|Reviews for The Chase|
| MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 4/12/2010
Things you can change:
The physical descriptions should be really rewritten. For example, this descripton does not do justice to the character, nor the story - James was 26 years old, white, barely 5' 7" and weighed 150 lbs. Instead of simply stating his weight and height, try to do that in a different way.
burned to many - burned to[o] many
| Kobra Kid chapter 2 . 4/2/2010
Wow, intense chapter with the whole "James flirty love" thing. The dialogue was realistic, which is always a hard thing to do so thumbs up on that! :D.
The only thing is that you told the characters physical descriptions again. I won't bug you anymore about it but you wanna show not tell.
Besides that, great job!
P.S. Could you please payback via Uprising? Thanks!
| eblakes93 chapter 6 . 4/1/2010
Hi! I've read up to chapter six of your story, but I'm going to take a break. I have a lot of comments, so get yourself prepared. I tend to go a little overboard on reviews.
Chapter One - Please, please, please do not describe characters all-out when you introduce them! There are so many better ways of describing a character then giving a physical description that would appear on a driver's license. Try throwing in little bits of description while your character is in action. For example, "Kendra's brown, bushy hair got caught up in the wind as the motor boat sped towards her final destination. The boat practically tipped under her immense weight as she moved from it to the dock", instead of "Kendra was in a motor boat, making her way to her final destination. She is 5'5 and 250 pounds. She usually wears her brown, bushy hair up in a ponytail, but today it was loose and flowing in the wind." Which one sounds like a better description to you? Also, don't restate the obvious. You wrote : “ "And then he told me that he was in love with me, and I got so mad at him. I've been friends with Matt forever and now that he's single again he decides he's in love with me," she was telling him about another guy confessing his apparent love for her. ". Obviously she was telling about another guy confessing his apparent love for her. You showed that in the dialogue, there's no reason to say it again.
Chapter Two - You get kudos points for putting them in a biology class. It's my favorite subject. :D Please watch out on the aformentioned pet peeves in this chapter as well.
Chapter Three - Again, random descriptions about Frank. If it's not relevant to the story or it isn't forshadowing something in the future, cut it out and replace it with something useful. Also, change "Made himself a glass of water". Usually, I just pout water into a glass, I don't go to the trouble of putting atoms of hydrogen and oxygen together to make water. :D I have to say, the FBI thing was a Wtf? moment for me. I didn't read the story summary so I didn't know what exactly it was about. I think maybe this would have been more effective if you had at least hinted something like this was going to happen in the beginning of the story it would have been more effective. Or perhaps you should have started with the FBI ordeal in the beginning, as an attention grabber, and then allowed for the relationships in tbetween the characters to pan out during the situation. I would be much more hooked if the action started in the beginning of the story.
Chapter Four and Five - There are multiple grammar /spelling mistakes in these chapters that you should check out. Not going to list them all, I think you can figure them out on your own. Also, please type out numbers that are less then a hundred! I mean, how hard is it to type out "two". In actual novels editors will ask that you do this. Most likely your English teachers will too. Last major thing I have to say is that it wasn't that big of a deal for me when the agent said Jame's father was still alive, mostly because wwe didn't know he was dead in the first place, and there was no emotional connection between his father and the reader. Thatt's about all. I'll wite another review when I finish reading the rest.
Please correct me if I misread something, as I'm rather sleepy and prone to accidently skipping sentences. Overall what I read so far was interesting!
| Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 4/1/2010
Very good introduction. I liked the description of everything, but I don't think you should tell us EVERYTHING about the characters in the first chapter. You told us how old James was & his height and all his physical features. It gives it away, so give hints about his hair color and everything. Don't just tell us, show us. (I do the same thing sometimes though, so dont worry!)
Besides that, awesome intro! Can't wait to read more!
Broken Cross from the Roadhouse
P.S. Could you please payback via Uprising? Thanks!
| firefly114 chapter 1 . 4/1/2010
Hey! I saw this in a Roadhouse forum, and it sounded interesting!
I liked the intro, especially the basketball scene. However, you introduce a few things and then just tell us who they are, like "said Abby. Abby was..." Instead, you could say something like "said Abby, his friend and classmate" or whatever, to make it sound more natural.
Overall, I really liked this first chapter! I'll read more when I have time. Would you return the review on my story All That Glitters? Thanks!
| Disease Pleasure chapter 2 . 12/16/2009
Want a hug?
| Disease Pleasure chapter 1 . 12/16/2009