|Reviews for Missing Freight|
| Dragon made me do it chapter 1 . 6/6/2011
Once it got to the child in the box, I couldn't help but think about asylum seekers stowing away in hangars and sometimes even dying in there.
I also couldn't help but think that if the boy was not white and called 'Sam', and for that matter a child, they would have treated him differently.
I think it is difficult not to expect that once they discovered it was a child, they would not even speculate that it wasn't an asylum seeker. It has received a fair amount of media attention.
I quite liked the way you unexpectedly made the child very calm about the situation. I think sometimes this actually happens with children, because they don't always either see dangers, or take them seriously.
From another review 'how do they know his name and age?' - I agree. How? What is this paperwork? Did they actually have him into it in as a requisition an item? I was confused.
I would also like to know more about what the child was wearing when they talk about 'dogs... have coats'and how could he survive. I would like details about what aspects of his appearance reflects the journey - does he have blue lips, bruised knees, anything like that?
I liked the twist and I thought it flowed very well. Nice work.
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| Punslinger chapter 1 . 3/22/2010
This is a classic slice-of-life yarn, well narrated and with an ending that is satisfying but unresolved leaving readers to speculate on what might happen next. I don't see many of those anymore. The dialogue is natural and snappy as it reveals the characters and carries the story along. Good job all 'round.
| fatbird33 chapter 1 . 3/18/2010
hey! congrats on winning the WCC. here's your reward:)
"Wasn't everyday he had a junior to boss around." put It at the beginning of this sentence.
"aking sure the junior employee felt his juniority deeply." use a different word other than juniority. it makes the sentence repetitive.
""Have to open the door," Stevens advised, "mate."" it seems weird to seperate the mate from the rest. it stops the flow i think.
Oh my god! a kid! i didn't see that one coming. nice
how do they know his name and age?
I liked how you started, but i didn't really feel any closure. Like there could have been a real touching story about this kid, but you never let it grow.
You have a good writing style and good word choices throughout, but the storyline part of it really could have gone far.
You should write more to this peice, because i think that it could be really great.
Nice job, and congrats on winning the WCC this month! :)
| no.peace.los.angeles chapter 1 . 12/9/2009
Very interesting premise. It was pretty amusing, though I almost wanted a different kind of ending. I think I was expecting some kind of child slavery or something. But maybe that's just because I'm used to things being overly dramatic. I think the way this starts out is a bit overdone, too - it took me a few paragraphs to get into the story, mainly because of the dialogue tags. Usually you can just use "said" or even better, an action, and the story will read better. Because usually the reader can assume for themselves how it was said, and an action can illustrate that better than something like "advised," for example. But that's just me being picky. The rest of the story was cute. Good luck in the WCC! Keep writing! :)
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 12/9/2009
' “I bet it was an evil stepmother,” Rawlinson said quietly, nodding to himself.
“No, it’s Aunties, isn’t it?” Stevens said, “Maiden aunts. Evil maiden aunts.” ' - Lol, that made me grin like anything.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 12/8/2009
Ha! What an odd take on the prompt. I liked the original way you portrayed this. :)
Loved the banter between Rawlinson and Stevens. Very entertaining. :P
This was a cute, bizarre little piece. You made it interesting. Good job and good luck in WCC!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/7/2009
Oh, i liked this! Again, you used the prompt very cleverly _ The dialogue here was very believable and genuine. I again didn't catch any spelling or grammar errors :( When I read for pleasure I never seem to catch anything, XD. I especially enjoyed the bit about the evil stepmothers, because it seems to me a very stereotypical thing to add but then the story takes it and runs a different direction. Great inventiveness!
| MacNasty chapter 1 . 12/6/2009
I like the interaction between Rawlinson and Stevens. It's a bit of a censored version of how ramp guys talk but it is I would definitely lay off the adverbs if I were you. Adverbs do not make the writing descriptive as some would think. But anyway, this story was rather strange and funny in a weird kind of "what just happened" way. I like that this was lighthearted though. I am usually expecting the opposite on a site like this. Nice work and good luck in the contest.
| Mizzuz Spock chapter 1 . 12/4/2009
I'm not so sure about the believability of this piece, but I still liked it. I think the kid's reaction was eerily calm, especially since he's been locked up in a freight box in the freezing cold, with no food or toilet...
Stevens and Rawlinson are fun characters, though, and they helped suspend my belief. Their bickering seems natural, the humor spot-on, and I couldn't help but smile, even at some of the more ridiculous things. ("No, it's Aunties, isn't it?" Would that be a reference to James and the Giant Peach? xD)
Overall, a good, fun piece. Though the end kind of made me scratch my head. These guys are just going to let the poor little kid run away? I hope they're going to try and find him and get him into child services or something! o_o
Good luck in the WCC! :]
| K.M.Simpson chapter 1 . 12/4/2009
Very realistic, I liked it. Grammar was perfection and so was the story a little weird but we like weird. Nice story here. Kind of left a cliff hanger too.
| Michael Howard chapter 1 . 12/3/2009
This one had your characteristically naturalistic writing style (Rawlinson rubs a thumb on his arm as he speaks) that make it so easy for the reader to visualize the events occurring. And for clever wordplay, it'd be hard to top 'juniority' (gonna give it the old Uni try to work that into a conversation today!)
But to what end? A pleasing presentation should still ultimately deliver something, be it a punchline, a barb at a human or societal foible, a resolution of a conflict, etc. And I just didn't feel that was done here.
My apologies in advance if I'm too much of an old fogey to miss the joke.
| Lea Ai chapter 1 . 12/3/2009
My mommy senses are in an uproar! Little boy, locked up in a crate and let loose on a tarmac...can you say, "nightmare"?
Okay...so once my mommy mind is shut off, I can say this was quite amusing (since I know the scenario could not really happen since they check all the crates thoroughly before loading them...;-P) I thought the dialogue and their actions were very funny-I especially liked the part where they had to check their list to figure out if he was a "7 year old male". I could just see their puzzled expressions. Nice touch starting it off with a senior employee rubbing in the other character's "juniority" :-D.
Good job with WCC!
| Narq chapter 1 . 12/2/2009
Lol! that is hilarous! How could you have actually thought of such a story?
Favourite lines: [The men straightened, looked at each other then stooped back down to look again./A small child. Still.] p.s. loved the 'still'
[Dogs seem to cope.” Stevens shrugged./“They got coats,]
And then the evil step mothers and aunties and the 'cheaper' idea... oh hell... I would not like to live in that world XD
lovely piece! humourous and wonderful!
| xenolith chapter 1 . 12/2/2009
This was weird, but good. Very professional, and very realistic. A nice take on an odd situation! My only concrit, 'He bounced once of(f) a crate', other than that, nice. Short and sweet.