|Reviews for A Truthful Lie|
| Red-Eyed-Raven93 chapter 2 . 9/14/2010
It looks like she's the emo type of girl, don't you think? Just reading in her statements makes me feel that way. Pitiful her, but congrats to you... :) I think that you chose the right POV style to clearly show her emotions. It really made me cry... :)
So much for the emotionality, I also think there are some things you must change: first, the tenses. So what will it be: present or past tense? Just stick to one form of tense till the end, please.
And this line: "...I couldn't help but break down and cry, but I held my composer." - composer? You mean, composure?
Anyway, nice work, I must say. It's full of drama even it's just the beginning of it. Don't worry, I'll read more of this. Keep up the good work.
(via Gossip Forum)
| Arastel chapter 2 . 3/5/2010
I liked the general plot of this story, though this chapter seemed really rushed, like you had so much you wanted to say and not enough time to say it. Your character was also rambling on and on and repeating herself, I personally found it annoying to read. Also, I recommend proofreading before posting, and using a dictionary for words you don't know like "Asphalt". Other then that, it was a really fun read and I plan to read more in the future.
| Devil's Playground chapter 1 . 3/4/2010
Hmm, this seems interesting. Normally I'm not one for high school stories, because it doesn't seem as cliche-ridden as most of them so far. It's interesting that it's written from the perspective of a popular girl, since it seems like most stories are written from the view of the outsiders and loners. I'm curious about what you'll do with the character.
The obvious fakeness of her friend is an interesting dynamic, as well. I'm curious to see where that goes, and if the majority of her friends are the same way.
Some of it seemed unnecessary, though, and like the kind of general thing that could be in any high school story. You should try focusing on the character instead of generalities about class and such.
The ending was a little confusing - I wasn't sure what was going on with the various images.
| jevn chapter 1 . 2/24/2010
Here we go.
"pretty pink contents" Pretty repeats in the next sentence which sounds awkward
"Lauren is a good friend, or so she pretends to be." This sentence sounded awkward as well, like Lauren is telling the reader that she's pretending, rahter than it being something the reader is sure of.
I wasn't blown away with the story, the thoughts about teenage discontent are nothing new, but I am moderately curious to figure out what the weird images the narator saw are, so I'll keep reading
| v-n-ll-y chapter 1 . 2/21/2010
Well this was certainly very interesting. A very good impression of Charlotte's character is given, and some of the expressions you use are very effective. I noticed a few minor typos here and there, nothing major, but it could use a proof read. Other than that, I thought this was quite a good start to what I'm sure is a great piece of writing.
| Alias Blue chapter 1 . 2/21/2010
This pulled me in straight away. You write really nicely. I like the sort of detachment or early cynicism of the character.
I only noticed a few typos, where you miss out words and such, but that can just be fixed by proof reading, and this was definitely enjoyable and easy to read with such a nice flow.
I like how you've personalised your character, and with depth, even in the first couple paragraphs, with stuff like, 'being at the top is my job'.
The narrative moved so smoothly into the dream, because it sort of sounded quite dreamy anyway, so that was really good. That was probably helped by the association I have with italics as well. :)
I already like the foreshadowing in the cards, and it's introduced a great fantasy aspect, which I love. Awesome!
This didn't feel like a prologue though, more of a first chapter, unless the scene or time changes dramatically in the next.
| Mizzuz Spock chapter 2 . 1/17/2010
The dark tone didn't bother me so much this chapter. Once again, you have some good consistency and the writing style itself isn't so bad. There is a bit too much telling and I'd prefer more showing and maybe some more introspective when it comes to the character, but it's okay as it is. We learn a good amount about the character and we get a good sense of who she is, which sets up up for the part with her mother...
The part where her mom commits suicide has a few bumps in it. The biggest problem is the fact that it's a whale of a paragraph and is hard on the eyes. I would suggest breaking that up into separate paragraphs. Also, why did she have to pick up her mom and take her out of the house? Couldn't she just run to one of her neighbors' houses, bang on the door, and demand to use the phone? I understand that sometimes people don't think clearly in times of stress, but still. This scene could be believable, but I had to stretch my imagination a bit.
