|Reviews for Electric Hands, Clay Skin|
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 8 . 5/12/2011
So glad to see more of this. Again, there's nothing to critique here. I really enjoyed this chapter, and as always the characters are developing really well. I like how Leandra and Harley are sort of becoming the same person in his head, and the way the reader can see that Harley is starting to like him, even if he can't see it. Great scene with the last hitchhiker; their reactions and actions afterwards worked really well. Everything flows perfectly. Loved it, can't wait to see more.
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 8 . 4/26/2011
Glad to see you're still continuing this story. It's always been one of my favorites. Good development this time around. I like the visceral edge when he was beating the shit out of the rapist. Strong imagery, especially on the nose.
There's not much to say in terms of editing... You seem to have been working on this for a while; I found it pretty easy to read. There were maybe a couple of errors, but I couldn't even tell you where they were.
I like this on-the-road mentality that your story has, too. The setting still feels all dirty and worn down, like a ruined section of semi-urban America - it's like he's carrying the baggage of where he used to be everywhere he goes. It's pretty cool.
Hope to see more soon!
| Casot chapter 8 . 4/25/2011
Wow. This story is just... Amazing! You are an amazing writer, and i look forward to your next update.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 7 . 10/17/2010
This is one of those stories I always find it quite hard to offer critique on - it's very well-written, and the characters, Dane especially, develop well. I like how he stops to pick up every hitchhiker - it shows a kind of caring side to him, especially towards other 'outcasts'.
[ pulled out a cigarette and lit it up with the enthusiasm of a kid lighting up a sparkler on the fourth of July.]
GREAT line, as was [Disconnection was a beautiful thing]. I love the symbolism of him throwing the phone away; I don't know if you've seen it, but it reminds of Wyatt throwing away his watch at the start of Easy Rider.
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 7 . 10/5/2010
I enjoy Dane's development more and more every single chapter. He's very quickly becoming a character who is UNCONSCIOUSLY achieving his potential. I've noticed that, in the past several chapters, he hasn't been quite as self-destructive as he had been in the past. Plus, he has actual interactions with other characters - although, I think the character with whom he interacts best is still himself. I don't expect that to change, but I do think that his self-interaction is improving. Excellent work on Dane's character here.
As for your writing, this is the best chapter I've seen so far. I found nothing here that jarred me, and nothing that seemed out of place. Dane's pseudo-transcendental thoughts have occurred with enough frequency that they are now a part of his character development - strong work. The story seemed like it was supposed to happen exactly like it was written; nothing seemed forced.
There is only one thing that I would point out here: As you get further and further into this story, don't forget to step back occasionally and solidify the setting for your readers. They don't see it the same way you do. For instance, the truck that your characters have been using for the past two chapters has not been described at any significant length. I'm uncertain how much you intend to use the truck as a plot item, but you could at least specify the make and model and color.
Nit-picky, I know; I had to offer at least SOME concrit.
Keep up the good work, and thanks for the review on Aqua Vitae! Come vote for it in the WCC in the Review Game this month! Voting starts on the seventh and goes through the fourteenth. You know you want to!
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 6 . 8/10/2010
It's been a while, but this story gets better and better every time I read it. You have a fantastic sense for character - to the point of making me envious - and an eye for the small details that can take a story to the next level. My favorite of these "little details" so far:
"of the things I could have been doing instead of chasing a ghost.
Or, in other words, running away.
The concepts were interchangeable, you know."
Absolutely fantastic (even though it was from the previous chapter).
There are a few things that I have to criticize, though.
The one thing that really bugged me was your use of "Thank God (or whoever)." It doesn't fit in the context of your story - religion and concepts of spirituality are at this point utterly absent in Dane's character. From your own point of view, I'm sure that usage seems blase and perfectly natural; believe me, it does not read the same way. In a story where Dane's voice character - and not the writer's - is so thoroughly omnipresent, your own "voice and character," so to speak, sticks out like a whitehead on a newscaster's nosebridge.
The second thing I would like to address is much more mundane. It may be that I am not yet totally awake, but I feel that you may occasionally change voice. I think that's the correct word, anyway...
I'm really not that good with story reviews. I like poetry better. It's much smaller - it's easier to scalpel a poem than it is an as-of-yet-unfinished story.
Great work, regardless of my reviewing quality. I hope to see more in the future. Your prose is fantastic.
| NoRoadsLeft chapter 6 . 7/14/2010
loved this chapter. i think most people (or at least most fucked up people) dream and fantasize about being this free. just to have a a car and nothing to go to and nothing to leave behind. the thought is scary, yet very appealing. and this did nothing to satisfy my thirst for that, hahah. this is getting really exciting. the story is getting really great, you're taking it to good places. i completely understand the need to have someone with him, and much of dane i can relate to, which only makes it better. i really admire you for being able to write this. i just still hope dane meets some hot guy as well :D
| GirlWithTheDancingCherryTrees chapter 6 . 7/4/2010
So far this story has griped and entranced me. I absolutely love your Dane character, and you make him and his whole entire life this jumbled, emotional yet amazing mess. I am completely mesmerized and hopefully, I get to read more soon. I cannot wait :D
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 6 . 7/2/2010
Again, another great chapter. I love the way it flows; some of it comes across as a bit disjointed, which really suits Dane's character. The addition of Harley was done really well, and already we get a strong sense of her character. Dane as always is gripping, intriguing and intense. Can't wait for chapter 7!
| JuniperRhose chapter 6 . 6/29/2010
I read all six chapters and they're haunting, but great. I was confused, but I love how things slowly come together. Very well written.
| tonight we bloom chapter 1 . 6/26/2010
wow amazing introduction! you've got me hooked
| Isca chapter 5 . 5/4/2010
"I was pulling the plug on this comatose lifestyle." Excellent writing here. I like this metaphor.
"My legs walked me over to the kitchen." I love the
"detatched" tone of this line; 'my legs' implies that the speaker isn't really aware of her life at the moment as she's on 'autopilot.'
"I wondered if this was the way Leandra had gripped her father's gun." Brilliant.
"The enabler." What a clever familial description.
Keep up the good work.
| dbz 77 chapter 1 . 4/28/2010
I definitely liked the description, both internal and external.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 5 . 4/27/2010
Really nice chapter. In case I haven't said it before, I really like the 'voice' of the character; it's clear and original and really draws you into his universe. I like how you mentioned at the end that Evander was his cousin, rather than telling us that when he was first introduced. It's like it was only mentioned when it needed to be, which makes it really effective.
| MeAsIAm chapter 2 . 4/25/2010
I loved the descriptions and the second scene in Evander's apartment. It was played out realistically. Dane 's detchment with the things going around him and his trauma (I guess?) was very nicely conveyed. But there was no solid reference to the girl from the prelude, and I must confess I was disappointed a bit. Other than that, a fantastic chapter.
vai the Roadhouse