|Reviews for Dolls|
| Hydrall chapter 6 . 4/10/2010
Well, awesome story overall so far, though I hope you'll describe what Scythe actually looks like. Unless I missed it, all we know is that he's mechanical and has... A scythe.
But what I really want to know is how you keep finding all these quotes! Surely there aren't that many quotes about dolls in the world... Are there?
Also, I know German, so I could maybe help you there. It's just a rudimentary knowledge, nothing fluent... But I'd like to help.
| Jonathan Kent chapter 10 . 4/6/2010
Cool chapter! A few errors but nothing glaring here, I like the separation of the action scenes and the change in POV.
One thing you probably will want to correct is in the 6th section i think you mistakenly wrote Tessen near the end instead of Cinder.
Looking forward to more, let me know when more is up on Stars as well...
I edited Chapter 7 inserting a small but important scene you may want to read involving a merchant (based loosely on your suggestion :D ) and Chapter 11 is now up! hope ur coping with your busyness! Speak soon,
| GR4CKY chapter 3 . 4/5/2010
I'm incredibly envious of how you can carry on such intense, action-packed scenes without being repetitive nor too detailed that it becomes gaped and boring. :)
Even after the fighting, the suspense is still there. Very nice.
| Jonathan Kent chapter 9 . 3/29/2010
So this chapter was really slow pacing wise for me... mostly at the beginning, the second and third sections were okay.
I feel like it was a bit textbookish during the explanation of the Unmaking and the perfect illusions... i think if you can trim down the explanations to only the essentials, finding the most creative way to explain in the dialogue it will make for a more enjoyable read... as it is, i felt force-fed a lot of information.
I found myself skipping the foreign language spells completely, i enjoy when Agata uses the shorter commands and even phrases but the entire german/danish whichever language sentences were wasted space to me... maybe once... but three times then non roman characters was a bit too much for me... i'm sure it's cool for you but i don't know what they mean so without a translation or at least something i can sound out in my head, its filler to repeat it. just an opinon.
The way Mihael answered his phone was poorly written in my opinon, it rang false when i read it. maybe try something more policeish like 'This is Karenin." I don't like how the conversation was just explained away. Maybe instead say he listened and nodded before hanging up. When you just say they waited and it didn't take long, it's an awkward moment where nothing is happening and we aren't learning anything or seeing anything clearly that takes you out of the story.
not too many errors i noticed that care should be car and there are a few erroneous commas floating around in there.
I think the last line can be omitted... Kagura's final line is a stronger ending.
glad to see u had a productive day as well! i have edited ch 5 and the new chapter 6... expanded on the back story to create two chapters. check it out when you get a chance!
| Jonathan Kent chapter 7 . 3/25/2010
Cool, I like these chapters and yes, many of my qualms were explained so thank you :)
I don't know German, but the Japanese and French I can help you with... I don't know the relationship between the characters like you do, so i'll simply post this link:
To see if you used the suffixes correctly. I personally felt like Marianne should be Marianne-chan, Louisa-san is fine unless she needs to show her respect in which case -sama would be better. But it was confusing that she refers to Edmond as -kun and Louisa as -san unless she has a better relationship with Edmond. Calling Marianne -chan would establish the age difference where as -sama is a term reserved for people older than you or someone commanding respect. Again, you know the relationships, so thats just my impression as a reader and someone who lived in japan for a long time :p
The french is all correct but feels very mixed between formal/informal let me know if you want to make the tone more amiable between them and i can give you some french dialogue. :)
Good story developments though, excited to see where things go!
| Jonathan Kent chapter 5 . 3/24/2010
Hm lots of problems in this chapter...
First you need to establish who Mihael is, twice you've mentioned him/her but we still don't know anything about him or you haven't connected it, is he their police informant?
second, you clearly stated Marianne only had one doll with her, so how does she suddenly have a hoard of paper dolls at her disposal after fleeing the scene so rapidly?
There are some inconsistencies in the fight scene... first, how does Marianne have the weapon if it was analyzed by Roy previously, which i asked about before.
Second, the suitcase had already been opened and scythe released... then you switch to Scythe as the viewpoint character which is dangerous in fiction to do mid chapter, and especially mid fight scene... you end up reiterating many points and its confusing when you jump in time like this for the reader. I like the insight on how the Doll operates while in Scythes viewpoint, maybe you can keep Agata the viewpoint character, and use dialogue to express this?
The fight scene is confusingly written. I like the idea of it, but it took several readings to grasp what happened instead of a flowing narrative of it.
i think the term inconsequential is poorly used, it makes her seem like she's not a threat, when clearly she is the main threat besides Element X... You never explain who/what Element A is however (the item from the waist possibly) and I have no idea what Element X looks like, besides that it has a katana.
How does scythe know the human approaching is hostile? Too many unanswered questions for one short chapter. I think a rewrite could alleviate the problems though and keep the story (which is good) intact and flowing correctly.
Hope this is helpful!
| Jonathan Kent chapter 4 . 3/24/2010
Hm... I think chapters 3 is a bit short to be honest... maybe combine 3 and 4?
again some problems 'telling' I think characteristics such as Roy's immaturity are better demonstrated than told. let the dialogue and reactions show the reader the type of person he is rather than just telling us, which you did with the dialogue when he comes out with the towel.
Watch for your doubles in speech: 'okay okay' 'yes, yes' 'fine, fine' occasionally is alright, but those three were all relatively close to each other.
How does roy know the knife is a hunting knife if it was left in the room?
Also the revelation that they may be lovers seems to come out of left field, and not a in a good way for me. I feel like this should be built upon subtly as opposed to just injected so boldly, it rings false and out of touch with the relationship you established in the rest of the chapters. It's a good idea, but perhaps rashly implemented?
I'll keep reading though, I like the quotes and bits at the beginning of the chapter, it's a nice touch!
All the best,
| Jonathan Kent chapter 2 . 3/24/2010
So I really am enjoying this story,even though i'm not a fan of dolls. There is a quirkiness about the world that i think your first paragraph of the story really brings to life.
The writing is generally very good and I don't see many glaring errors. A few parts I feel the verbage is a little weak or some parts would be better if rewritten to 'show' instead of 'tell' as they say. Particularly at the end of the 2nd chapter when the action picks up, I would suggest taking the paragraph beginning 'The German was in a predicament." Out completely, and including the pertinent information (that the dogs were slowing her down and trying to throw her off balance) into the following paragraph. This will keep the speed of the sequence alive, since, as written, the paragraph I indicated slows it down consideribly.
All in all, great story and concept, I am looking forward to reading more. Also if you get a chance, check out my work Steel Saga: Echoes of Blood and let me know what you think. I'd love your input as I think your writing is really great!
All the best!