|Reviews for Lost|
| Dragon made me do it chapter 1 . 11/26/2011
okay review without dragon here, so i'll have to cut corners to minimise typing.
You do a great job of developing a sense of mood here, like the storm has its own personality that is wreaking havoc upon any human that dare pass through it. Your word choice really helps here, it feels like you have put a tonne of thought into choosing the exact right words for each description, but at the same time it flows naturally and effortlessly. does that make any sense at all?
nice little plot development etc too, k no more typing!
typo-like anally retentive stuff:
last i checked, 'wifth' was not a word, unless you have a lifp
The resonant whining of the wind came from an alien world, piercing through your soul on its way to another dimension. - your? is this meant to be second person? feels a bit fuunny.
What were the odds of finding a normal, happy kid, all on its own out here? - its? we know she is female, i get that you are talking in the hypothetical here, but i think 'her' sounds better.
refind - hyphenate? i just kind of looked at this word and had to read it a fwe times to work out what you meant, a hyphen would make it clearer.
It was as outcome as inescapable as the cold. - first as - an
no chance of moving til the thaw - until or till, or if you must, 'til
pine tree in the corner til the air - ditto
whiling away the blizzard bound Christmas Eve - hyphenate blizzard-bound?
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 1 . 6/6/2010
I loved your descriptions in this! :D
They were really beautifully written. :)
I thought that the whole Darren chracter was really sweet. He obviously is in a tough position, but I think that he did the right thing, considering...
My only question is where did he find that blizzard line? I was just a bit confused on that part. :P
I loved the ending line. :')
It made me teary-eyed. :P
Ah, I'm such a wimp. :P
~Avid. GF. :)
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| no.peace.los.angeles chapter 1 . 4/2/2010
Wow. First off, that ending . . . made me cry. I'll admit it. It was just so poignant and the whole idea of it "taking her home" was just too much for me. I'm kind of a sap, though. Haha. I think I understand why she was still hanging on to the line, though (because he said it would take her home, and she wasn't home yet, so she thought she couldn't let go until she did get home?). That was slightly unclear, but I think I'm smart enough that I figured it out. :P
I loved your writing style in this. It was nice to see you use a lot of description, but somehow make it seem sparser with the use of that description. Sometimes it seemed a bit dramatic/over the top (like the snowflakes ripping at her eyelashes like tiny darts), but that's the risk you take with description.
The grammar for the most part is spot-on, but I noticed a few things I would change. One: "The resonant whining of the wind came from an alien world, piercing through your soul on its way to another dimension." In that sentence, I would change "your" to either "one's" or "hers," since otherwise you're bringing in a second person POV when it should be third. And this one, I'm not sure if it qualifies as grammar or word choice, but, "The girl glowed in his brake lights, standing there bathed in red like some seventies horror movie." I would add in "a character from" after like, just because it's more specific (and will probably conjure up images of Carrie in people's minds, without saying that's who you're referring to).
And characters. Darren was an interesting choice. He seems like the type of person who's grizzled and hard, but he's clearly owned by his bosses, and he doesn't want to leave the little girl just standing out there in the cold. That shows me he has compassion, regardless of the fact that he's doing a job that's not the most legal thing in the world. And though they weren't mentioned much, I liked the couple at the end. There was a little bit of humor and realness in them in that Theodore (I just want to call him Teddy, though :P) thought he was just too drunk at first when he saw the little girl. Nice touch there.
All in all, a very lovely story. It had that stark sense of loneliness that you would expect from a story of this nature, and definitely did not disappoint.
| tonight we bloom chapter 1 . 1/30/2010
this is amazing... all the description, the emotion that is woven through the words you choose. and that ending, simply perfect. i would love opinions from a talented writer like yourself on my work; it would mean a lot to me.
| Lani Lenore chapter 1 . 1/1/2010
Haha!(not to the story) The prompt you chose was pretty amusing! I looked at that one myself, but it wasn’t one I considered writing about. It’s nice to see that you put an entirely new twist on it from what one might expect.
