up by having us as the readers as clueless as the people in the bunker. Because we know there's people outside it loses a lot of the emotion that it could've had. On the plus side you've handled the POV changes really well, and manage to inject the person's distinct personality into your writing voice, which is excellent. I still think that it would probably be better to lose the POV changes, because, even though they show us the horror that the people are feeling, it does kinda ruin it I think.
The part with Jake thinking about who Madison would choose to breed with was pretty funny to me, and I think that maybe ruins the serious, tense atmosphere that you were otherwise building up. But I suppose guys think about stuff like that. Jake does have really low self esteem as well, which makes it kind of hard to root for me. As I read it I was thinking 'grow a backbone man.'
Overall an interesting chapter to read, but the POV thing is probably something you could work on.
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 9/15/2010
I found the final mention of 28 Days a bit out of place, just because the film would have been made so long ago-still, I love that movie, XD, so it could be considered a huge classic by then. I just found it a bit indulgent to mention because this story seems to come a bit from it's influence in a way. Alright though, otherwise, another good chapter. I liked that Jake is with Chuck and we get to learn more about Chuck's background when they get to the base. I almost expected the bombs to drop at the end of the chapter, so I think you did a fantastic way of building up and holding that suspended tension. I think I'm starting to sympathize more with Jake as a character, especially when he mentioned his relationship with his parents and how he had hoped to find them. I'm sad he couldn't find them-I have a feeling this won't end well, but it definitley makes me want to read more.
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 9/15/2010
The news that Clara gave our narrator, her lover, about her moving around the world didn't get the sort of reaction I felt would make it real. Jake doesn't seem that bothered by being separated from her, and I didn't get any sense of a passion, even in friendship, that the two had. I thought it was weird that everyone took the news of her leaving so nonchalantly, but I guess that's also what comes into factor about their environment, people moving in these types of situations must happen a lot, so maybe no one in the story really get attached to friends or lovers like a reader would generally expect based on Western culture.
"Well, it is my belief that Russia may have weapons of a nuclear nature. But not to cause alarm..."
-Haven't we known for sure that Russia has nuclear capabilities since 2007? Could be wrong, maybe they got rid of them for awhile, XD.
...understanding about what was going on.
-Style Edit: could change "going on" to "happening"
I don't feel enough panic here, and I think that's due to Chuck's calmness about the situation, even he came across a bit bored with it, while Jake was the right amount of freaked out. I really liked though, when Jake woke up and they were milling around that McDonalds, I got a great sense of the panic then, and a really surrealist serene moment. I think there was the right amount of scariness there, XD, a good balance, especially with the repetition about how it could possibly be their last day living.
| drazer434 chapter 5 . 9/12/2010
I really liked the new plot thread you have here, even if it was a bit confusing. I have to admit I did think it was a flash back or something at first, but it soon became obvious what you were talking about. I think that adds an excellent extra part to the story. Being under ground they would have no idea about the actual bombs themselves dropping, and the effects it has on the people there, and by showing that it adds a creepiness.
Again your grammar and spelling is excellent, and the emotions you portray are realistic. Another good chapter.
| drazer434 chapter 4 . 9/12/2010
Argh, I'd just finished a really long review before my computer cut out and I lost it all. So I'm trying to start again, but I can't promise that it'll be as long and thorough as before.
One thing I think you've done really well in this chapter is to portray the emotions of the characters, and portray it realistically. It helps flesh out your characters and makes them believable and easy to empathise with. I also think the sense of desperation and fear has been done extremely realistically, very similar to how a real person would act in a similar situation. It also helps that your characters are all real people; they don't have super powers or any especially heroic traits. They're just normal, which is great.
I also haven't found any grammer or spelling mistakes at all, which is impressive as you wrote it for NaNoWriMo. However, one criticism I would make is that it seems to lack a bit of depth. All the details given are a bit vague, of course that could be intentional, but I didn't get impression that it was. It seems almost like the nuclear war is happening just for the sake of the story and has no real reason for it. Obviously because of the nature of your story it needs the nuclear war to happen, but I think it would be better if there was some good political reason for it.
But apart from a good chapter.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 9/7/2010
I've still owed you for VATR and Liana (Lianoid) mentioned to me that this was a good read so I'm here to check it out!
Oh man, I've never even attempted NaNoWriMo, are you going to give it a go this year? Kudos to you for actually finishing it!
Ah, I like that I'm reading your writing from a male narrator here, since we don't get that with Minor Talent. This is pretty cool, I like the ease in which you dive into the story-I'm sure you know what you're talking about, and the way that you convey the ease with the character conversation and how its carried is pretty refreshing too, great flow!
If anything for a critical angle, you tend to end a lot of the dialogue in periods, and I think in some places you could use commas. Not a big deal though, just more observational, if you ever come back to this and do some editing again.
Wow, nice integration of the sci-fi and the rising amount of panic in the characters. I wasn't expecting that but you definitley handled it with a care that made it convincing. This was a cool first chapter and a deviation from the genre of Minor Talent, I think-I like seeing the diversity!
| Daggerstone chapter 24 . 9/1/2010
I've started by nitpicking my way through your Chapter 1, but realized you might prefer an overall review of the piece. So, here goes...
Your strongest point are your character voices - they're a rather believable bunch, and you pull off the whole multiple POV thing quite well. No edits there, especially as there's a sequel I'm yet to comb through for background info. I even liked your dog, for Pete's sake, and I'm definitely NOT a dog person!
Not as convinced about the plot, though... Whereas the action parts are interesting enough, what IS the driving conflict here? The story starts with an unexplained apocalypse (A nuclear war between US and Russia? Really?) and ends with everyone simply walking away, completely unruffled psychologically... except for Mercy, of course. How come no one else is changed by the entire (rather traumatic) ordeal?
Others have already pointed out a number of plotholes, so I will not venture there this time; a round or two of solid editing will get you rid of most of those, anyway. You already have the talent, it's the technical bits you need to brush up on... and do mind those commas, girl! lol
All in all, it's a rather promising draft for part 1 of a series. And I WILL be visiting "Back to Hell" as soon as the circumstances allow. ;)