Reviews for Miranda's Adventure
Clear World chapter 25 . 3/9/2013
Chapter 23
what just happened? this all 'must kill the queen' and acting evil bit is so weird. Almost no build-up, or to me at least. Action is nice, but those talking in between does not help.

Chapter 24
What!? WHY? Why would Manga tell the three heroines about the plan!? Why at a time when she had the upperhand with Miranda's body? That-I can't even-it doesn't even make sense. This is forcing out information that makes no sense to come out at the moment.

I actually got a laugh out of it because it was soooooo corny and idiot moment for the villain.

You're dialogue during the battle needs work. They don't give a good enough impact or flow during the fight.

And Miranda just killed a person, what was the point of the chapter before this one!? I mean seriously, what was the point if one chapter later, she still kills someone. And when did she become so bloodlust? I knew her sister was evil. Her sister's word made her evil! EVIL!

Chapter 25
You know, this reveal would be so much better if the set up was a lot better. The exposition pacing is rather, really bad. I mean like, through most of this, I didn't even know the queen's motive, and knowing what Meiko's true motives are, it doesn't make much of impact seeing how half of the story had little to do with the queen or her. So much useless information I have learned.

All this reveals kind of falls flat without a really good set-up.
Clear World chapter 22 . 2/13/2013
That spirit or ghost or vision, whatever it was, it's evil. Completely evil.

Also, you're characters flip-flops their personality so offend. Actually, that's a wrong term because they do it so much that I find it rather normal. But my point, they tend to say something that seems rather eerier coming out from them, as if, it isn't something I would normally expect to come out from their mouth (this excludes Kandy). Actually, this is more or less just Miranda and Erika.
Clear World chapter 19 . 2/13/2013
Why could that monster talk and what was the point of that? That was a really, WTF moment for me, granted it doesn't do anything to detract from the actual action in the story, and finally, I can actually say that I enjoyed the action knowing why this action is being taken.

Now if only you had started the story off closer to the invasion, I would enjoying this story way more than I had, up to this point. Know what the actual plot is and seeing the villain do something threatening makes a story more interesting.
Clear World chapter 16 . 2/4/2013
I'm tearing up so much right now. I feel like chapter 15 is what I have been waiting for. It was magical. There was an actual battle that has some connections with the actual antagonist of the story and it made me cry out of joy. Finally.

But seriously, I am so ashamed that it took the half-way mark for actual plot to really kick in gear. But at least when it started, it was entertaining. Haha, I want to see that smug on Mieko's face. Must be fuming with angry right now.

I have a question though, when did Sara tell Miranda about the invasion and what chapter was this because I feel like I need to re-read that chapter because that came out of no where for me.

And this sudden character develop of Kandy wanting to be more human, or have a soul, seems rather out of nowhere. Very little build up to it and just came out of no-where. Whoa, dev ja for me...
Clear World chapter 14 . 1/27/2013
Wait, when and how did they learn about the invasion?

And if they learned it while during their travels, what was their reason for going to the castle before learning about the invasion?

I feel like I misread something.
Clear World chapter 12 . 1/27/2013

What was the entire point of them walking around!? I am so hoping these past 6 chapters of them going from place to place have not been a waste of my time because this reveal that they can fly is making me so anger right now.

What the Freak have I been reading. Does anything I have just read have any importance in this story?

On a side note, I actually really like the action, especially the one in the tunnel/maze against those three story. It was really good, but it means nothing when thinking how pointless everything have been.

Maybe I'm wrong though. I so hope I am wrong because I am so mad right now.
Clear World chapter 8 . 1/27/2013
Why does Erika instinctively assumed Miranda 'ditched' them? Erika does not seem to hate Miranda, but if she secretly does, why does she stay with her? Nothing is keeping Erika with Miranda.

Also, i have no idea why they took that detour to that pymird and had to grab that 'black Oynx' and why they want it. It would be nice to know.
Clear World chapter 4 . 1/27/2013
Rereading everything, not much as changed from what I can see. Most of my complaints actually still exist. In my opinion, your fast pace moving isn't really helping the story since there is very little development and the action is bare.