Also, the guy doesn't appear to be freaked out that he runs across a girl carrying a bleeding, dying woman. There doesn't seem to be any sense of urgency. And then he asks where to go: "The hospital, I presume." That's a bit of a "No, duh" moment, and it failed to be belieavable there.
They hop in the car and she looks out the window. Not worrying about her mother. Doesn't even mention her after the guy is described, really...
You do a good job of keeping everything together, but that part just kind of felt like it was missing something.
Good job so far. It's certainly getting interesting. :]
| Mizzuz Spock chapter 1 . 1/17/2010
Your character interactions are pretty good. I feel like you really captured the sense of high school. I can feel the fakeness and the drama.
I'm a bit confused with Charlotte's little nightmare. Is it a memory? Is it a prediction? (Is she psychic?) Questions, questions...
Overall, I don't know if I like the tone of the story so far. It's pretty depressing and dark. (But that's not your fault. It's just not my cup of tea.) Your tone, however, was very consistent throughout and the pace worked well.
The main problems I found with this piece were the tense changes and the big paragraphs. Remember that the story is either taking place in the past or the present: not both at the exact same time.
Also, if you broke the paragraphs up into two or three paragraphs, it would be easier on the readers' eyes and would really help the story to flow smoother overall. :]
| WriterOnTheMove chapter 13 . 1/16/2010
people, this is just a rough, i have things in brackets because i haven't written that bit in...example, (describe house) i haven't yet figured out an image for the house, hense why it's in brackets...
| RenEtAl chapter 13 . 1/16/2010
Er... I'd say start at the end of this chapter. And count 5 paragraphs up, and take a look at the end of the 5th paragraph. Yes, I think that's right. Then you might notice something...
| RenEtAl chapter 3 . 1/16/2010
I think your story may have originally been in third person. Just in the first paragraph you say "She saw his lips curl..." Also, I think you meant to put "rear-view mirror" instead of "review mirror."
| RenEtAl chapter 2 . 1/16/2010
Ah, Broken Mothers. Always interesting.
Hm. It's cute how you put "(chapter)" at the end. Was this just for revision purposes and you forgot to delete? I'm wondering...
| Charlotte Isla chapter 19 . 1/10/2010
Ahh, I see now. Yeah, I can see how the rambling is how the character is. And it is like we're reading her diary or something, so you did great with that part.
She's so hopeless though and negative that we kind of fear some of her thoughts, at least I do. But that's not a bad thing.
I would recommend you to get a Beta. It's just disorganised right now. I would be happy to do some editing for you, but I'm not a Beta and I usually make 100 mistakes on my own stories.
But keep working at it. It's wonderful for a beginner.
| Charlotte Isla chapter 5 . 1/9/2010
Man, you love paragraphs! No, actually, it's very original refreshing from the stories out there made up of only conversations. I feel like I'm reading her thoughts.
Besides loving the fact that she shares my name, I love the details. I think this is very well written and you just need to stay on topic. Like she sometimes is thinking something and then she just thinks something entirely different. It can be a bit confusing. Like she's rambling.
Also, watch your paragraphs. Don't make them too long... In my opinion, new paragraphs when is needed can make the words sink it better and have more meaning... Does that sound weird?
It's very, very good, though. So far. I will read the rest of it soon. It's like 3am here. Z
| Moonraker One chapter 1 . 1/9/2010
Not a bad story. It isn't perfect, and it definitely needs work, but it isn't a bad start. The characters are developed a bit, and this could seriously use more development. More description is required. The physical aspect of the characters is incredibly detailed, but you don't seem to place enough importance on the detail of the emotional and the thought. We have to know how they think so we won't be surprised by something the characters do. It isn't distracting, but it could help.
You have to start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes. If someone speaks, and another person starts speaking, you put the second person's speech in a separate paragraph. Needs work there, too.
Keep working, I think this story is on its way to quality.