|Reviews for Fumetsu no Mayumi no Ikari 不滅のMayumiの憤り|
| Fox Trot 9 chapter 2 . 1/23/2011
Okay, I'm not going over the conventions, since you seem to have a handle on them.
But for a story that's rated K, it sure is bloody. Especially that Mayumi chick; I kind of picture her as a blood-thirsty lolita, the way you write her. Still, you kind of make her inhuman in this chapter, but I see why you make her that way at the beginning. But other than that, I kind of like her, as well as her blood-thirsty cat. And that 'pee-pee boy' thing cracked me up. LOL
Also, when are you gonna update this story? You haven't updated in a year; I hope you didn't quit, because it shows some promise. Give it a try, girl; give it another shot. Oh, and if you're still on this site, check out my story, Huang Ying. I need to some honest feedback, especially on the second chapter. Thank you for your time.
| Kai Touka chapter 2 . 9/7/2010
good, i can only give this one suggestion as i can see it XD
You can synonyms in this case, smell-scent.
Overall, it's great, you should continue writing the story further _
FYI, i know it's a filipino word but if you research properly, its ALSO a japanese given name, まゆみ, マユミ.
depending on kanji given; 真有美 means 'truth, exist, beauty'
truth and beauty are meanings that are fixed (but kanji are different)
only the 'yu' is a different meaning on kanji variations.
if mayumi means pretty/beautiful. then the character 'mi' in mayumi means beauty
| J.V.G. Buenagua chapter 2 . 1/10/2010
It was nice... really great... hope to read more,.,
| taerkitty chapter 2 . 1/3/2010
Had a slight mishap with FP and lost my previous review comments.
Opening paragraph doesn't tell us much, expect that the protagonist has long hair and it's a city. It doesn't leave us with a good question to urge us along.
"In short" is redundant. Don't tell the reader how the author is telling the story to the reader.
"Turned out to be" is tell - don't address the reader directly.
Fight scene is stylish, but not satisfying - we don't know why she's killing them, or what they did to deserve it (aside from being dumb, fat and ugly.)
Mayumi's signature on the dead is wasted - Kamina ate it.
Wouldn't bones be left as well as clothes?
Okay, ending paragraph is also weak. She killed them, and leaves with the wolf. It doesn't pose any question or offer any imagery for me to ponder. The end paragraph's job in a multi-part work is to get the reader to want to read the next chapter. It can do that by leaving some significant question unanswered (i.e. the cliffhanger) or at some point that leaves the reader feeling good, and wanting more chapters that end that way (a quiet resolution), among others. Here, I think it's going for the 'resolution', but there's not a lot to resolve. If we established that the three victims were predators and Mayumi was avenging someone, that might help.
It ends a chapter that never feels like it fully started. We get action, special effects, death and a bit of gore, but nothing that makes me interested in the character, the scene, the setup.
This reads like some anime I've watched, where the whole point is to show how bad-** the lead character is. Lots of cool sfx, lots of neat battle music, but ... no real story.
I'd like to see more about what she is, why she is, who she is. I'd like to get a sense the character has more than one dimension, and that she's the focus of the writing, not just an excuse to get into more combat.
Sorry to give a negative critique. Please remember that I might not be your target audience. Feel free to ignore anything I've said (or everything I've said) - I'm just a lone kitty.
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 1/3/2010
The opening lines are over-the-top. They point to a character that is too cold and one-dimensional to work for me. However, the one line "But within the merciless assassin of a woman lies the memory of a happy[,] little girl who [was] deprived of a peaceful and innocent childhood" works for me.
I won't address the italicized text - I don't do poetry. For me, the "but within" line is worth keeping, and the rest are not to my liking.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 2 . 12/10/2009
Okay, that was an entertaining read, if not a little...short. Well, short isn't a bad thing, actually it's good if you are keeping it concise.
Take note: "They were two blinded with lust"... it should be "they were TOO blinded with lust". Otherwise it's all good, I think.
Anyway, it looks interesting enough, I can't wait to see how it develops, so I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 12/9/2009
Well, hopefully you still remember me. :) Anyway, interesting introduction to the plot here. You really did well to input the atmosphere on what is to come in this chapter in a very real sense. I'm truly wondering how you will go about humanizing your main character. And yeah, I will review the next chapter once I've got a new chapter for The Eternal Grail up. :)
P.S: Pay back via my new work entitled Ancient Legacy. :)
-From The Roadhouse. :)
| Mizzuz Spock chapter 2 . 12/9/2009
I like this chapter. It's a great insight into Mayumi's character. (...and really? It's not a Japanese name? Never would've known the difference if you hadn't told me! xD)
The only problem I really had with this was the first sentence: [A cold night breeze whipped her waist-length blond hair as she entered a dark, rat-infested alleyway.]
I just felt there was too much information in that one sentence alone. Maybe split it up a bit. I don't know, but that one line bugs me.
I love Kamina! Then again, I'm a sucker for wolves, so. There ya go.
Overall, I felt this was a good chapter. Just that one line I didn't like so much! x]
| Mizzuz Spock chapter 1 . 12/9/2009
Meh! I love that first line about the pebble! (It reminds me of that Bourne movie where the guy goes attacks with a pen.) x3
Very nice summary. I found a problem though:
* "unless you have to guts to face her"
The first "to" should be "the," I think.
Other than that, great job. I'm hooked.
| ephemeral dance chapter 2 . 12/9/2009
Hehe, I'm a sucker for pretty, badass chicks with knives.
Really great descriptions of the guys in the beginning and also of the scuffle between them and Mayumi.
[“...But first,” he stopped for a few seconds, before going on. “, You must do us a favor.”] Take out that extra comma.
[Kamina the purple she-wolf with purple fur and red eyes sniffed the dead bodies.] You should take out the first "purple" and also add a comma after Kamina and after eyes.
I think that's it, though. Good job! I will definitely read the next chapter when you publish it!
| ephemeral dance chapter 1 . 12/9/2009
Nice job. I've always been fond of these vague-but-informative, short-but-sweet prologues, so yeah. Good job here! I can never really find anything construtive to say about short pieces like this, so I will just move on to the first chapter. _
| Luna the wolf dancer chapter 2 . 12/6/2009
yay! - a new chapter -claps a little- Now since you wanted me to beta read thing, I can try to do it right now )
Now um.. Overall, the chapter was pretty cool - I started to like the characters and the interaction with the whole alley thing was cool as well, but here are a couple of the mistakes I found..
(he was untidy, and even from afar, she smelled his unpleasant odor)
| TymCon chapter 2 . 12/6/2009
Well this is intresting. Im not sure whats with manga and waist lenght blonde hair though, and blue eyes! Well now onto the actual chapter. Youre description of the men was good and the fight scene with them was also quite nice.
The spirit wolf was a good touch and how he ate the men was kinda creepy. Im guessing the wolf is a woman? Well anyway nice chapter.
Ps;this is free review(I was told by an old Mod to mention that whenever i dont want review in return:P)
| Luna the wolf dancer chapter 1 . 12/4/2009
0-0 man here I thought I was gonna read the first chapter... The summary sounds good don't get me wrong, but I wish you didn't do the summary thing alone and forget the chapter T.T I don't want to mean but it's honesty..
Um.. May I suggest something? Why don't you put the first chapter or prologue/preface right after the information to the story - It will help me loads to get happy on my weekend random review time xD other wise, nice job