There's also a lot of sections in your story that I question why they exist since they don't seem to add anything to your story. For example, Miranda going through the cave of misery, or Miranda talking with that couple.

Unless your trying to go for a very corny world (which I still find funny due to how corny it is), you should try to limit it because it tends to ruin the sense of tension.

Lastly, I still find Erika willingness to join Miranda very weird. Before she even know what Miranda's quest was, Erika was already willing to joined. Seems like you're just forcing this paring without much of a reason.
Clear World chapter 9 . 1/24/2013
hmmm, I'll just read more and see how everything unfolds.

but on a side note. All your supporting cast who keep appearing are very flat and doesn't make the world seem that interesting
Clear World chapter 5 . 1/24/2013
I'll start off with a few good things that i liked. The introduction was nice, brought up the plot well, showed some niffy action, and sets up the story pretty well.

Now for the *hahahah*, I'm sorry but I found most of what I just read way too funny. The dialogue is rather very cliche, not horrible, but very cliche. I feel you are doing this on purpose because its everywhere, and I just can't but laugh at all of them. It really made reading it a joy.

Another thing, on chapters 3 the lines:

*"Miranda got up from the floor, and said, "My name is Miranda. I'm on a quest."

"Forgive me for the rude remarks earlier," Erika said, "My name is Erika. I am the famous archer in Norris."

"So you're Erika?" Miranda asked.

Erika smiled and said, "Yep. I hear you are on a quest. I want in. But first, you have to battle me. A true warrior must be tested first."*

I laughed at this so hard because Miranda just told her that she was on a quest and suddenly, Erika is all buddy buddy with her even though she still knows nothing about Miranda. And the way she says, "I hear you are on a quest" cracks me up. Of course she heard Miranda was on a quest, Miranda just told her a few seconds earlier.

Another thing, I found such conflicting character traits. Being a only mother to a child, I found Miranda willingness to accept death rather cruel. It spoke to me that Miranda doesn't even care about her children.

Lastly, Miranda doesn't even seem like she has a idea how to complete her mission. She's just moving from one place to another based on other people's suggestion. And they don't even try to convince her, they just say, "let's go here" and she follows them.

Now for the bad.

Everything feels like they are being rushed. None of the characters seems to have any depth, and you have a lot of characters who really have no depth to them. Hopefully in your squeals, you improved on this.

Oh wait, forgot, if Miranda is 26, why does everyone keep calling her a kid. I'm pretty sure a 26 year old person doesn't look that young. Especially when a teen calls that to an adult *cough* Erkia*cough*.

Also, why has the dark person not done anything over the past ten years?
DreamAHero chapter 13 . 7/8/2010
Sorry I haven't reviewed in a long time. Well...First off, try being more detailed. Instead of saying someone being surprised, describe their eyes widening and mouth opening in shock.

Also, put the sentences together into paragraphs. They seem too broken up to me.

Other than that, a decent chapter.
Vernelley chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
The dialogue in the first chapter set the scene really well, but maybe you could've used some physical description to complement the settings.

The paragraphs are short and makes it easy to read, which is great. My paragraphs are sometimes too long and confuse even me.

"She was too strong for me… (Cough) I…"

-you should probably write the cough as part of the narration.

You have a fairly solid storyline here, my only advice is to use more physical description to allow the reader to create images in their mind and consequently let them feel more involved. Overall, it's an interesting story you've got here.

DreamAHero chapter 12 . 5/22/2010
And so the plot progresses, and the character's are a bit more developed. Make sure you emphasis on how different each character is. A diverse cast is one of the most important parts of a story. Also, maybe put the entire flash back in italics, because it did confuse me a bit.

Other than that, a decent chapter. Bravo, and remember to try to be descriptive about each scene. This is your story, so you have to try and explain it in detail, but not TOO much detail where it's like an info dump.

Again, good job.
Kobra Kid chapter 5 . 5/10/2010
Good chapter! Really enjoyed when they turned into kids x3
Kobra Kid chapter 4 . 5/10/2010
Good chapter! I like Ericka, a spunky, kick as$ girl! :D. I wonder who else will join Miranda on her quest!
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