I especially love the snowy imagery at the beginning. You set the scene as being cold and biting, as well as vague. It’s easy to get lost out there. The entire story had this lonely, desperation to it, for the truck driver as well as the little girl. He had to keep going; she had nowhere to go. The ending was really great, where she wouldn’t let go of the rope because of what the man had said. Obviously, she knew that where she had wound up was not her home.
There were a couple of suggestions I wanted to make:
First, this sentence: ‘Flakes that yesterday had fallen thick on her eyelashes, gentle and wet, now it ripped at them wifth tiny frosty darts.’ The first thing is that you have an extra letter in your word ‘with’. Second, you begin talking about ‘flakes’ as your subject, and then continue on after the commas with the word ‘it’. What is ‘it’ describing? Certainly not ‘flakes’. I suggest looking over this sentence again.
Secondly, I don’t like the place where you used the word ‘refind’. That really threw me off when I ran upon that word. I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean ‘refine’, but might I suggest a word like ‘regain’?
Well, I was really pulling for you this time, Sophie. But I guess the fates had other ideas. Still, there is much to be said for those of us who actually came up with a story idea! )
| ephemeral dance chapter 1 . 12/16/2009
The description of the snow in the beginning was absolutely beautiful. Chilly and flawless, I could just see it around me. Wonderful job on that.
Just a little nitpicky comment, I guess-
[Had she got lost?] I think that should be "Had she gotten lost?"
| xenolith chapter 1 . 12/11/2009
I loved the start of this.
'Its edges were all tactile, the hurl and suck of the wind, the bite of the ice. The girl did not feel it.'
Fabulous. Tactile, I love how you described that. Nothing is left out here and it's great. Makes a short story enjoyable, the language and the descriptions and everything. And with the ending, so sad and yet good and comforting, well done!
| Indestructible13 chapter 1 . 12/11/2009
Normally I'm not a fan of short pieces like these. That being said, I liked this one. Aside from small typographical errors (I only counted the one mentioned in the other review, but there might be more), there is nothing bad i can say about this piece.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/11/2009
The prompt address you gave me was really funny, but you completely changed its mood with your piece-really cool. I really liked this, your prose was amazingly well written and I found it to be very accessible and believable-your character's too. I liked how it was also a simple story and how you could construct it around that first frame in the comic. I did feel like the man who found her was going to do something really terrible like kill her or something, so it was a surprise to me when he just let her go, I think that could be the way he worried but it also created a lot of tension. I especially like how you worked this prompt!
| Eponine254 chapter 1 . 12/11/2009
Nice choice of prompt for the contest! I still haven't been able to settle on one. But back to the story! :P
You gave a very plausible explanation for her being out there, and I found the thought that she was too young to understand her loss very sad! The ending seemed a little sudden to me, although I liked the uncertainty at the very end. You seem to set up a "happily ever after" ending with the mention of Christmas coming early, but the last line seems to subvert that. Good work and good luck in the contest!
| Michael Howard chapter 1 . 12/10/2009
I'll start off with what is probably my most nitpicky comment to date:
"You could keep it at, bay, hide away from it, hole yourself up."
There's an unnecessary comma after the word 'at.' Lame I know, but the rest of this piece is so polished it stands out.
I'm not so sure how many thousands of words I've read by you, but I think this piece features some of your very best similes (or are they metaphors - I always get those mixed up). The butterfly line especially was wonderful!
You haven't listed this story as complete, and if there's more to come I'll read it with interest, but I feel both entertained and satisfied by what's been presented here so far.
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 12/10/2009
Excellent. I love short character-driven pieces like this. Can't really say much except for 'Great work' and good luck in the contest :)
| Narq chapter 1 . 12/10/2009
First reviewer~ feel special!
"She waited stiff-like as he walked up to her" - um punctuation?
Dunno if its on purpose, but I just realised you barely mentioned 'his'/Darren's name, this paragraph, for instance: "His pants gathered tight behind his knees as he crouched in front of her. He took in her frost nipped cheeks, her slow, shallow breathing. He carried her back to the cab without another word." Starts with His, He, and He... gets a bit repititive...sorry, didn't pick that up when I was reading it earlier
But I still still still love the ending!